


Breathe again

by Heesyrax



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Angst, M/M, Medical!AU, Multi, Polyamory, Smut, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-09-20
Updated: 2017-04-24
Packaged: 2018-08-16 10:13:30
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 11
Words: 46,788
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8098198
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Heesyrax/pseuds/Heesyrax
Summary: They're in a bar to get drunk, and Johnny doesn't want to tell the whole truth about it.Ten's way more than the cheap philosopher he'd like to pass for.Lust makes their path cross, but there's so much more than lust, so much life to live again.Johnny is drowning.





	1. Drunken Philosophy

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! I've posted this story a few days ago on AFF, but well I have a AO3 now why not posting it here as well! : D  
> I've changed something in the first chapter, which was written late in the night due to a sudden inspiration, but then I realized I could adjust it a bit.  
> I'll post immediately the second chapter as well, since it's already on AFF so it's pointless not uploading it here.  
> As for every story I write, forgive me for any grammar/lexical/construction mistakes, I'm not a native English speaker ç_ç 
> 
> Hope you'll enjoy it anyway! 
> 
> Heesyrax

 

He lets himself be drowned by another sip of scotch. 

He drowns and drowns and drowns till the whole world becomes one single whirl, made of noises and voices and laughs and sighs.

Maybe even moans, maybe even cries, but his mind processes everything as bliss, as pureness. 

There’s chastity in those moans, there’s joy in those painful cries. 

There’s a meaning behind his tears, but it’s caught in between that strange moment, so he can’t even recall it. 

He drowns, and drowns, and drowns and drowns. 

He takes another sip, and it’s bitter, his throat burning pleasurably.  His elbow lies tiredly on the counter, as if it would take no more than a curl of wind to blow him away. 

But there are no curls of wind inside that bar. 

There are only curls of smoke, the thick scent of human bodies searching comfort in each other’s arms, laughs, silly jokes. 

He tries to take another sip, but the glass is empty. 

 

 _Fake happiness is costly, it seems_. He thinks, as he awkwardly puts his hand in his pants to find another bill. 

 

But before he could hand it to the barman, he’s blown away. 

There’s no wind, but there’s smoke. And something else: there’s a sweet scent accompanying it.

 

\-  2 scotchs. One for me, one for my friend here.-

 

He freezes, trying to focus on the figure that sat near him. 

He can’t process much, but he sees nothing more than dark bangs on a bronzed skin. 

Maybe there’s a pair of beautiful black eyes, or maybe it’s a game of lights as the world keeps spinning around.

 

\-  Are we friends?- 

 

That’s all he manages to say before the barman hands him another drink. The second glass goes in the left hand of the man; there’s a cigarette in the other one, held elegantly between the index and middle fingers.

 

\-  I offered you free alcohol and you question our friendship. How impolite of you, my unknown friend.- 

 

The laughter that follows seems to fill all that spinning world with a bliss of tainted perfection. 

He must be mad, or really, really drunk. Had it been the third drink he would be able to tell, but it’s the sixth and he clearly does not. 

He takes another sip. 

 

-    This unknown friend would like to thank you, if only he knew your name.- 

 

The man pulls closer, and he can register a smile. A pair of thin and elegant pink lips that so beautifully frame his white smile.  And now that the boy- he’s a boy, clearly- looks into his eyes he can tell those eyes were no illusion, no artifact of a non-existent world. 

 

-    My name, my name...does it matter? I don’t know your name either.- 

 

 -    My name’s Johnny.- 

 

The boy sighs, and Johnny can swear he’s so elegantly crossing his legs, and they’re beautiful legs, beautifully wrapped in grey, shiny pants.  That’s all he can see before smoke goes to his eyes.

 

\- You ruined my philosophical moment. Why doesn’t anyone understand my art?- 

 

Johnny swallows as the boy leans his head on the palm of his hands, the cigarette near to his face, embracing him in a graceful portrait of beauty. 

He’s handsome. 

He is. 

-    Are you a philosopher, unknown friend?- 

 

He laughs again and moves closer, there’s still a smile on his lips, but it looks more like a grin now. It sends shivers down his spine, and blood is pumped more quickly in his system as his heart races. 

 

-    Everyone’s a philosopher here. Whether you pass out in a corner, vomit in the streets or try to get into the pants of an unknown Johnny that looks so sad as he drowns himself in scotch.- 

 

Johnny gulps, and some scotch gets on his chest, not that it’s the first insult his black T-shirt gets that night.  The boy laughs, finishing his cigarette and abandoning it on an ashtray. 

 

-Are you trying to get into my pants? What kind of friendship is that?- 

 

-Come on Johnny, it’s not like we can’t be friends just because of that. There’s so much between this and what’s next. Why are you here?-

 

Johnny raises an eyebrow. Apparently the boy’s shameless courting has woken him up a bit from his alcohol- built dream, letting him focus his attention better on the stranger.  Unfortunately, he looks even more handsome now that he’s come into focus, his face looks like a sweet complexion of grace. But there’s something more between the sharp line of his cheek, the light in his dark eyes, there’s something more than grace in the elegant line of his neck. 

 

-I won’t tell you, unless you tell me your name.-

 

\- You’re starting to play. I like it.- 

 

His laugh suffocates Johnny a bit more and he can swear it’s not the alcohol he’s swallowing. 

 

\- Ten, my name is Ten.- he continues.

 

Johnny doesn’t really buy it. 

 

\-   You’re named after the drinks you had this night?- 

 

Ten laughs a bit more, but his grin is wider and even more malicious as he puts his hand on Johnny’s thigh and the whole world seems to silence after that contact.

 

-Don’t laugh on my name, as much as I like you, that’s not something I can allow. And now tell me what brings you here- 

 

Johnny freezes, looking at the hand on his thigh. It burns through his jeans, and he’s about to yell. 

But he doesn’t. He just stutters. 

 

\-   My wife left me for another man. No, it’s not as sad as it looks, I’ve betrayed her for years.- 

 

 _If only_.- he thinks. And he takes another sip. _Not now.-_

 

Ten laughs again, his hand still there, still burning. And his dark eyes burn holes through Johnny’s face, his poor face that must look anything but attractive after the horrible day that’s passed.  Maybe Ten’s really drunk, more than it could seem.

 

-    But you _are_ sad.- 

 

-    I’m more sad because I lost my equilibrium, not really because I lost her.- 

 

_Liar._

 

Ten stays quiet, letting Johnny be drowned again by alcohol as memories and broken dreams try to choke him again. He can’t let it happen, so he swallows the last bit of his drink. 

It’s so ephemeral, this world where time is measured in sips.

He locks eyes with Ten, and he’s forced to swallow. They’re so beautiful they look unreal, maybe evil, maybe angelic. 

He doesn’t really care. 

 

-    You’re a cunt.- 

 

 -    If you really were my friend, you’d already know.- 

 

Ten smiles, sighing as he removes his hand to cover his face while yawning, and the fear that he’s boring him to death starts creeping in Johnny’s chest. 

 

-    I knew it since the first moment I laid my eyes on you. I have a thing for cunts.- 

 

-    That’s all you can do to get in my pants? Playing smart?-

 

Ten leans forward, breathing so sensually in his ears, whispering words he barely hears as his senses are totally intoxicated by his scent. It’s not as sweet as he thought, it can be bitter, suffocating. 

 

-    Considering how much you’re already hard, I don’t really have to try that hard, do I? Or do you have a better option than me for tonight?- 

 

Ten’s hand is smooth as it caresses his thigh, one long touch before he reaches his groin, not daring to touch further. They’re still in public, but he can hear Ten’s heart, he can feel desire lingering on his skin, lust permeating through his pupils. 

He smiles as well, letting himself take a closer look to the boy’s body, now that he’s so close. He’s tiny but muscular, and his tank top adheres on his body so well he can draw with his eyes the sweet line of his pectorals, highlighting his nipples through the fabric.

Johnny bites his lip, he’d like so much to bite them, just to hear him moan.

Ten has a slightly nasal and somehow childish voice, but he’s sure his moans are a pleasure to hear.

He’s not even an option, he’s much more than just that. 

 

-What if you’re a organ trafficker and you’re going to sell my kidneys tomorrow?- 

 

Ten laughs again, and Johnny swears he hates how much he makes him hard just by laughing.  The boy caresses his nape, holding the base of his hair. 

 

-    I am a sort of organ trafficker. But I’m hard as well, so it’d be such a sweet death for you.- 

 

Johnny drowns and drowns and drowns and drowns. 

 

______________________

 

He passes his tongue on Ten’s back. Its curve tempts him more every centimeter he licks, letting his body slide so slowly against Ten’s, his manhood caressing in between the other’s buttocks. 

Ten smiles, laughing sensually as Johnny embraces him from behind, biting his neck. 

The other boy moans, moving against Johnny and the latter swears he could die. 

He likes but his instincts tell him to just take him right in this moment, hold him down and let himself be satisfied. 

But it’d hurt him, hurt him more than necessary, and he can’t do this to such a beautiful creature. 

Ten turns suddenly, pushing him down and locking their lips together, and it’s filthy, all the grace he saw back in the bar replaced by lust and desire.  

The boy caresses his chest and leaves his mouth and he suddenly misses its wet sweetness. 

Ten starts a lustful path from his neck, down to his chest. 

 

-    Oh God.- 

 

Ten smiles on his as he bites and it, going on with his sinful descent. 

 

-    Don’t call God’s name, call mine, these are my lips.- 

 

He passes his tongue on the line of his groin, biting it painfully and Johnny has to hold back a curse. 

 

Ten smiles, almost sadistically as he descends a bit further, breathing on Johnny’s manhood, pleased by Johnny’s shivering.

 

-    This is my tongue.- 

 

His tongue runs down his whole length and Johnny sees all of it –Ten didn’t want to turn the light off- and he swears it’s the most beautiful scene he’s ever seen. He moanss slowly, and he fears he’ll soon be out of air. Ten grins as he kisses the point of his manhood. 

 

-    These were my lips again.-

 

  -    I can see it, you know?- 

 

Ten takes his whole glans in his mouth, hard yet painfully slowly, his tongue rolling on the sensible skin.  Johnny throws his head backwards, short on air, his eyes shut closed as a violent wave of pleasure shakes his whole being. 

 

-    Now you can’t.- 

 

He has no time to reply to the little fucker, since he starts taking his whole length in his mouth and the world seems to be swallowed as well, engulfed in single moment of pleasure. 

 

The last thing he’d expected to hear in this moment is a ringing tone. 

It’s not his, so it’s Ten’s iPhone that’s ruining the moment. 

Ten rolls his eyes, on him and making him moan one last time before stopping. 

Johnny is sure he’s going to decline the call. 

 

-    You’re closer, take a look and see who it is. Decline unless it’s Hansol.- 

 

Johnny sighs and hopes with all his heart it’s not Hansol. And who the fuck is Hansol, by the way? His boyfriend?  Something like irrational jealousy starts racing in his chest, and he bites his tongue to prevent his stupid possessiveness to take over him as he looks at the phone’s screen. 

 

_Hansol_

 

He doesn’t even know who he is and he already hates him. 

He gives Ten an eloquent look, swallowing as he keeps reading the man’s name on the screen.

Ten sighs. 

 

\- See what he wants.- 

 

\- Hey what- _ah_ - 

 

He gasps as Ten takes him again in his mouth and he swears he wants to die when he picks up the call. Is he talking to his boyfriend? Is Ten really this sadistic? 

 

-H-hello?- 

 

There’s a moment of silence on the other end of the call before he hears a sigh on top of the lustful noises Ten makes while sucking.

 

-Hi, whoever you are, Is Chittaphon there?- 

 

_Chittaphon?_

 

\-  His mouth is occupied, I’m afraid.- 

 

\-  I’m really sorry for you, then, tell him there’s been a car crash and 2 children, one being 2 years old, were involved and that if he doesn’t bring his beautiful ass here in this fucking moment he’s fired, or more probably he’ll be in jail by tomorrow. Tell him that I’ll prepare everything for him so that we make this short. Bye, whoever you are.- 

 

The call ends.

He’s speechless, and Ten is as well, as he’s stopped doing whatever obscenity he was doing to him. He probably overheard the conversation. The boy sighs loudly, and stands up, searching for his clothes. 

 

\-  Hey, what the _hell_?- 

 

Ten- _Chittaphon?_ \- turns to him as he’s searching for his pants, or maybe his tank top, probably both.

Johnny is left there, unable to process what’s happening. 

The smaller boy stands still for a moment, reluctant to actually explain what’s going on.

He probably realizes he has no choice, considering  the absurdity of the situation.

 

-I’m a surgeon, Johnny. I can’t stay here. They call me, I run.- 

 

Johnny shakes his head, incredulous. 

 

-    You’re drunk!- 

-    I’m not, that was my first drink.-

 

Johnny doesn’t know what to say, never mind what to do. He just stares at him in disbelief, hoping it’s just a very bad and annoying prank.

He’s convinced it’s not when Ten goes on with collecting his clothes and stuff, picking up quickly his bag, which was carelessly abandoned on the floor, half opened.

 

  * Hey…I’m sorry. If you want, come tomorrow at 9 pm at the Central hospital, ask for me, I’ll be there. If you don’t want, I’ll understand.- 



 

He makes his way out of Johnny’s bedroom, followed by the other man’s gaze, as he searches for his bag.  Johnny tries to put on his pants, it’s not like he can stay naked forever as this absurdity goes on. 

Ten opens his door, mouthing a “sorry” and gifting him a pitiful look as he walks away from his apartment. 

Not even a proper _goodbye_. 

Everything becomes silent again. 

Maybe it’s always been silent, after all. 

Johnny looks around, alcohol’s sweet, comforting effect almost completely gone, leaving him with nothing but emptiness. Even arousal left space to just a dull need for comfort. 

He sees them again, those papers, the reason he went to that bar to get wasted in the first place. 

They’re looking at him harshly, standing on the kitchen table.

His hands shake as he takes them, looking at them. 

Words, too many fancy words, and just few ones that really matter. He’s able to read them even in the dim light of his apartment at 3 am. 

 

_“The court has declared Mr. Seo’s request to share his & Mrs. Kim’s daughter custody invalid. _

_From now on Mr. Seo will be allowed to see the child according to Mrs Kim’s will.”_

 

He’s not going to hold his daughter for a while. He’s not going to play with her, laugh with her, teach her anything.

He bursts in tears, abandoning the papers on the floor, covering his face with his hands. He lies tiredly against the wall. He’s tired.

 

He drowns and drowns and drowns and _drowns_. 


	2. Pieces of memory

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ten isn't a liar after all. 
> 
> He's worse than that, according to someone.

**_Pieces of memory_ **

 

He wakes up before his alarm reminds him of the day that he’s about to face, so he has time to reflect on what had happened just few hours before.

Tears had dried on his face, and now they sting badly as he contracts his face tiredly.

It’s silent at 5:30 am in his apartment, a bare, little accommodation with nothing but the essential to live.

Everything that reminds him of his life, his hobbies, his dreams and memories is still packed in big boxes; they have been there for the past month.

Someday, Johnny will find the courage to unbox them.

Today’s not the day.

 

He stands up awkwardly, wearing nothing but his boxers, and he wonders if Ten (Chittaphon?) had been just a dream.

He wonders if that bar altogether was a dream, so that he’ll open his wallet and all the money he theoretically spent on 5 drinks will still be there.

Maybe that disappointment, that feeling of emptiness is unreal, it’s just the mark of a nightmare.

 

Johnny’s hopes crash when he notices a little, red notebook.

He picks it up and opens it, and Ten’s scent lingers on the pages, scribbled in a tidy, rounded handwriting. It must’ve dropped from his bag as the strange boy picked it up.

Some things had been written in a strange language, Thai probably, others were in Koreans, many in English.

The first page is decorated with many colored pens, almost _too colorful_ to be written by an adult.

 

“Chittaphon Leechaiyapornkul

Surgery resident (probably the best one)

Pediatric Surgery department

Seoul Central hospital”

 

Johnny smiles bitterly, realizing he hadn’t been lying, after all.

He goes on reading what Ten wrote, and notices they are mostly work notes, daily reminders, all scribbled with colorful pens and highlighted with even more colorful highlighters. Hearts and emoticons complete the childish picture.

He had added dates to each notes, converting the notebook to a sort of diary.

 

“ _Ten!!! Remember to check little Jaewon’s therapy before going home”-_ from January 25 th. So he’s really called Ten, it’s probably a nickname.

 

 _“Revise pharmacology before Dr. Kang humiliates you again, u still suck at it.”_ – Johnny laughs a bit at this one.

 

 _“Jaemin comes for his check up at 2 pm”-_ this one is particularly colorful, as if it made Ten happy.

 

“ _Yuta still hates me. It’ll get better”_ \- July 10th. Johnny frowns.

 

“ _Pediatric traumatology course: 4 pm”-_ September 1 st

 

He jumps to the last written page, September 12th. Yesterday.

 

“ _You can’t always win, after all. Next time you’ll do better”._

 

No colors on this one. Just plain words painfully written in black ink.

 

Johnny smile dies, maybe for the intrinsic sadness of that note, probably due to his alarm finally resonating in the whole apartment.

He stares a bit at the notebook: he doesn’t really owe him anything, if Ten wants it back he’s free to go back to Johnny’s house.

 

 _“You don’t owe him anything, he just left without even telling you goodbye. You don’t need to search for him.”_ Johnny thinks.

Then he stares again at the personal note written on September 12th.

 

And he puts the notebook in his bag, before shutting off the alarm.

 

He’ll manage to find a way not to think about Ten or the misery of his life while he’s at work.

 

 

Seoul is particularly noisy at 9 pm, he notices.

Every big city is, after all, but the voices in his head that mix with the loud noises of cars and people talking while walking next to him, are threatening to drive him crazy.

He was born in Chicago, he’s used to crowd places, but something just makes him regret not being at home, engulfed by the scary silence that seems to reside in his bedroom.

He’d prefer listening to the sound of his own misery than being there, staring at the enormous building of Seoul Central hospital.

It looks fancy and intimidating, colorful and tidy, almost oblivious of all the suffering that goes on inside its walls.

 

He sighs before stepping inside, the big, elegant entrance hall doesn’t resemble a hospital at all, except for the amount of doctors walking around in white coats and scrubs, busy nurses rushing here and there.

 

He heads to the reception, coughing to catch the responsible nurse’s attention.

 

-Yes?-

 

-Hello, my name is Johnny Seo, I’m looking for Dr. Leechaiyapornkul.-

 

The lady frowns, before looking into the computer.

 

\- From which department?-

 

-Pediatric surgery.-

 

The lady sighs before looking at him quite annoyed, maybe sensing that he is searching for the young surgeon for no medical-related reasons.

 

-Dr. Leechaiyapornkul’s shift ended at 8:30 pm, but he has registered his presence for an urgent appendectomy 1 hour ago, he may still be working. I advice you to take a seat over there and wait for him.-

 

He gives a look to the chairs in the entrance hall, they don’t look so uncomfortable after all.

 

 

 

It’s 9:30 pm, but Ten’s nowhere to be seen. Johnny has already bought one can of coke and a pack of biscuits at the vending machine, earning a displeased look from a young doctor passing by him.

He has nothing to do but to look around and watch people wandering around, sometimes stopping at the near café, sometimes rushing on the other side of the hospital for emergencies.

A voice inside him keeps telling him to go, that the notebook or Ten are nothing of his business, considering the boy’s behavior in the first place.

 

He closes his eyes for a moment and catches a breath before standing up and reaching for the escalators, rushing out of that place.

The big clock of the hospital entrance hall tells him it’s 9.36 pm.

 

-Johnny!-

 

He turns around, and what he sees is –oddly- fascinating.

Ten is not as well dressed as he was the night before, just a pair of jeans and a black sweater. His hair is a bit ruffled, probably by being squeezed so many hours by his surgical cap, dark circles around his eyes.

But those eyes are as beautiful as they were under the dim light of the bar.

Ten adjusts a big black bag on his shoulder as he gets closer to Johnny, a small smile on his thin lips.

 

\- I didn’t think you’d really come, I was a bit rude to you…-

 

The same voice as before screams inside Johnny’s head to run away, and the man’s eyes are algid as he looks at Ten.

Bitterness is starting to take control of his action now that he’s standing in front of the boy, and he can’t figure out why.

 

\- I just wanted to give you back this. And yes, you’ve been rude.-

 

He hands him the notebook and Ten opens widely his eyes when he sees it, taking it in his shaking hands as if it was made of pure gold.

He’s about to say something to the taller man, looking at him in disbelief, when Johnny eyes him one last time and says, shortly and icy. A surge of hate rushes to his head, he needs to go before he spits it all out.

 

-Have a good night.-

 

When Ten realizes what is happening, Johnny is already rushing down.

Few seconds pass before he hears Ten reaching him down the escalators, even tripping before being able to be heard by the taller man.

 

-Listen, I’m sorry. Really sorry, and thank you for this. -

 

Johnny raises an eyebrow, but Ten can’t see him.

 

-It has been a pleasure. –

 

As soon as he’s down the escalators, reaching for the main door he feels Ten’s fingers around his arm; it’s not a stranger’s contact, the memory of the boy’s hands all over his body is still vivid in his head.

He turns around to meet a pair of shiny eyes, almost innocent, deceiving.

 

-Listen, I was wrong to leave you like that but…but let me make this up. Let me offer you something to drink. -

 

Johnny’s eyes wander on Ten’s face while deciding what to do, studying Ten’s pleading expression.

 

In the end, he has no family to wait for him, he can stay out for a drink for the second consecutive night.

 

 

 

Loud rock music plays in the background while they’re having a beer, something more light than the previous night.

Everything is more clear this time, he can stare at Ten’s features without being deceived by alcohol, and they’re different and somehow more beautiful than those that reside in his memories.

He’s tired, his eyes barely open.

So is Johnny.

 

-So you shouldn’t have been with me yesterday night. You shouldn’t have been in that bar at all.-

 

Ten smiles, tilting his head.

 

-Exactly. I just had a bad day, I hoped that for once no emergency would bother me. Miscalculation, I guess. I should be patiently waiting at home or nearby the hospital when I’m on call, theoretically.-

 

Johnny remembers what he had written on September 12th in his notebook, but he bites his lip in order not to say anything, it would be like admitting that he invaded his privacy.

He opts for replying sarcastically.

 

-Glad to be part of a miscalculation. –

 

Ten rolls his eyes, while searching for something in his bag.

 

-You’re really petty, aren’t you?-

 

-I am.-

 

Ten wrinkles his nose, and Johnny has to try his best not to find him adorable. A part of him hasn’t forgiven him yet, and _adorable_ doesn’t really fit the man he met yesterday night anyway.

 

-Thank you for the notebook, really. It’s important to me.-

 

Johnny does nothing but nodding, not having much else to say.

 

Ten smiles while finding his pack of cigarettes and offering one to Johnny.

Johnny accepts the offer, taking the small roll in his hands, the scent of tobacco filling his nostrils.

 

\- Do you work somewhere, Johnny?-

 

Johnny stares at him for a while, before fixing his eyes on the cigarette, rolling it between his fingers.

Ten perceives the cold atmosphere, he had clearly touched a painful spot, and suddenly regrets it.

 

-I work at a grocery store, quite near to my home. I don’t like it, but it’s perfect. –

 

Ten understands that’s only a tiny part of the truth, but he has no right to dig further into it.

He would love to, he’d love to understand why those eyes are painted with guilt, regret, sadness.

But he just leans forward with his lighter, to lit up the point of Johnny’s cigarette. The latter inspires, closing his eyes at the taste of smoke on his tongue.

So does Ten, letting himself being surrounded by curls of smoke, again, becoming a déjà vu of a beautiful, yet disturbing, dream.

 

-You’re a doctor.-

 

Johnny breathes out the smoke while saying it, mixing with Ten’s poisonous exhalations.

He finds it somehow erotic, for a reason he can’t quite understand.

 

-So what?-

 

-Shouldn’t you abstain from smoke, alcohol and be a good kid?-

 

Ten laughs loud, letting Johnny admire his white, regular teeth, the lovely curve of his lips.

 

-Let me tell you a secret, Johnny.-

 

Johnny licks his lips as Ten moves forward, taking a sip of beer before speaking.

 

-I smoke because I know the countless amount of diseases that can kill me before smoke, alcohol and bad behavior can do so.

When you’ve seen so many children dying under your hands, or when in a single night the ER you witnessed 3 deaths, or when you see young people withering because of diseases not even the best doctor can stop...–

 

He pauses, and Johnny has a hard time breathing through that speech, and it’s not for the cigarette smoke that is filling his lungs.

 

\- ...you start looking at life and death from a different perspective.

If when I’m 50 or 60 I’ll be diagnosed with lung cancer, I won’t think I’ve ruined my health, I’ll just think that I’ve been very lucky to have lived my life fully till that point.-

 

Johnny stays quite for a while, staring at him, unable to find the right words to reply.

 

-Is smoking and drinking with a hopeless Johnny in a bar “living your life fully”? Wow, you have pretty low standards.-

 

Ten smiles, jokingly blowing smoke on him.

Johnny tries to protect himself, but he’s actually loving the scent of Ten’s breath mixed with smoke.

 

-I do other exciting things in my life other than talking to you!-

 

-Enlighten me.-

 

-Well, first of all…-

 

He barely gets started when a surprised- terrified, to be precise- expression suddenly appears on his face, while looking to his left.

His breathing accelerates and the cigarette falls off his fingers, incandescent ashes scattered all over the table.

Johnny blinks, confused, before turning to check what is making Ten shiver that badly.

He sees a boy, around their age. He’s tall and lean, but what strikes him is his face: pure disgust, hurt, his eyes radiating a terrifying mixture of hate and pain.

He gets close, and Johnny feels cold creeping into his bones.

Ten clearly wants to run away, but he has no choice other than staying.

The boy stops when he’s close enough to him, and a joyless smile appears on his face.

 

-Oh, look, is he the next one you’re going to convince you’re actually worth something before shattering him into pieces? –

 

His voice comes out distorted by pain, as if he is actually crying out those words.

Ten swallows, his eyes pleading the boy to stop. Johnny is speechless, the cigarette in his hands forgotten and left to burn alone.

 

-Yuta, stop.- Ten breathes.

 

Johnny suddenly remembers that name.

 

_“Yuta still hates me. It’ll get better”_

 


	3. There's still a light

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They're both struggling to breathe, and they don't realize till they find each other again under the pouring rain.

Ten is silent as he is driving Johnny back home, and Johnny hates and is thankful for it at the same time.

Questions keep racing in his mind as he looks at the street lights passing by them, but he’s not sure he wants an explanation, not now, not after he’s witnessed Yuta crying in front of them and holding tight Ten’s wrist, harshly and clearly painfully. It had taken a while before Yuta was convinced to let go of him and Ten had just whispered, with fear clearly choking and transforming his voice in a hoarse high pitched mess.

 

“Johnny, come, I’ll bring you home.”

 

Johnny had just followed him, leaving Yuta and his hateful glare behind his back. He doesn’t even remember all the words Yuta had vomited in those moments, but he’s sure they were harsh words. Words telling a story of betrayal, broken dreams and lost innocence and happiness.

 

He’s sure it’s a sad story, one of those that drain the beautiful glimmer in Ten’s eyes as he speaks and somehow he just loves that light. Such stories dig deep into a person’s past and he’s afraid of what could come out of Ten’s.

 

It’s selfish, wanting just one side of a person.

 

He sighs, and it resonates in Ten’s car, a black Subaru that smells just like him, nicely and intoxicating. Ten gives him a look, and he seems even more tired, the dark circles under his eyes accentuated, as if every thought reflected on the pained expression.

 

-I’m sorry.-

 

Johnny is suddenly afraid of facing all that pain.

 

-You shouldn’t be. I am sorry for what happened to you. Does your wrist hurt?-

 

Ten shakes his head, a small joyless smile on his lips, probably his way to thank Johnny for his concern.

 

-No, it’s ok. Someday he’ll stop hating me, or maybe he’ll stop showing it so blatantly. -

 

Johnny feels a shiver running down his spine as Ten turns his car in a smaller street, near to his home.

 

-Why? -

 

He regrets it as soon as he breathes that question out, provoking a sarcastic laugh, and he finds himself liking Ten’s voice through that small giggle.

It’s twisted.

 

-He’s right. I shattered him. But I still think he’s worth something, he’s worth a lot, he means a lot to me. This is your building, isn’t it? -

 

He stops in front of Johnny’s house when Johnny nods, and silence falls between them. Silent questions linger in the air, and only few actually get a voice.

 

-Why did you shatter him then? -

 

Ten leans his head on his seat, breathing in, and the way his black sweater falls on his chest is beautiful. He looks like a painting, a troubled one, where aesthetic canons meet realism, colors are dragged harshly on the canvas, blended gracefully, the light games highlighting his handsome features.

Johnny swallows.

 

-That’s what I do, I shatter things. It makes me feel better, I guess. I like playing with things, till they fall on the ground and break in one hundred million pieces. And I miss them afterwards. -

 

_“Is that a warning?”_ Johnny thinks, before pushing that thought in the back of his mind as he dangerously pushes his hand forward, caressing Ten’s cheek with the dorsum of his finger, that skin even smoother than what he remembered.

 

-What if they are already shattered? -  he whispers.

 

Ten turns to look at him, letting himself be comforted by that contact. He closes his eyes for a moment.

 

-You’re cracked, but you don’t look shattered. -

 

This time it’s Johnny that laughs bitterly, before leaning forward and whispering on Ten’s lips.

 

-You don’t know me. -

 

Ten swallows, his Adam’s apple moving gracefully under the skin of his long neck as he caresses Johnny’s wrist.

 

-I don’t. -

 

Johnny captures his lips, drowning in their softness, in that sweetness that tastes of mystery and danger. He had hated that boy till few hours ago and he doesn’t know what is happening.

He’s nothing but a _stranger_.

 

The cracks in his soul deepen, the first piece detaches.

 

________

 

Hansol rushes through the corridor, greeting people here and there, and it’s a routine that he loves and hates at the same time: he likes knowing so many people, he somehow never feels alone, but he hates not being able to stay on his own when he needs to.

Kun passes by him and gives him a small pat on the shoulder, and he smiles at him. He has known the young nephrologist for just a couple of months but he already likes him. He finally reaches the small restroom on the 5th floor, the Pediatrics department.

There he finds Ten, seemingly all concentrated on a medical record he’s writing. He doesn’t say a word, just crossing his arms and leaning on the wall, staring at his _special_ friend.

 

-The little child of the car crash, Taehyun, he’s doing fine.- Ten says, without bothering to look at him.

 

Hansol sighs.

 

-Yes and Yuta is in his room visiting him, so you’re hiding here. -

 

Ten nods, laughing miserably at himself.

 

-I had to write this anyway. -

 

-You can’t avoid him forever. -

 

Ten finally looks at Hansol in the eyes, who comes closer and sits by him, resting a hand on his shoulder. The younger isn’t wearing his coat, just his blue scrub, with a mickey mouse decorated on it, a façade of joy in a sea of despair, disease, death.

 

-We were getting used to acting like we don’t know each other, at work at least, but he caught me with that boy yesterday night. -

 

Hansol smiles bitterly.

 

-I know. -

 

Ten is surprised for a moment while looking at the young radiologist, but then rolls his eyes.

 

-Ah, yes, Taeyong.-

 

Taeyong had swore to hate him till death the night Yuta had come to his apartment with his luggage as a broken, crying mess. He had always kept faith to his promise in every possible way, till this day.

 

-Let me guess, I’m a whore again, a heartless whore who likes torturing his victims by being blatant about his new adventures. -

 

-No, you just never stopped being one in this place. -

 

Ten swallows as he looks at Hansol’s face, before suddenly throwing himself in his arms. Hansol doesn’t deny him that comfort, his arms completely cover him, who now looks so small. He is so small, after all, and all the strength seems to have vanished from that body, leaving only fears and stress. His hands are gentle as he caresses Ten’s shoulders, easing the pain away.

 

-I’m tired. - Ten whispers.

 

-I know. - Hansol answers, and Ten tightens the grip on his coat.

 

Minutes pass before he’s ready to let go of him, and Ten breathes deeply, adjusting his hair and standing up, searching for his coat and closing the medical record.

 

-I have to be in the OR in 30 minutes for this case, and I’m sure you have something to do as well. -

 

Hansol nods as he stretches his muscles, he has indeed a lot of things to do.

 

-I have a whole afternoon of echography waiting for me. Yay. -

 

Ten wears his coat, smiling, as if nothing had happened.

But Hansol knows too well what hides behind the surface.

 

-You chose the boring side of medicine on your own, you have none to blame for that. I have tried to persuade you since day 1. -

 

-Sorry if I decided to be useful without being a butcher. And you do your job well just because I provide you wonderful imaging. -

 

Ten stops as he is opening the door, looking at Hansol for a while.

 

-And a beautiful friendship. I love you.-

 

He goes out, leaving Hansol behind, engulfed by the silence of the empty restroom.

 

-I love you too.- he whispers to none.

 

___________

 

Ten is suturing the dermal layer, and he looks at Sicheng as he does it, his hands skillfully moving along the cut and the needle goes in and out quickly. Being a third-year resident, he knows exactly what he’s doing. He’s done this for years and still he hasn’t got enough. He’s still greedy for more, he gets more excited each time Dr. Kang lets him take a step further, she even let him be the first operator during the first half of the procedure. Sicheng, a first year surgery resident, looks at him in awe.

 

-You were brilliant before. - his Korean isn’t perfect yet, but Ten understands, answering him with a smile.

 

-Thank you. You’ll suture the last part on your own, ok? -

 

Sicheng nods, thankful.

 

-Look, with dermal sutures you have to be really careful with the depth, in order to avoid bleedings and tensions that will only compromise the suture and the final result itself…-

 

Sicheng is listening to him carefully when the door of the OR opens. Ten doesn’t care about it, thinking it’s just the anesthesiologist, until he hears Taeyong’s voice.

 

-Isn’t this OR 5? It was supposed to be free at 5:30 pm, but, _oh,_ look, it’s 5:47 pm already. -

 

Ten doesn’t even bother to look at him, he keeps his eyes glued to his work, which is almost completed, but for a small piece left. But Sicheng can feel tension linger in the air, especially since the nurse keeps shifting his eyes from one resident to another.

 

-There was an anatomical variation we couldn’t predict from the CT scan, so it took a while. Plus I was teaching _your_ student how to suture the dermis, something you clearly didn’t do since he was passing me the wrong thread. -

 

Taeyong stands there, breathing for a while in his surgical mask. He glares at Ten as he stops suturing and passes the needle holder and the forceps to Sicheng, who takes them quite nervously.

 

-Careful. -

 

It’s the last thing Ten says before removing his surgical coat, not even looking at Taeyong once as he removes his mask as well, once he’s far from the operating field.

 

-Dr. Lee will assist you, Sicheng.-

 

He says as he is walking towards the pre operating area to wash his hands, but Taeyong grasps his arm, and those fingers seem to burn deep into him. He hates that contact, his insides constricting painfully his muscles, since Taeyong’s hands are strong. The nurse looks at them in complete disbelief. Taeyong pierces him with his dark, intense stare, not bothering to hide his hate and disgust.

 

-He cried all night long while you were fucking that boy.- Taeyong whispers, and Ten feels as if he’s in the middle of a torture session.

 

-Who I fuck is none of your business. Nor is Yuta’s, not anymore. Now let me go before I report you for harassment on workplace. -

 

Taeyong lets go of him, and he walks away, towards the pre-op area, closing the door behind him and removing his cap, throwing it on the floor. Tears start falling on his face, now that his pride is not there to protect him, now that his cover made of blue coats and gloves and masks has been thrown away. It’s just him, and the mirror is reflecting a terrible image, all dark circles and pain on his face. He touches his reflection, a warmless caress on his skin, he touches his lips, his own cheeks, a pale resemblance of the warmth of Hansol’s hands, of the sweetness of Johnny’s lips, of what used the be the comfort of Yuta’s body.

Or the one of the thousand men he’s loved in his life and that he’ll keep loving.

 

He closes his eyes.

 

_“This price is way too high for not believing in eternal love”_ \- he thinks.

 

 _____________

 

Johnny is singing a lullaby, one his mother always used to sing to him as she held him in her arms. He’ll forever associate those words, those notes to peace, to serenity, to the sense of protection only parents can give a baby as he or she is too young to face the world. He’s doing the same with his daughter, a beautiful three-years-old child, dressed in a lovely little blue dress. Her chin rests on his shoulder as he cradles her, her little hands holding tight to his chest. He keeps on singing as three people look at them: the social worker, his ex wife’s new husband, and his wife herself. The woman that had given him such a beautiful gift.

His heart is heavy as she mouths him, silently _“put her to sleep and then go.”_ He nods lightly and painfully as he feels the little hands caressing his hair.

 

-Dad, I missed you.-

 

He wants to cry, but he swallows it all, a painful lump forming in his throat.

 

-I missed you too, my beautiful princess. -

 

-When will you come back? - the child says, sleepily.

 

He doesn’t know, and his ex wife looks away, harshly as her husband rests his hand on her shoulder. He knows he won’t be seeing the little Kathy anytime soon, and it breaks him.

 

-Soon. Dad will to visit you soon. - he lies.

 

The baby nods, before falling asleep on his shoulder, and he sighs, knowing what this means. He breaks a little when he leans her in her cradle, the one he had bought her, the one he had put her in to sleep so many times. He kisses her on the forehead, caressing her hair, swallowing painfully as he looks at her face one last time before facing the three people waiting for him in the other room.

 

-When can I meet my daughter again? -

 

He stresses _“my daughter_ ” harshly, as if marking the territory with the man that is staring right at him. The social worker, a middle aged strict woman, checks a couple of papers before looking at him.

 

-Mrs. Kim has scheduled the next meeting for mid-November. -

 

Johnny stops breathing and his wife looks away, he can’t tell if that’s guilt or what else.

 

-That…that is in two months! This is crazy, how can this be possible! -

 

-I think the court’s sentence has been clear enough. - the man says and Johnny glares at him before looking at his wife, tears almost filling his eyes.

 

-Seoyeon. _Please. -_

The woman stands still, silent, and hope for a moment starts growing in his chest. Then she looks at him, resentment too strong to be described.

 

-See you in November, Mr. Seo.-

 

And she walks away from the room, leaving Johnny speechless, breathless.

 

He doesn’t remember what he did to get out of that house, the one that used to be _his_ house, he just finds himself in the pouring rain, soaking wet, and he doesn’t care. He just lets raindrops wash away his tears, wishing they could just wash away his misery as well, dissolve his memories in one humid exhalation into September’s cold.

 

He runs.

 

And drowns, drowns, he drowns in his own tears as if his head was held down in the water from an invisible hand. He grasps for hair but all that comes in is just cruel water that burns and stings on his face as he runs, runs through the city lights, in the streets. Maybe he screams once or twice, his mind is so blank that he doesn’t even register it, he doesn’t even see the cars as he crosses the streets, earning a couple of yells from car drivers. He runs away from all that’s been, craving for it. The touch of his daughter still burns on his neck, her voice resonates in his ears. He has run out of tears when he reaches his building.

 

He didn’t expect Ten to be there.

 

But there he is, under the pouring rain, letting the raindrops mercilessly wet his hair, his black clothes, his beautiful bronzed skin and its imperfections. His eyes are sunken, as if they had seen too much in those hours they had been apart. They are dark, pleading for something Johnny doesn’t understand, but still somehow shiny. 

As if he was fighting too keep that light alive.

 Johnny understands it, as he’s standing there, in the rain, his jumper adhering on his skin, his bangs nearly covering his eyes, his lips apart in one single moment of perfection.

 

Ten is drowning too.

 

No cigarettes, no philosophical phrases to save him, just a boy fighting for his life. He gets closer to him, swallowing, and Ten does the same. They throw into each other’s arms and what the night before had been a simple kiss becomes a mess of tongue and teeth, of lips crashing harshly, of Johnny’s hands pushing Ten inside his building, away from the rain. Ten doesn’t want to let go of him, he tightens his grip on his jumper, water is wetting the floor and he slippers once or twice, but Johnny holds him firmly, preventing him from falling.

 He slams Ten on the wall of the elevator as he kisses the other man, again and again, as if he was his only source of air.

 A thousands of words are spoken as they hold into each other’s clothes, Ten’s nails scratch Johnny’s nape and the latter moans in the kiss, holding tight Ten’s arm. Their bodies grind against each other as if they could find whatever they needed into that temporary warmth.  

 They know perfectly it’s not like that but it’s a beautiful lucid delusion as Johnny pushes Ten on the wall of his apartment, and Ten spreads his legs, welcoming him again.

Johnny’s out of air as he stares at him for a moment, holding him by the thighs, his nails almost digging into his skin through the fabric of his jeans.

 He stares at the tears on Ten’s face, his swollen red eyes, his parted lips.

 

-Fuck me. -

 

That is all Ten manages to say, in a desperate cry for help.

 Johnny leans his forehead on Ten’s, wet brown hair against soaking wet black locks, skin on skin, and he can swear Ten feels feverish. Johnny lets himself be poisoned by the other’s stare as he lowers him on the couch, sliding one hand inside his pants, his ears filled by his voice as he moans, a distorted mix between pleasure and pain.

 He captures Ten’s lips again, but he can’t manage to close his eyes, he can’t manage to stop looking at the light in those dark eyes.

 Ten moans on his lips, before whispering.

 

-Throw me out of your house before it’s too late. -

 

Johnny keeps on caressing his erection slowly but intensely, before grasping it firmly and Ten gasps in pleasure. He bites his lower lip harshly to shut him up, loving the taste of blood on his tongue.

 

-Too late. -

 

_They’re both shattered._

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for the bookmarks, the kudos, the comments and to whoever spent time to read this mess! Again, I hope you like it and that my English isn't too cringey lol.  
> Feedback keeps me motivated to go on so thank you! 
> 
> Heesyrax


	4. On the edge of a cliff

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yuta will never thank Taeyong enough.  
> Jaehyun is quite bold.  
> Johnny and Ten don't really trust each other, but they keep on falling.  
> Hansol always faces the consequences.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! This chapter is a bit more of an insight into the different characters, I hope you will like it : )

He stares into dawn through the small window, searching answers and relief in the first breaths of the new morning. It’s 5 a.m. and the hospital is silent as he rests on the bed in the room for doctors working overnight. The bed in uncomfortable, he’s tired and all his bones and muscles ache; sleep deprivation starts being a problem for him. One could tell from his tired expression, his empty stare, his skin that turns more grey and unhealthy each day that passes.

Sirens break the silence but he doesn’t care, not until a call will bother him again, telling him to manage another emergency. He could sleep in these rare moments of peace, but he is restless.

Nakamoto Yuta can’t get any rest, not until Ten stops nagging him through his mind.

He works, eats, lives and thinks of him in each moment his mind is not occupied by anything else. He closes his eyes and all he sees are dark irises, thin lips, black bangs. All he hears is a nasal voice that speaks through his mind, invading every thought, chasing away all the sanity in him.

He is hearing his voice right now, a memory sneaking in his thoughts: it’s Ten, again, he’s 25 and beautiful as he watches dawn breaking on a beach in Norway. He still hears his laughter vibrating through his soul, he still feels his scent invading his nostril and cold creeping through his bones, as the Northern seaside painted one of the most beautiful memories of his life. He closes his eyes, trying to taste the feeling of that moment again, not allowing resentment and pain take it away from him.

 

But then he sees it. He sees Ten with other men, he sees Ten laughing for them, crying for them, moaning for them. He sees him again with that tall boy in the bar. And the pain feels even more real as his whole body shakes and he’s forced to hold his head in between his hands, obsession kicking in as he tries to hold close to his chest that good memory. It’s hopeless, because other images start rushing through his mind even more quickly, confusing him and creating a painful lump in his throat.

He can’t breathe, he can’t breathe in that sea made of obsession.

He lives for him and he’s ashamed of it. The more he tries to forget him, the more he is present in his life, cutting the air supply to his lungs, condemning him to a half life made of pain, rage, regret.

He’s holding his head when the door opens, and Taeyong enters the room. He stares at Yuta, silent for few moments, before sighing loudly. He’s wearing his coat and his scrub, and he looks quite tired as well.

Yuta understands he has to at least speak to his friend, so he tries to lift his head, looking at him with dull, tired eyes.

-Weren’t you on call this night? -

Taeyong nods, reaching his bed and sitting on it; the room is half dark and Yuta can barely study his features, he can just see his dark eyes and the skin hanging tiredly on his prominent bones.

-I was sleeping when I was called for a supposedly irreducible hernia, which in the end was totally reducible. Sicheng interrupted my sleep for nothing. -

Yuta smiles a bit, but Taeyong cherishes it anyway, his smile so rare these days that even that small glimpse of it is precious.

-I bet you scolded him and frightened him again. -

Taeyong leans down in the small bed, resting his head on Yuta’s stomach. The latter looks at him, digging his fingers in the other’s hair, gently trying to ease away all the stress and tiredness. Taeyong has done a lot for him, he deserves those small attentions.

-He has to learn how to survive here. Have you been here the whole night? -

Yuta shakes his head, sighing. His voice is tired as he speaks.

-There was a minor accident and a boy broke his arm, nothing much. I’ve been here for the past two hours. -

Taeyong looks at his face, resting his chin on his chest.

-Tormenting yourself again, I imagine. –

Yuta doesn’t answer, he stays silent, just continuing to caress Taeyong’s hair.The, now more powerful, light of dawn is breaking through the window, embracing that -seemingly calm- picture with yellow and orange shades.

-Yes. Like every night. In every moment, I just see him, I see him with that guy, I see him with everyone else but me. -

Taeyong feels his heart aching again as he hears those words, and he tries to swallow whatever answer he could give to that statement There’s no answer to that, there’s no reason, there’s no rationality in obsession. He just feels his hate for Ten increasing a bit more, almost making him feel dizzy, he hates him for what Yuta had become for him.Yuta closes his eyes, enjoying darkness for a while, before he can feel the warmth of Taeyong’s slim body abandoning him. When he reopens them all he can see is Taeyong’s piercing stare in the dim light.

-Let’s have breakfast at the café, come on. Then you can just go home and relax when your shift ends. -

He lends his hand to Yuta, smiling as if nothing had happened, masking all the hate he feels inside his chest. Yuta takes it without thinking it twice, unable to express his gratitude.

 

 

They’re at the café and Taeyong is sipping coffee, he hates the taste of it but it helps him staying awake. Yuta looks at his sandwich, munching at it silently, feeling Taeyong’s stare on him; he’s gotten kind of used to the other’s habit to stare. He found it _strange_ at first, almost intimidating, but now he just feels reassured by it, he feels Taeyong is close every time he turns and he sees those black, big eyes staring at him.

They’re not the only eyes who do so. He swallows a big munch as he turns around almost automatically to see people staring at him, whispering.They whisper stories, using him and Ten as if they were the daily dose of drama in the hospital. Everyone knows everything in that place and dealing with pain becomes even more difficult.; he can’t hate Ten without people whispering, he can’t avoid Hansol without people starting another rumor. His eyes sadden a bit more as he fixes them on his plate, and he can’t remember the moment he stopped being Yuta, the smiley, funny and bright orthopedist and became Yuta, the gloomy rumored-to-be-psychotic orthopedist.

-You shouldn’t care about them. - Taeyong says.

-It’s not easy. -

His voice is sharp, abandoning his sandwich on the plate. He shouldn’t, he’s already skinny enough and his work is stressful, he should at least eat and sleep well. But he can’t, he’s nauseated.

He’s about to leave the café when a young doctor makes his way to his table, clearly nervous.He had seen him next to Sicheng few moments before, but the latter is nowhere to be seen now, probably too afraid of Taeyong to approach. He’s tall and lean, and has beautiful features,framed by beautiful dark hair.

" _Definetely Taeyong's type",_ he thinks, but Taeyong stares at him with an odd mix of interest and disgust.

-Excuse me, you’re Doctor Lee Taeyong, aren’t you? -

Taeyong raises an eyebrow.

-Can’t you read my name tag? -

The boy looks even more uncomfortable now, and clearly has to collect all his courage to keep on speaking to his senior.

Yuta stays silent.

-Yes, I’m sorry. I’m Jung Jaehyun, first year. -

He bows, quite low, too low to actually impress Taeyong.

-Sicheng told me you have a room to rent in your apartment. I’m interested. –

Taeyong stays quiet for a while, studying the boy from head to toes. Yuta starts giggling a bit, he would like to tell the boy that living with Taeyong is one of the most stressful things one could do, but he keeps quiet, enjoying the other’s reaction.

-“ _Jung Jaehyun, first year, Internal Medicine II.”-_ he reads the boy’s nametag out loud, catching the whole café’s attention. - I should’ve specified that I want no internists in my house. -

Yuta does his best not to laugh and ruin Taeyong’s little gag. Jaehyun’s eyes are open wide, staring at the elder in disbelief. Then Taeyong smirks, going back to his coffee.

-Come and see it this afternoon, Dr. Nakamoto will show you the house. This is the address. –

He scribbles it quite quickly on a piece of paper he had in the pocket of his coat, lending it to Jaehyun, who takes it immediately, staring at it a bit confused.

-And tell Sicheng that if he isn’t with me in the ward in 5 minutes to check the man he woke me up for this night, he’ll be doing rectal explorations all day long.-

Yuta starts laughing at this point, loving these moments that make him forget Ten, even if it’s just for a little while.

____________________________________________________________

 

He wakes up due to a unidentified noise, and as soon as he does Ten’s scent hits him strongly, making him feel almost dizzy. He feels empty when he realizes that scent is the one his bed sheets are impregnated with, but Ten is not near him. It’s a strange feeling that clenches his heart, almost painfully, as the light of dawn is blinding him through the window he forgot to close yesterday night. He stands up immediately, wandering around the house, searching for Ten.

Pleasure still lingers on his body, Ten’s marks still red on his skin, and he feels like he’s floating somewhere between a beautiful dream and a nightmare.

He doesn’t believe his eyes when he sees Ten in his kitchen, apparently trying to cook something for breakfast. He’s wearing nothing but his black underwear and one of Johnny’s T-shirts, a white one a bit too large for him, that hangs loose on his body, leaving his neck -long, and beautifully marked with hickeys- uncovered. He hadn’t asked for it, he had just opened Johnny’s closet and taken one.

Because that’s just what he does, he takes what he wants.

He turns around to look at Johnny, who’s staring at him in awe, still naked.He smiles, tiredly but with a glimpse of happiness in those eyes.

-Hey, I didn’t want to wake you up, I wanted to surprise you with breakfast. –

Johnny smiles as he sees him struggling with breaking an egg shell, he’s clearly not the most experienced cook.

-I’m surprised. –

-Good, then. –

Johnny wonders what Ten would do if he embraced him from behind, caressing his abdomen and kissing his neck, just like lovers do. For a moment he fears it’d be too intimate, too intimate for someone he barely knows. His body is more decisional than he is as it looks for warmth, finding it on Ten’s skin, sliding his lips on the curve of his neck.

Ten doesn’t push him away, he just smiles, throwing his head backward to leave him more space, caressing the hands that are enclosing him in that intimate contact.

_So that’s how Ten’s shatters you. Sneaking into your life, slowly, silently, till you can’t stay away from him._

 

 

They’re eating while having a conversation, and it’s Ten again who’s speaking about himself.

 

-Yes, I’m Thai. I wanted to stay away from my family for a while, I needed space, and I thought that studying abroad was a great idea to do so. In the end, I stayed here. For how long I’ll be here, I don’t know. I like to change quite often. –

Johnny nods, munching on his rice as he hears of pieces of Ten’s life, still struggling to understand so many aspects of Ten’s personality. A part of him wants to know him, the other one just screams to be careful.

-What about Yuta?-

Ten starts torturing the eggs in his plate when he hears that name, and Johnny feels sorry for bringing back bad memories, but he wants to know more at the same time. 

-He’s one year older than me, he was my second-year tutor during my first year in med school. He introduced me to Hansol, and everything has been perfect for years till he started hating everything I did. -

He doesn’t mention Taeyong, he doesn’t mention the whole story, there’s no need for Johnny to know the details. The latter just nods, understanding that Ten doesn’t want to talk about it, yet he feels the urge to know more.

-…And you? –

Johnny doesn’t expect that question, he just looks at him for a while, his brown eyes locked with Ten’s black ones, and they seem to read into his soul.He feels naked in front of Ten. He just shrugs, focusing on his dish.

-I’m American, born in Chicago, I had a good life. Then I had the worst idea ever, that is coming here. Now I’m just a hopeless none that works in a grocery store and lives for no actual reason. –

Ten stares at him again, sensing that isn’t the whole truth, he can tell from the way Johnny doesn’t dare looking him in the eye. Liars can recognize other liars better than anyone else.

-What did you do before? -

Silence.

-Nothing much, I just had a slightly better job in a company. I lost it due to the divorce. –

Ten smirks: Johnny is a _terrible_ liar, but he won’t question him, not until he can actually get to know more. He just nods, before yawning.

-Got it. Can I take a shower? -

Johnny nods, admiring him as he stands up and puts his plate in the sink, before heading to the bathroom.He smiles mischievously at Johnny before closing the door of the bathroom, not locking it.

Johnny smiles too. He got the message, and he stands up, but before he can reach the door, a train of thoughts speeds in his head, and all seem to carry a central concept: _Ten is risky._  It’s like walking on the edge of a cliff, and he loves it, it shots adrenaline through his system.

He turns around, looking at Ten’s bag abandoned on the couch, and curiosity hits him hard.He can hear Ten showering as he walks slowly towards it, feeling guilty for a moment before opening it. There it is, the red notebook, and he opens it to see if he had written something else.

“ _September 13- Taeyong thinks he plays better than me. What a fool._

_And I actually miss Johnny, I should just let him go. But I’m not this altruistic.”_

He smiles, throwing it inside the black bag.

“ _Oh Ten, do you actually think I’m some kind of naïve child? You really don’t know me.”_ He thinks.

He’s about to leave the bag, since nothing really interesting seems to pop out. But then something catches his attention: one white, little package. Two, actually. He takes them in his hands, they’re probably just headache pills or whatever.

He isn’t surprised when he reads what is written on the packages, not really.

 

 _Xanax_.

 

 _Prozac_.

 

He starts laughing silently, when the realization of how much Ten is actually human hits him. And he loves it, and it’s even more dangerous. He stopped believing in God many years ago, now he worships humanity at its best, and a mixture of breathtaking imperfections like Ten is such a risk for him to take. He opens the Prozac package, taking one pill in his mouth with a laugh, before putting it back in Ten’s bag.

Then he finally reaches the bathroom, and Ten’s still showering, the sound of water splashing on his skin almost deafening.He breathes in vapor as he opens the shower, and Ten looks at him for a moment, his skin red due to the hot water. He’s such a beautiful sight, and for one moment Johnny thinks he could die now and be happy.

He smirks.

-You’re a terrible actor, you knew exactly I’d come here. -

Ten smiles, letting his back adhere to the cold ceramic of the wall, biting his lip provocatively.

-I haven’t still figured out how bright you actually are. You took a while. -

Johnny enters the shower, not caring about his clothes becoming soaking wet, he just takes Ten’s wrists, encaging him against the wall. Their heartbeats accelerate as their bodies adhere, again, greedy. Johnny bites Ten’s lips, before whispering, his voice mixing with the sound of falling water.

-You underestimate me _so much,_ Chittaphon Leechaiyapornkul.-

Ten licks Johnny’s lips.

-Or maybe it’s you who is underestimating me, Johnny.-

_____________________________________________________________________

 

Hansol loves the scent of the streets after the rain. It’s odd, but he does, he likes seeing the lights of the morning playing on the puddles, the smell of the city living again after a storm. So he just stays there, outside the hospital, eating a muffin for breakfast before going home.He’s thankful it hasn’t been a too stressful night, not as much as he thought at least. 

He doesn’t realize someone’s staring at him, too immersed in that beautiful morning picture. When he does, he sees Yuta’s figure speeding towards the car parking reserved to the hospital employees.

-You shouldn’t drive, you’re obviously very tired. –

He had caught a glance of him at the café that morning, and something in his chest broke when he noticed how much tired and unhealthy Yuta looked, and the urge to comfort him was hard to repress. Yuta stops for a moment, not daring to turn around. He just swallows, before taking another step.

-You know I’m right. Just take the bus or the metro, your car will still be here this afternoon. – Hansol continues.

Yuta turns around this times, and his eyes are two small fissures, studying Hansol’s expression.

-Or I could accept a ride home from you, maybe? Or, wait, when did we start speaking to each other again? –

Hansol laughs bitterly, it’s almost a cry, his deep voice resonating in the rarified morning air.

-I’ll wait for the metro as well, so no ride home. And you could be my worst enemy, I’d still tell you to take a bus. –

He gets a little bit closer to Yuta, who instinctively takes a few steps backwards. Hansol sighs, he’s so tired of all this.

-…let alone suggesting it to someone I miss so much. -

Yuta breathes in, nervously.

-You should stop, Hansol.-

Hansol shrugs, standing still, all the happiness he felt watching the beginning of the new day gone, blown away by memories and regret.

-Yes, I should stop. That’s what I always do, you and Ten mess up and I face the consequences. It’s always been like that. -

He turns around, suddenly angry, almost running towards the metro station.Yuta stands there, silently, hurting everywhere, mentally and physically.

-I miss you too. -

But none’s there to hear him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First of all, let me thank you again for the kudos, the bookmarks, the comments. I'm such a happy child whenever I see someone appreciated the story ;u; 
> 
> I'm updating this soon because I won't probably be able to do so till the 10th of October, since I'm done with this year's exams and I'm away for a little vacation before classes start : ) 
> 
> I hope this chapter wasn't too boring, I wanted so badly to describe Yuta a bit more. Soon more details of what happened will come out, I promise! 
> 
> Moreover,a few explanations:  
> Xanax, Prozac: respectively, an anxiolytic and an antidepressant. 
> 
> A few people told me they were confused about the on call/night shift system in hospitals: basically, when a doctor's on call he can stay home but he needs to rush asap to the hospital to intervene. Doctors working on a night shift are inside the hospital and need to manage emergencies or check patients overnight.  
> Usually, when there's time for that, the surgeon of the night shift checks the emergency and evaluates the severity and then calls the on call-surgeon to intervene. This is why Taeyong was a bit annoyed, because Sicheng called him for nothing :D 
> 
> See you with the next chapter! : D 
> 
> Heesyrax
> 
> edit:I just realized that I wrote "Jaehyun's bald" instead of "Jaehyun's bold" in the summary and I'm here laughing my ass off lmao


	5. Who are you?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Taeyong is quite difficult to manage. 
> 
> Johnny and Hansol finally meet. 
> 
> And Ten deals with a difficult case.

When Jaehyun had heard the rumor that Taeyong, Dr. Lee Taeyong, the 3rd year General Surgery resident everyone feared, had Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder, he hadn’t believed it.

He had shushed Sicheng when he had reported that rumor, quoting the fact that Taeyong liked to put stiches at regular distance with maniacal precision, or that he didn’t like to be touched by anyone that wasn’t Yuta, or that sometimes people in the OR waited for him a bit too much because he spent triple the necessary time washing his hands, to the point of causing himself atopic dermatitis.

 “That’s not enough to speak about OCD, you’re a doctor as well and you should know better than misusing terms”. – he had told Sicheng.

 When he had understood that none wanted to share Taeyong’s apartment-even though it was a really nice apartment- for this reason, he had decided it was beyond ridiculous.

 It took no more than his second day in Taeyong’s house to realize it was actually true.

 He stays quiet as Taeyong throws all his stuff out of the bathroom, almost hitting him in the face with a towel or the hydrating cream. He looks as he is about to face a crisis, his –beautiful- face disfigured by tiredness due to another draining night shift, the skin pale and yellow due to the sick lighting, scars due to atopic dermatitis can be seen here and there. Taeyong throws his clothes on the floor, looking at him, clearly mad. His eyes glimmer with rage.

 

 -This is _my_ bathroom. _Yours_ is the other one. -

 

 Those words are breathed out difficultly, as if he is about to collapse due to the lack of air, his eyes are sparkling with tears due to that. Jaehyun can’t manage to do anything but breathe loudly. When he finally finds the words- while Taeyong is washing his hands repeatedly for touching someone else’s things- his voice comes out weak.

 

 -Yuta didn’t mention it when he showed me the house…he told me I could use this bathroom freely. -

 

 Taeyong stays quiet for a while, looking at him as if trying to figure out if the other was lying or not. He studies Jaehyun’s eyes attentively, and the latter fears a shiver running down his spine because Taeyong looks a bit inhumane and scary and _exceptionally_ handsome. A weird mix, he thinks.

Then Taeyong starts laughing, bowing to catch breath, resting his wet hands on his thighs. Jaehyun is beyond perplexed, and he opts for swallowing silently. When Taeyong looks at him again, he is smiling. A sick smile, for some reason he can’t really point out, but it’s still a smile.

 

-It was one of Yuta’s pranks, then. -

 

Jaehyun breathes out, relieved.

 

 

 

Taeyong offers him a cup of tea, his hands trembling a bit while handing him a mug full of steaming hot liquid. He was drained out by work and his recent crisis. He tries to smile while muttering a “Thank you.”

 

-I’m sorry that I scared you. -

 

-Don’t worry…you have quite of a fame for being the scary, tough Senior anyway. – he tries to lighten the atmosphere.

 

Taeyong looks at him while sitting in front of him, still quite distant. He then concentrates on the steam coming from his tea, humming.

 

-I just lose control when I see someone else’s things mixing with mine. Yuta was irresponsible. – he feels ashamed in admitting it.

 

Jaehyun stays quiet, listening to silence creeping between them in the kitchen. It’s a nice kitchen, neat and clean, everything placed with a precise order he’s not sure he can get without proper explanation.

 

-Why do you live with other people, then? –

 

He speaks using honorifics, so he hopes it doesn’t come out as too personal or disrespectful- this Taeyong looks nothing like the tough one that lives inside the hospital, but he still doesn’t know how to deal with him.He suddenly feels like he’s taken a risk in moving in this house. Taeyong just looks at him again, biting his nail before answering.

 

-Buying this place was expensive, I can’t afford the mortgage payment on my own. I have to adjust. -

 

Jaehyun would like to ask why he bought a house in the first place instead of renting a room like most residents do, but he doesn’t dare to. He feels there’s a big red line somewhere between him and Taeyong, it’s invisible, and yet he’s afraid to cross it with each step he makes. So he just nods.

 In that moment, the door opens, and Yuta comes in. He is coming back from his morning sport session, so he’s sweaty, his shiny, brown hair wet due to the fog and the sweat, his jumper is half open, revealing his chest covered by nothing but a black sweatshirt. It’s a nice view, and Jaehyun blushes and looks away instantly.

 

-Good Morning, flat mates! I see you two are getting along, wonderful. –

 

Taeyong looks at him for a while, then he grins, standing up and reaching for Yuta, who senses the danger and tries to make his way quickly to his room. Taeyong is faster and digs his hands in his hair, earning a cry from Yuta. Then he pushes him against the wall, with no intention to hurt him, but Jaehyun still feels he wants to be anywhere but there.

 

- _You_ should just stop playing around, Yuta. Someday I might get really mad at you. –

 

Yuta starts laughing, trying to reach Taeyong’s abdomen to tickle him. Taeyong scrunches his nose, before letting go of him, who turns around to face Jaehyun.

 

-Ok, got it, I won’t do it again. Congratulations Jaehyun, you’re the only one who didn’t run away at day two. The physiatrist who came here last month still avoids us at all costs. -

 

-That's because you insisted to cook your "wonderful" soup while I was away. And then said that Physiatrists are Orthopedists' oompa loompas.- 

-Still, no lie detected.-

 

Jaehyun has two things on his mind: One, he would actually like to run away, but somehow he is glued to that chair, finding the situation oddly interesting. Two, it was true, only Yuta can touch Taeyong, or joke with him.

 So he wonders if the other rumor, the one that says that Taeyong almost got expelled from the residency program for beating Ten, is true as well. He smiles as if nothing had happened.

 

-So, can someone explain me properly what I can do and what I can’t do in this house? -

 

Taeyong grins.

 

-First of all, don’t walk around with that terrible “Keep calm, I am an Internist” T-shirt in my house. Secondly, there’s a separate space for your shoes, don’t leave clothes around, don’t mix your mug with mine…-

 

It’s quite a long list, but Jaehyun’s always been good at taking notes.

 

 ______________________________________________________________________________________

Johnny still manages to be surprised by Ten, even after one whole month of dealing with him.This time, Ten is waiting for him outside of the grocery shop inside his big, black and expensive car.He is wearing a colorful sweater, too large for him, and Johnny loves that detail because he just looks even more tiny, even more fragile.Johnny goes towards the car, shivering in his black coat, wind moving his hair around. He smiles at Ten while entering the car.

 

-I just finished an 8 hours shift, it’s dinner time so don’t you dare bring me anywhere before eating something because I could kill you. -

 

Ten rolls his eyes, before stretching towards the back of the car to grab a sack and puts it on Johnny’s legs, the smell of delicious food coming from it. Then he grabs a handful of his hairs before capturing his lips and sucking them, searching for his tongue. Johnny temporarily forgets about dinner and satiates his hunger with the sweet scent of Ten’s skin and the lustful consistency of his lips. He moves away from them, searching for his neck and biting it. An old man outside the car starts yelling at them, but he doesn’t care, he doesn’t care about anything when he’s with Ten, as if the whole world stopped and his rational self became an irrational mess. Ten looks at him, the circles around his eyes a bit attenuated, probably because he managed to sleep this afternoon. His fingers run on Johnny’s face, and it’s a tenderness he shouldn’t get used to.

 

-Are you on call tonight? -

 

Ten nods, before snuggling on his neck. Johnny bites his own lips, he would like to yell at Ten and tell him to stop because it’s becoming way too addictive.

 

-Yes, but I wanted to go to the Han River for a while anyway. If something happens, it’s not too far from the Hospital. -

Johnny widens his eyes, and then looks to the sky: dark clouds are above them, threatening to release all their fury on the city quite soon.

 

-Ten, It’s going to rain. –

 

Ten laughs, kissing Johnny again, biting his lip and whispering, so close to him.

 

-Fuck it, fuck the weather, I want to go to the Han River and eat those burgers with you and do whatever I like to do, are you with me? -

 

_Addictive. Dangerous and addictive._

The thunders had scared most of the people, plus Ten had parked the car on a not so popular side of the river anyway, so they’re the only people staring at the calm waters of the river flowing through the city, gracefully making its way amongst the skyscrapers and the lights that flicker on the water surface, creating beautiful games and illusions that Johnny stares at for a few moments. He’s soon distracted by Ten who leans on his shoulder, closing his eyes for a while, and Johnny smiles at the sight, promptly embracing him with his arm and pulling him closer. 

Looking at them, one would tell they’re in a healthy, romantic relationship. Johnny doesn’t even know what they are, if they’re some kind of strange friends with benefits or in a strange relationship or…actually, he doesn’t even care. Thinking about it gives him a headache and he likes the time he spends with Ten, it doesn’t need a name.

He knows a day will come when Ten will no longer search for him, so he prefers to miss a nameless thing. He knows he’s not the only one as well, he can see his marks aren’t the only one on Ten’s skin.

 

-Johnny?-

 

Johnny looks at him, moving his bangs from his forehead, in order to better reveal his beautiful face.

 

-Yes?-

 

Ten giggles, pressing his face on Johnny’s chest, and Johnny loves the warmth of his breath sneaking through his sweater.

 

-Nothing, I just wanted to call your name.-

 

Johnny smirks, caressing his head.

 

-I prefer when you call it in another circumstance. –

 

Ten laughs again, suddenly stopping his cute act and making his way in between Johnny’s legs, pushing him down on the grass.

 

-You pervert.-

 

-You’re not credible, sweetheart.-

 

Ten kisses him again, holding down his wrists, and Johnny swears he loves when the little one takes the lead. Ten’s thigh gently slides on Johnny’s crotch while he lets their bodies come into contact, and they should be used to this after a month, but for some reason it always feels like a flame sparkled in between them, painfully, pleasurably.But then he simply rests his head on Johnny’s chest, closing his eyes: he just wanted to feel a contact. And Johnny doesn’t deny it to him.It has become a routine, giving Ten affection, other than sex. Other than hours of pseudo-philosophical talks. Other than the lies. He slides his hand under Ten’s sweater to caress his back, exposing his skin to the cold air, and he feels the other shivering.

 

-Ten?-

 

-Hhm?-

 

Ten hums against his neck.

 

-Why did you become a doctor?-

 

Ten suddenly raises his head, looking at him in the eyes, and Johnny is one step away from having a heart attack: he’s so handsome, so damn handsome.They both swallow. And a thunder, a louder one, fills the silence.

 

-I was a dancer. I was sure of being one for the rest of my life. -

 

The first raindrops start to fall from the sky, and they should move, but Ten stays still on top of Johnny, and the latter doesn’t dare question that choice. He just looks at him in the eyes.

 

-And then? -

 

-And then, when I was 17, I discovered I didn’t want to. At the end, after a show, an important one, after everyone had complimented me…I felt nothing. Nothing. It was horrible. -

 

Ten is remembering, he has the same face of whenever bad thoughts start raging in his mind, and Johnny finds it sadistically beautiful.

 

-It was a bad period. I lost my friends, I lost everything when I dropped dance. I stopped eating, to the point of causing myself nutritional deficit. -

 

He nods, and it’s painful to see. Johnny swallows, almost regretting of having asked, and being extremely happy that Ten is opening this easily to him at the same time. Rain keeps falling.

 

-Those weeks in the hospital were terrible, but as I watched the doctors work I thought I could be a good one if I wanted to. I realized how stupid I was being in letting myself go, that I could be so many things other than a dancer. So I got up, slowly, and started again. So here I am. –

 

Johnny smiles, almost proud, and caresses Ten’s cheek. He wonders how can someone this little cause so many conflicting feelings in him. They’re soaking wet by this time and if Ten is crying after that speech, he can’t tell because water is everywhere now, raindrops making their way on Ten’s face and neck, leaving lustful traces towards his chest.

 

Ten reaches for his hand, locking their fingers together.

 

-Do you still dance? -

 

-Yes. And now I love it, now that’s not a work anymore. -

 

-Will you dance for me, someday? -

 

Ten whispers a “Yes” before lowering and kissing Johnny yet again, his hunger for the other’s lips never satiating. He avoids to think how much Johnny keeps being silent about his past, just losing himself in the passionate kiss.

 His telephone rings.

 He rolls his eyes, while Johnny smiles: he’s gotten used to it.

 

-I swear I’m hating my ringtone….Hello?-

 

He listens attentively, frowning, concentrated. Johnny can recognize Hansol’s voice through the phone, and an irrational hint of jealousy makes its way in his chest. Ten spoke of him as someone really close, but he didn’t know anything else. When Ten is done with the call, he immediately moves away from Johnny.

 

-Ok, it’s quite serious. I’m bringing you home and then I’ll go. –

 

Johnny stands up, suddenly regretting staying under the rain, the feeling of wet clothes on his skin uncomfortable. Ten always made him do the stupidest things.

 

-You’ll be late; I can catch a bus. -

 

Ten looks at him, he clearly doesn’t want to leave him alone to catch a bus after that moment.

 

-Well, I could drive to the hospital and then you can take my car to go home. The rain is getting serious. –

 

Johnny nods, suddenly proud of all the trust Ten is giving him.

 

 

 

By the time they’re in front of the hospital a furious storm is raging on the whole city. Ten is cold, curls of condensed air coming from his mouth, and he shivers before locking his lips to Johnny’s one last time.

 

-Call me when you’re done, I can come and pick you up. -

 

Ten nods, smiling.

 

-Have a goodnight, Johnny. -

 

When they separate, they both notice Hansol standing in front of their car with nothing but an umbrella protecting him from the storm. Johnny had never seen him, but he had caught a glimpse of him while Ten was showing some photos in his phone, once; he’s just taller and more handsome than he thought.

 

_Jealousy. Irrational Jealousy._

Ten looks at both of them while opening an umbrella once he’s out of the car, and he looks as uncomfortable as Johnny is. But Hansol looks calm while resting his hand on Ten’s shoulder.

 

-I left everything prepared for you, there’s Seulgi following the case tonight ok?-

 

Ten nods, muttering a “thank you” before leaving. Once he’s disappeared towards the entrance of the hospital, the two tall men keep on staring at each other, one inside the car, the other one still under the rain. Till Johnny decides he owns it to Ten.

 

-Do you need a ride home? -

 

Hansol smiles, getting into the car, his hair and clothes wet despite the umbrella. Johnny avoids looking at him directly, feeling a strange feeling forming in his guts.

 

-Yes, thank you. I’m not exactly a fan of storms and it’s a fortunate coincidence anyway, I wanted to know you.-

 

Johnny starts the car, swallowing and trying not to find Hansol’s big, seemingly kind, eyes too annoying.

 

-Know me? Pleasure to meet you, I’m Johnny. We’ve already spoken on the phone once. -

 

He tries to be funny, and it kind of works, since Hansol starts laughing.

 

-I know. Ten’s been talking about you a lot in this last month. -

 

Johnny laughs, nervously, while speeding through the city. He doesn’t ask where he needs to bring Hansol, he knows he and Ten live together and he’s already brought Ten home once.

 

-Really? What does he say? And he speaks quite a lot about you as well. -

 

Hansol looks into the night, sighing.

 

-He likes you, a lot. -

 

Johnny breathes in and his head feels light for a moment, silently listening to Hansol’s breaths.

 

-I like him too. -

 

Hansol laughs, and Johnny doesn’t really like that laugh, as if there is a hint of sarcasm in it. He wonders what Hansol is actually trying to do.

 

-Most people do. Till he tells them the whole truth. -

 

Johnny would like to stop the car and run away, away from something he’s quite sure he won’t like. But he can’t, he’s in the middle of the street and Hansol’s eyes are staring at him.

 

-What truth? If it’s about Yuta, I know it…sort of? -

 

-What do you know about Yuta?- Hansol’s voice is not so kind anymore, making him sound quite irritated.

 

-He was his boyfriend, then something happened...now Yuta hates him and Ten says he’s dangerous and….and…-

 

He suddenly realizes he knows nothing about that story. That Ten trusts him on riding his expensive car but he didn’t trust him telling him the whole truth. Can he really blame him?

 

-…you don’t know the whole story, then. -

 

-What is it, then? Tell me. – he says, clearly annoyed and worried at the same time.

 

Hansol sighs at Johnny’s worried voice: if he’s going to disappear after tonight, he’s not sure Ten’s going to forgive him. But he feels he needs to do it.

 

-Let me put it this way, Johnny. Not everyone can bear Ten’s personality. Yuta thought he could, till he came out half broken. I’m the only one who managed to do it. - 

 

Johnny has to stop the car in the middle of the city, earning a couple of yells from a few of angry car drivers, parking it in the middle of who-knows-where. He looks at Hansol in the eyes, trying to fight the urge to punch him.

 

-If it’s for the pills…-

 

-I personally make sure he doesn’t become too addicted to them, that’s not the point, thank you. -

 

Johnny wants to break something.

 

-You’re his friend, you’ve known him from much longer, If I need to know something that Yuta didn’t know just do it! -

 

He’s yelling, and when he’s stop doing so, Hansol’s grabbed his sweater, pulling him closer, all the kindness gone.

 

-Johnny…I am not his _friend_ , not really. That’s the problem. -

 

Johnny stops breathing for a moment, while it suddenly clicks his mind. He puts his own hands on Hansol’s arms, in a silent plead of letting go of him.

 

-Sorry. - Hansol mutters, before letting him go, and Johnny abandons himself on the seat.

 

Silence creeps, and when Johnny dares to speak again, his voice is cracked, unstable.

 

-How long? -

 

-8 years, more or less. -

 

The cracks in Johnny’s soul deepen.

 

-…And Yuta? -

 

Hansol has some difficulties in speaking as well now, a painful lump formed in his throat.

 

-We were fine till one or two years ago. Then he started changing, and things became unbearable. It was hard...-

 

He stops, trying to find the words.

 

-It was hard understanding that he loved Ten more than he loved me. -

 

Johnny wants to cry, mostly because he can’t manage to understand, everything just speeds in his minds. He thought he’d have a clearer picture by now, but it’s just as confused as before. And in the meanwhile, he can feel something breaking.

 

-Are you jealous of me? - he doesn’t mask the fact that he’s hurt.

 

Hansol sighs, then shakes his head.

 

-No, I’m…I’m glad that you are here. He’s been happy in the last month, and all I want it’s his happiness. I accept the fact that I can’t be the only one for him, that’s how he is. That’s how I am.-

 

Johnny stays quiet for a while before looking at him. He’s jealous of him, he is. Pictures of him in bed with Ten keep on racing in his mind, he preferred when he had no name, no face, when the marks on Ten’s skin belonged to an unknown none. Not to a tall, blonde, handsome guy that has been with him for years and knows him better than he does.

 

-I knew I wasn’t the only one, I knew it was something strange between us. –

 

-Can you manage it, Jonny? He’s still facing Yuta’s hate, he’s facing the hate of the whole hospital. He doesn’t need more suffering. -

 

Johnny whispers, that’s all his pain allows him to do, that’s all he can do while he sees pieces of himself shattering around, and it’s a familiar feeling. He hadn’t realized how much he was into Ten till this moment.

 

-I don’t know. -

 

_______________________________________________________

 

Ten had quickly changed into his work clothes, wore his coat and ran towards the 5th floor, where one of superiors, Dr. Park -an old and experienced surgeon-, looks at him once he enters the Doctor’s room.

 

-You’re late. -

 

-I’m sorry, I drove slowly due to the rain. -  he lies.

 

Dr. Park hums, before handing him a X- Ray film. He frowns when he sees it, studying it attentively.

 

-It’s a 3 years old girl, she has abdominal pain, vomiting, irritability. What do you see? -

 

\- It's a small bowel obstruction. Did she swallow a toy or something? It’s impacted on the ileocecal valve. She needs surgery immediately. -

 

Dr. Park nods, before writing something at the computer.

 

-We’re already preparing her. She’s in room 547. Go and do the pre op procedures, then rush to the OR and don’t you dare being late. –

 

He rushes towards the girl’s room, and when he enters it he finds two nurses around the bed, along with her parents. The woman looks at him, and her face is distorted by worry and guilt, while the man is silently looking at the bed.

 

-Doctor, I don’t know how it could happen, I’m…-

 

He shushes her kindly, reassuring her, before heading towards the child’s bed: she’s in pain, one could tell from her face as she’s about to cry. He reads her name on the clinical record.

 

_Katherine Seo._

 

He stops for a moment, before swallowing and going on.

 

-Katherine…-

 

He brushes her hair slightly, and she looks at him, holding her mother’s hand tightly. She responds with a little cry, and Ten’s heart hurts a bit: it’s his job, but it’s never easy seeing children suffering.

 

-I’m Dr. Ten, you’ll soon be fine, ok? Do you trust me?-

 

All he gathers in response is a higher cry.

 

-I want my dad!-

 

The man next to the bed stiffens, before his shoulder sag in an uncomfortable position. Her mother freezes, sighing.

 Ten blinks, confused. He tries to distract Katherine by putting the stethoscope on her belly, auscultating attentively before whispering to the man, unable to be heard by the child.

 

-You’re not the biological father, Sir? -

 

The man shakes his head, and the woman is about to cry. She just sighs painfully.

 

-Have you already contacted him, then? The child may want to see him after the surgery, at least. -

 

The woman shakes her head again, and holds her daughter’s hand more tightly.

 

-It’s not necessary, he can’t be here anyway. -

 

Ten doesn’t question that choice, it’s none of his business.

 

 

 

Once he’s done preparing the child, he exits the room and heads quickly towards the elevator, since he needs to be in the OR as soon as possible.Inside it, he finds the same nurses as before and one of the Anesthesiology resident, heading to the same place. They’re chatting about something, and he hates rumors and stupid gossip, mostly because he knows they talk about him as soon he walks away.

But this time it’s a different kind of gossip.

 

-Yeah, the mother of the girl…she’s Kim Seoyeon, the daughter of the owner of the Kim group, the most important group of Private Banks here in Korea. The one there, it’s her second husband, the other one…-

 

The others gasp, impatient to know more. Ten just rolls his eyes, unseen. The elevator doors open once they’ve arrived, and they all exit at once.

 

-…the other one, he was the youngest General Director the group had ever had, he met Kim Seoyeon at University in America. I can’t recall his name, though. It looks like he was planning to become the CEO himself, kicking out his own father in law. -

 

There is more gasping, but Ten stays quiet. He’s in front of the male changing room, but before they can walk away he stops them. He feels numb, and he can’t quite understand why.

 

-And then? - he says.

 

The nurses look at him, shocked, since he always distances himself from gossip and barely gives them any attention. The one who was speaking swallows, and then continues.

 

-…he was discovered, and it turned out that he had betrayed her for years with her own cousin, the marketing manager of the group. They both were banned from the group immediately; he can’t even see his daughter right now. What a fool. -

 

Ten breathes silently for a few seconds.

 

-How do you know all those things? Are you sure? -

 

The nurse nods.

 

-It’s been quite of a scandal, it was on newspapers. –

 

Ten nods, before entering the changing room. He doesn’t recall ever being this quick in changing into his OR equipment. He rushes towards OR 4 with a heavy heart, a terrible feeling clenching his whole being. When he enters he doesn’t pay attention to any of his colleagues, seniors, nurses or rest of the staff. He just heads to the center of the room, on which the little Katherine is laying down, ready to for the anesthesiologist to act and put her to sleep, so she won’t remember one thing when she wakes up.

He brushes her hair through the cuff, trying to smile.

 

-Katherine…can you please tell me the name of your dad? -

 

It’s unprofessional, but he needs to know.

 

-Johnny. -

 

Her little, shaky voice pierces through his mind, and he goes blank for a moment.

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone! Thanks again for the bookmarks, the comments and the kudos <3 <3 
> 
> I've been in Sicily for one week and writing after it was kinda difficult /cries. 
> 
> Hope this chapter cleared out things a bit; yes, it's more complicated than what it looked like. I hope it doesn't suck (ç_ç), it was kinda difficult for me to write what I had in mind this time.
> 
> (For those who didn't get it from the chapter: 
> 
> -Hansol and Ten are together, in an open, polyamorous relationship. They're ok with each other seeing other people, problem is the other people may not appreciate it.   
> -Yuta was with them, until he started growing jealousy towards Ten.)
> 
> And sorry, this chapter is still angsty, but I can't make things better if we don't reach the bottom of the angst /çnç/
> 
> From now on, since I will start classes/traineeship/studying/social life (maybe) I may be a little slower with updates, but I promise I'll try my best to be constant! Writing this thing is fun for me so it requires less time than thought lmao
> 
> See you with the next update ~ 
> 
> Heesyrax


	6. Useless, helpless

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hansol shares pieces of memories.  
> Johnny has to tell the truth, and it's not easy.  
> Jaehyun repeats things in his mind.  
> Sicheng is facing a crisis, and he gets an unexpected advice.  
> Taeyong still fights with himself. 
> 
> Ten meets an old friend.

 

Ten’s house is an odd mixture of coldness and warmth, and he can’t figure out if it’s due to the reflection of Ten’s contradictions or if Hansol’s character had impressed on those walls and spaces as well.He feels uncomfortable, floating in an unknown atmosphere he can’t control.He chokes that feeling by smoking another cigarette, trying to dissolve Hansol’s figure in front of him with the curls of white smoke.A cup of coffee stands on his left and a photograph is on his right: it portraits three boys, captured in a beautiful and happy moment, one could tell from their wide smiles.Ten hadn’t changed much, if not for subtle things: his cheeks used to be rounder, his face more childish, the light in his eyes barely hinting at mischievousness and complexity. He used to be a simple, happy boy.There is Hansol on the right, younger, his hair was black back then. And in the middle stands Yuta, smiling, with wind ruffling his black hair and a glimmer in his eyes spoke of pure joy, expectations, ambitions. He had seen Yuta only once, and not one of those things was left in his irises, he had registered only wrath, regret, sadness.

Hansol has been explaining the whole story for hours now, and he can’t still seem to grasp it.

It looks surreal, as if he was caught in someone else’s dream. Or maybe it’s a nightmare.

He takes a sip of coffee, looking at Hansol, and he finds it less hard than a few hours before. Maybe he will just get used to him.

 

\- When did you take that photo? -

 

\- Ten was in his second year back then. He already was one of the best students in the whole school. So was Yuta.-

 

Johnny swallows, he’d like to ask something more, but he’s afraid of an answer he already knows, somehow.

 

-Were you already together back then? -

Hansol lowers his stare, looking at his green tea, steam hitting his face, unable to distract him from the stream of thoughts that’s invading his mind…

 

_Ten yawns in class, glad he sat in the back rows today. Immunology had never been his favorite subject, add that to the fact he had slept only two hours the previous night, result is  he couldn’t care less about major histocompatibility complex and all the magic wonders of that molecule._

_He just keeps looking at his phone to check the time._

_“It’ll soon be over” he thinks, since he’s hungry and is anticipating his lunch._

_He’s trying anyway his best to look like he actually cares about what the lecturer is saying, but his attempts are vanished when he sees the text message he’s just received._

_It’s from Yuta._

 

_“Me and Hansol are waiting for you in the bathroom next to your lecture hall. There’s none in here. ; )”_

 

_One from Hansol immediately follows._

 

_“Don’t listen to this motherfucker, I don’t want you to fail immunology.”_

 

_Ten looks at his lecturer with a smirk: he’s absorbed by his explanations, and he doesn’t know his name anyway._

_His smirk widens when he collects his things and grabs his bag, earning a couple of disgusted stares from his classmates._

_He couldn’t care less. He’s behaved like this for other classes and in the end he always performed better than the others._

 

_When he reaches the bathroom, he opens the door lightly, to make sure none’s actually in there._

 

_His eyes wander around to search for Yuta and Hansol, and they’re wide, like those of a child who’s exploring the world._

_He doesn’t realize they’re in one of the cabins till he feels Yuta’s hands grabbing him by his shoulder and drag him towards the cabin, closing the door soon after._

_The first thing he sees are Yuta’s eyes, glimmering in the dark as they look at Ten’s face, and his scent is strong in his own nostrils._

_So is Hansol’s, he can feel the other behind him, and his scent is gentler, yet manlier._

 

_He leans forward to reach Yuta’s lips, they’re soft and sweet as usual, plump and pink._

_He digs one hand in his hair, but he extends the other one to reach Hansol’s fingers, who takes it immediately with a smile._

_The tallest of the three presses his body against Ten, squeezing him further against Yuta as well._

_He then whispers in his ear, making him shiver._  
  
-I told you not to skip any class. You may regret it. -

 

 _Ten rolls his eyes, turning around to face him, his big, brown eyes looking at him with concern, but there’s admiration as well, there’s love. Too much love._  
  
-Oh come on, just one skipped class won’t kill me. -

 

_He then tiptoes to reach his mouth, stealing a kiss from his lips, and he knows that Hansol has already forgiven him._

_That he wasn’t even mad in the first place._

 

_Yuta giggles, back hugging Ten and kissing him on the cheek._

 

_-Hansol’s way too boring. Why do we even love him? -_

 

_Hansol rolls his eyes, flicking his fingers on Yuta’s head. Ten laughs, resting his body against Yuta’s._

 

_\- I don’t know. Maybe we should just dump him. -_

_Hansol rolls his eyes, crossing his arms._

 

_-First of all, don’t shame me for being the only one with common sense here. Secondly, let’s go and eat, I’m hungry. -_

 

Yuta’s and Ten’s laughs still resonate in Hansol’s head once his memory was done flashing in his mind. It was that day, when they had met one of their friends who had just bought a new camera and wanted to test it. So they are there, immortalized in a moment of happiness that doesn’t belong to them anymore. He reaches for the photo, touching Yuta’s face, and he could still feel his lips, he could still hear his laugh, he could still see his smile.

Johnny stays silent, not knowing what to say.

He’s trying to guess what’s going on in Hansol’s mind, but everything remains a mystery to him, like a puzzle he can’t even manage to start because pieces are so scattered in the whole room that as soon as he’s find one, he’s lost the other.

 

-Did you love one more than the other? -

 

Hansol laughs, bitterly.

 

-I loved them equally. One for some things, the other one for other things. -

 

Johnny nods, smiling a bit. Bitterly, again.

And while he does so keys start opening the main door, and after a while Ten appears, and his face appears even more tired than usual, the dark circles even worse around his eyes, his limbs tiredly leading him through the entrance. He’s soaking wet, as if he had walked all the way back  in the pouring rain. Both Hansol and Johnny widen their eyes, standing up to go towards him, but as soon as they do so, Johnny looks at Hansol and backs up.

Maybe it’s not his job, after all.

He watches carefully as Hansol places his hands on his lover’s shoulders and lifts him up, moving the wet bangs away from his forehead. He feels like he shouldn’t be there, suddenly.

 

-What happened? Why didn’t you call me or Johnny? Did something happen to the child? -

 

Ten swallows, and shakes his head, not having enough strength to say anything else. When he moves to proper light, he can see his eyes, and he understands that the drips of water on his face aren’t just rain, there’s been tears, he can tell from his reddened and swollen eyes. Ten suddenly places a kiss on Hansol’s lips, and Johnny feels something burning in his chest, and he can’t quite tell if it’s just possessiveness, anger or something more. Then he moves away from Hansol, heading towards Johnny, who is standing still in the dim light, powerless, almost fearing Ten’s stare.

He should’ve feared that stare long ago.

Much to his surprise, Ten just places a hand on his chest, as if he wanted to comfort him, for some reason he can’t really understand. He stops breathing for a moment.

 

-Go to the hospital tomorrow, someone wants to see you. -

 

Hansol is confused, and Johnny is even more so, frowning and placing his hand on Ten’s.

 

-What are you talking about…? –

 

Ten swallows, taking his hand in his own, smaller.

 

-Katherine, your daughter, she was not well tonight. She is fine now, but she asked for you. -

Johnny’s mind goes blank for a moment, and when he comes back to his senses, he’s shaking because that’s just another thing he doesn’t understand.His voice comes out hoarse, as if someone had stolen his strength to talk.

 

-Kathy…? What, what does she have? Tell me! –

 

He’s grabbed Ten’s shoulders, shaking him a bit, forgetting everything about what he had learnt in the previous hours, suddenly unimportant. Ten stops him, and Hansol leans against the wall, staring at the scene in disbelief.

 

-She ate a toy, we operated her, she’s fine now, I swear. -

 

Johnny suddenly moves to grab his bag, almost letting Ten fall on the ground, but the latter moves to stop him.

 

-They won’t let you enter now. It’s useless. Tomorrow. -

 

Johnny stands still for a moment, looking at Ten as if pondering whether to believe him or not. He then takes out his phone, looking at the display: no calls, no texts, not one single signal from his wife or the social assistant. He was being completely erased from his daughter’s life.

Something painful forms in his throat, as he lets the phone fall on the ground, and he stays there, powerless, useless, breathless. Ten takes him by the neck, welcoming him in his arms. He lets himself be comforted by Ten, again.

It’s sweet, in a way.

But then Ten whispers in his ear, and it resonates heavily in his head.

 

-About the rest…we’ll talk tomorrow. Now just sleep here. Why didn’t you tell me? –

 

Johnny smiles, joylessly.

 

-I could ask you the same thing. -

_________________________________________________________________________________________

 

Yuta likes the cold, and he never understood that single trait of himself.

May it be high on a mountain or staring at the rain pouring mercilessly on the city from the hospital roof, the feeling of cold air creeping through his clothes and lingering on his skin has something that pleasurably stimulates his senses, and somehow eases the pain that his thoughts bring. He smokes alone there, in the night, the cellphone in his pocket the only connection he holds with the rest of the world. He’s cut a lot on cigarettes, one of the many poisonous things he’s tried to cut out of his life due to Taeyong’s influence, but still he needs relief sometimes, and he finds it in the loud silence of solitude, with a cigarette as his only friend. He stares into the lights with an indecipherable face, his eyes sparkling with a light that could mean either happiness or despair. A continuous stream of thoughts races in his mind, and it includes the countless reasons why he doesn’t miss the past, and the countless plus one more reason why he does.

He’s interrupted while he’s still halfway through his cigarette, the sound of the door that leads to the roof opening, and he stiffens: he feels that is his space, his angle of peace. He turns around to stare at Sicheng, who is clearly surprised of finding him in there. His eyes are swollen due to tears, he looks tired.

They stare at each other for few moments before Sicheng turns around to leave.

 

-Sicheng. –

 

The younger stops for a moment, before turning around again, frightened.

Yuta finds it a bit sad, that someone just a few years younger than him would be frightened by him, he used to be cheerful, he used to be someone the younger ones would look up to in every moment of difficulty. He arranges a smile anyway, gesturing Sicheng to come closer. The boy obeys, coming closer to admire the city lights in front of them, almost blinding.

 

-Beautiful, isn’t it? –

 

Sicheng looks at him and takes time to answer, and Yuta can’t tell whether it’s because he’s scared or he’s still not good enough at Korean.

 

-It is beautiful. –

 

They stay silent for a while and Yuta keeps on smoking, the wind gently ruffling his locks of thick, lucent hair.

 

-Did Taeyong yell at you again? –

 

Sicheng stares at him with his childish eyes wide open, before looking at his hands in shame.

 

-Maybe I’m not good enough for this. Maybe I should do something else. He keeps on scolding me. –

 

All he gains from Yuta in response is a laugh, the other’s voice piercing through his mind while he can’t tell if he thinks he’s a fool or what.A deep feeling of inadequacy settles in his core, making him heart sink.

 

-You should, if you think Taeyong’s yells are a good reason to give up. –

 

Sicheng widens his eyes a bit more, not understanding what Yuta means.

 

-He has to scold you. This is a tough job. You can’t expect him to pamper you. You wouldn’t survive one day if he didn’t teach you that it’s hard. –

 

Sicheng wonders if he can trust what the other is saying. He has all the reasons to believe Yuta is making fun of him, since he’s Taeyong’s best –or better, only- friend, and has the reputation of being cold and many other things he can’t remember. But his eyes seem to tell the contrary as they stare at Sicheng. His thoughts suddenly wander to his parents, in China, who pray everyday for his son to be successful, and there he is: on the verge of tears on the roof of the hospital, instead of working.

 

-It’s hard, to go on with none telling you you’re doing well. –

 

Sicheng’s accent is a bit messed up, but Yuta understands anyway. He would laugh with Taeyong about his funny mispronunciations at times, but he has no bad intentions on that: he remembers what is like being a foreigner and being barely able to speak.

 

-None will tell you you’re good till they’re forced to. All you can do is do your best to force them to do so. –

 

Sicheng is speechless, and silence grows in between them, filled by the distant sound of an ambulance reaching the ER department. Time is probably ticking, maybe they’ll soon have to leave.

 

-Did someone ever yell at you? –

 

Yuta smiles again, and Sicheng wonders where that smile hides during the day when the older walks through the corridors with a serious face, always thoughtful.

 

-All the time. All day long, so badly I came here to cry most of the times. And I felt hopeless, till one day I was so angry and frustrated I had to show that I can actually do something. That was the first time I managed something on my own, and in the end I got no “you did well” or “you’re good”. I just got back a smile from the patient, and his leg functioning perfectly after less than one month. That’s our reward, Sicheng. –

 

It’s one moment of silence before Sicheng’s phone rings, a call from the ER, and he freezes, taking a deep breath. Yuta finishes his cigarette, throwing it on the ground and stepping on it, he would pick it up later. Sicheng’s ringtone fills his ears as the younger is walking fast towards the door.

 

-Don’t kill that one, ok? – he says.

 

Sicheng smiles, mouthing a “thank you” before disappearing. Yuta goes back to his peaceful moment for a while, inspiring deeply the fresh air. He’s interrupted again when his phone rings, and he frowns while checking it, he’s sure it’s the ER searching for him.

 _“Hansol”_ flashes brightly on his phone display, and he starts shaking. He knows Hansol finished his shift few hours ago, so he’s not searching him for work reasons.

He just wants to talk to him, he’s been trying to do so for a year now.

He swallows while rejecting the call, before feeling tears making their way on his cheeks, salty and burning.

 

-I’m sorry. –

 

He whispers to Hansol, who can’t hear him.

 

____________________________________________________________________________________

 

Jaehyun is staring helplessly at the bed n 325.

He’s frozen as he stares at the monitor, hoping that sooner or later the saturation will go up, the blood pressure will rise, the heart beat will slow down. He hopes that death would somehow rethink that decision and let the unconscious Mr. Park live just enough time to see his relatives visiting him the next day. He’s old, too old, too frail and they’ve done anything they could do to give him that little bit more time.

Everything was not enough. The Oxygen is too much,too many little tubes are into his veins, too many drugs mixed in a desperate way to fight death.

It’s a lost battle.

Jaehyun will probably never get used to that feeling of hopelessness, and he feels empty and useless as he sits on that chair, carrying on his shoulders the weight of being the last person Mr Park will see because his relatives won’t be there on time.He swallows, biting his lips as he stares at the saturation falling a bit more. As he does so he fails to notice Taeyong’s staring at him while leaning on the door entrance.

 

-Are you going to stay here all night long? –

 

He’s surprised to hear his voice and stares back immediately, watching Taeyong’s eyes glimmer into the darkness of the room, reflecting the lights of the monitor.

 

-I won’t be here long. –

 

The implications of that sentence are clear: _“he doesn’t have much time. Not even one hour, probably.”_ .Mr Park can’t hear him.

 

Taeyong moves closer, grabbing a chair to sit next to him.They had developed a strange relationship, during the last days. They don’t talk about their lives as friends normally do, they don’t even exchange lovely words, nor go out to eat together. They don’t touch each other. Jaehyun’s things are still strictly separated from Taeyong’s. But Taeyong seems to search for him, even to silently check at what he’s doing. He’s become part of the older’s scheme of _“things to control”_ and he’s somehow grateful for that. He likes having a silent enigma next to him, he makes him feel less hopeless.

 

-What are you thinking to? –

 

Jaehyun is surprised by that question, and smiles bitterly.

 

-I’m repeating algorithms in my mind. To see if there’s something I’ve missed. Something that could let him live till dawn. I’ve always been good at memorizing algorithms. -

 

Taeyong smiles, shaking his head.

 

-There’s no algorithm to fight this, you know. You should get used to it. –

 

-I know. - Jaehyun’s voice is shaking.

 

They stay silent for a while, the monitor’s sounds perceived even more loudly than what they are in reality.

 

-The first person that died in front of me, as a resident, was a woman.42 years old, a mother to two children. She had acute pancreatitis and we couldn’t even start thinking about surgery that she died. I hated her in that moment, because she left on me the burden to face her family and tell them she was dead. –

 

Saturation goes a bit lower, heart rate rises, blood pressure falls. Algorithms keep racing in Jaehyun’s mind. He’s studied years and years just to emptily repeat procedures in his mind.

 

-Did you get used to it? To the point of not caring? –

 

Taeyong breathes in deeply as the monitor starts sending off alarm signs to someone who is already there. Jaehyun’s mind is still filled with algorithms. Till the end. Blood pressure falls rapidly, Mr Park’s breaths are shallow and erratic.

 

-You never stop caring. You just get used to the burden. It always hurts a bit. –

 

Jaehyun’s shaking.

 

-We’re witnessing a whole life ending. And I wonder what he did in life. Who he loved. Which are his dearest memories. They’re all vanishing. –

 

Taeyong’s doesn’t answer. He just sees the blood pressure falling down for one last time.

Saturation drops.

Heart rate slows.

EKG waves flatten.

The monitor sends one last signal.

And Jaehyun shakes a bit more.

 

Taeyong leans his hand towards Jaehyun, slowly, carefully. He’s afraid of doing it, and has to fight against himself to accomplish it. He finally puts his hand against his shoulder in a comforting gesture, caressing them, easing the weight of responsibility. Jaehyun is surprised by that touch, but thankful. It makes him feel less alone.

 

-Jaehyun, don’t forget the last part of the algorithm. –

 

Jaehyun stares at the clock in front of them, breathing in deeply before grabbing the medical record.

 

-Time of death 3:18 am.-

 

When he’s done writing he knows he should get up and talk to the nurses, he should write down an appropriate report, he should prepare a speech for Mr Park’s relatives. But before that he leans his head against Taeyong’s shoulder, finding comfort in the bony consistence of the other’s body. Taeyong stiffens, but doesn’t move. He just stares at Jaehyun’s black hair spreading on his scrub, the scent of his shampoo filling his nostrils. He tries not to shake too much, to fight back the urge to break the contact and just follow the part of him that loves the touch of other’s skin on his own body.

Taeyong is made of continuous internal fights.

They’re not friends, but they’re not strangers either.

____________________________________________________________________________________

 

He’s no stranger to the sensation of waking up in between Ten’s arms, but it feels different this time. Maybe because he had silently cried the whole night, maybe because of what he had just discovered, maybe because he slept so little due to the feeling of being useless while his daughter is suffering in a hospital bed. He leans his chin on Ten’s shoulder, admiring his sleeping face: his features are never this relaxed during the day, he looks innocent and pure. His chest moves regularly as he dreams of who-knows-what, and Johnny finds it adorable. He lets a smile form on his face as the sunlight hits that moment, gifting it with a calm and warm atmosphere.

He stares at him for a while before Ten starts moving, waking up slowly. His black eyes open to stare immediately at him, who is still laying on his shoulder. Ten smiles, his face still sleepy and words slurred as they’re pronounced.

 

-Good morning. -

 

-Morning. - he answers.

He had feared this moment, the moment of actual confrontation, he had simply wished the night would last forever.

This is how cowards act.

 

 

Hansol is already off to work, but Ten is home till lunch time. He can rarely admire him so calm, so relaxed, even though he knows thoughts keep streaming in his mind. He sips the coffee silently as Ten munches at a salad. They keep quiet, till Ten decides they can’t wait anymore.

 

-Is it true? What newspapers say about you? –

 

Johnny keeps quiet for a while, thinking of an appropriate answer. He takes another sip, staring at Ten’s eyes: there’s no judgment in them, just curiosity. Like those of a child, a mischievous, dangerous child.

 

-What do you think? –

 

-You’ve always kept the truth away from me, and this has been evident since day 1. But I don’t know if what you hide is the same thing everyone knows. –

 

Johnny keeps hiding in silence, and it’s not because he doesn’t know what to say. It’s just that saying it out loud brings him back to painful memories, to moments he tried so hard to forget and leave behind.

 

-It’s not easy. –

 

Ten stiffens, his stare more demanding now and Johnny wonders where the kid has gone.

 

-Tell me who you are, Johnny. I’m tired of playing. –

 

He takes a deep breath, so deep his chest hurts. It’s nothing like the pain he feels in his soul. His voice comes out shaking, but he starts talking for a long time.

 

-I’m Johnny Seo, born in Chicago. My family is not rich, but they’ve always done their best to guarantee me a good education, and I didn’t fail them. Not even once. I studied hard so that I could enter a top University, I’ve always been ambitious. Really ambitious. –

 

Ten stares at him, the salad forgotten in his plate. He feels guilty for one moment: he’s never actually been a good student, not at high school at least, but his parents always paid for the best schools anyway. Johnny’s not lying this time, he can tell from his tone, from the look in his eyes, from how weak he looks.

 

-At College I met Taeil, a Korean student. He was so different from me and something immediately clicked between us. He was so different from the average Economy students, I swear…I wondered day and night how he could survive there. Then, I came to know about his family here in Korea, and everything was pretty clear. It was the perfect to occasion to have both the person I love and the career I wanted with me. But I couldn’t marry him, for obvious reasons. –

 

Ten smiles bitterly, torturing a tomato in his plate, without any intention to actually eat it.

 

-So marrying his cousin was easier. -

 

Johnny stares at Ten, nodding.  

 

-Exactly. The rest is more or less what you read, except that I don’t regret one thing of what I did, differently from what I’ve declared in Court. My father in law is an idiot, his business strategy is a failure and is going to be the end of the company, and that’s obvious in the eyes of everyone. But you know, once you prevent me from having access my family’s money due to an adultery charge, so that I can’t even afford a lawyer, it’s easy to make it look like I just wanted to take his place. So here I am, working at a grocery store for a miserable salary, unable to see my daughter due to an unfair sentence. –

 

Ten swallows, and it hurts. He has to stabilize his voice before talking.

 

-You’re her father. You should be able to see her no matter what you did. –

 

Johnny laughs, staring at the black coffee in his mug.

 

-Sentences are decided by the rich ones, in this cases, not by law. –

 

Ten has one last question, the most painful one. He knows he’ll break Johnny, but he needs to know, for some reason.

 

-Where’s Taeil now? –

 

Johnny stops for several moments, and Ten wonders if he’s still breathing or if he just stopped functioning. The atmosphere suddenly turns darker, and he’s afraid he’s asked too much, that he has crossed the line yet again. Johnny stands up, smashing his mug on the table and searching for his coat somewhere in the living room.

 

-He disappeared, and he could be dead, for all I care. -

 

That isn’t at all what Ten had expected so he widens his eyes while staring at Johnny who is putting on his coat, his eyes suddenly filled with rage.

 

\- I’m in this mess because he confessed our relationship, they had no real proofs otherwise! The last time I saw him he was in court, testifying against me and confirming all the charges, even the false ones. I bet the reward was enough money to live his life peacefully somewhere, while I’m here, almost homeless and too ashamed to go back to my family! –

 

He’s reached the front door, while Ten looks at him, still in his night pants and T-shirt. Johnny stares at him, breathing shallowly to try to calm down.

 

-Where are you going? –

 

-To visit my daughter, if you don’t mind. –

 

Ten doesn’t dare questioning his petty answer, he doesn’t dare asking a single more question. He just takes the keys of his cars and throws them to Johnny, who promptly catches them.

 

-Take my car, I’ll go by bus. I need to see someone. –

 

Johnny smiles, raising an eyebrow.

 

-Another fuckboy? Or another lover? –

 

-Not really. -

 

Ten tries his best not to be hurt by his tone and words, he knows it's anger that’s speaking for him.

 

_____________________________________________________________________________

 

Ten is waiting at the table, checking the time quite often. He’s been clear: “at midday, not one minute before, not one minute after”. He doesn’t want to be late for work, he has so many cases to handle before dinner, since he’s promised a date to Hansol. He’s already neglected him enough in the past days.

The person he was waiting for crosses the entrance door few minutes after, perfectly dressed in a black suit, the outfit completed by a golden Rolex and a fancy workbag. Ten wants to roll his eyes, but knowing who is dealing with he’ll prefer to optimize his time and avoid useless quarrelling.

The man reaches his table, sitting in front of him with a sigh.

 

-You look great. – Ten says. 

 

The man stares at his baggy blue sweater, his bare face and messy bag.

 

-You look terrible. I thought residency was paid well enough. –

 

He breathes in deeply, trying his best not to answer in a too-petty way. He just grins.

 

-It’s always a pleasure to meet you, Doyoung. And sorry if I actually work, you know. –

 

Doyoung rolls his big eyes, eyeing at the waiter.

 

-Not this again, Ten. We’ve been arguing about who works more since University. –

 

Ten smiles, he loves that about meeting Doyoung, even though their meetings always ended up with him having a bad headache. The waiter approaches them, and Doyoung orders one of the fancy plates on the menu. Ten smiles at the good looking waiter, who blushes in return.

 

-A vegetable sandwich, please. –

 

Doyoung raises an eyebrow as soon as the waiter goes away.

 

-They really don’t pay you at all. Oh, wait, you killed someone and were totally ruined by the insurance? You need me for that? –

 

Ten swears he’s about to choke him, but unfortunately he needs him alive, at least for the next months.

 

-No, I didn’t kill anyone. But, assuming you lawyers actually work and don’t just spend time at fancy places…-

 

Doyoung rolls his eyes.

 

-…I actually need you to take care of something. –

 

He grabs some papers from his bag, handing them to Doyoung.

 

-And I thought you missed me. –

 

-Oh shut up and read. -

 

Ten had complained about having a lawyer student as a friend since the first day he had met Doyoung. Yuta always told him he would’ve been useful one day, and he would’ve never thought that day would come. Not like this. Doyoung’s eyes widen as he reads, and his expression changes into a mixture of interest and worry.

When he’s done reading, he stares at Ten in complete disbelief.

 

-You’re mad, Chittaphon. -

 

Doyoung always called him by his true name when he wanted to speak seriously. Ten looks at him, begging him through his eyes.

 

-Doyoung, _please_. -

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hellooooooo sweethearts *O* 
> 
> Ok, I'm super late and I'm sorry but the past 3 weeks have been really busy for me, I barely had time for myself. To make you forgive me, this is a 19 PAGES chapter. I hope you like it <3 And that's not too boring. 
> 
> Finally we get to know the last two characters from NCT, from the hyung line at least. Let me tell you that I love Doyoung lmao.
> 
> Thank you for all the comments, kudos and bookmarks <3 
> 
> Heesyrax


	7. If it was just you and I

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Doyoung always challenges himself.  
> Johnny receives help and advice from someone.  
> Hansol and Ten need each other.  
> Taeyong and Yuta walk slowly, step by step, while Jaehyun rushes.  
> Johnny needs very good reasons. Or maybe not.

  
_Tick-Tock._

 

The big, elegant clock that hangs on his wall informs him it’s 11:30 pm. Doyoung keeps staring at the papers in front of him, trying to find a connection between all the information contained in them, trying to find a path to follow.He hasn’t told Ten he would do it, not yet, but he knows he will eventually take care of this case; first, because it’s Ten who’s asking. Second, because he’s never been intrigued by easy cases, he’s become a lawyer in order to always challenge himself.

To make possible what seemed impossible. In the end that’s what lead him and Ten to become friends despite the many differences between them.

Gongmyung enters the room, not surprised in finding his brother still at work; his costly suit is still tidy despite all the hours of work, but his tie is now forgotten somewhere in the office, his shirt unbuttoned down to the second button. His dark brown hair is ruffled by all the times he’s run his fingers through them, that’s something Doyoung does frequently when no client or co-worker is watching.

Gongmyung observes him with a smile on his face, getting closer.

 

-You should go home. –

 

Doyoung gives him a quick look, instinctively pulling the papers close to him, and it’s a clear message for this brother: “this case is _mine_ ”.

 

-I have to decide whether to actually take care of this. –

 

Gongmyung sits on Doyoung’s desk, earning a displeased look by his younger brother.

 

-What is it? -

 

Doyoung sighs, leaning back on his comfortable black chair, closing his eyes for a moment. He then gestures Gongmyung to take a look himself. Minutes pass before Gongmyung shrugs, not understanding what’s the big deal about it.

 

-It’s clearly an illegitimate decision by the Court. There’s nothing difficult about that, not for someone as skilled as you. -

 

Doyoung laughs, almost hysterically, before pointing his finger towards another paper.

 

-Read who we’re talking about. –

 

Gongmyung raises an eyebrow before taking another paper and reading. When he’s done, his expression has changed, and he stares at the brother with worry.

 

-Doyoung. You could ruin your career by dealing with these people, you know? -

 

Doyoung stands up, swallowing a painful lump before going towards the exit: he needs another coffee. None’s waiting for him at home, he can stay here a few more hours.

 

-I know. But I owe this to a friend. -

 

Gongmyung raises his voice, following his brother.

 

-And who’s going to pay for this case? Johnny Seo is ruined and we all know it! -

 

Doyoung stops in front of the entrance, before turning to stare at his brother. He understands Gongmyung worries, but whenever he considers refusing to work on that case his pride and Ten’s concerned face both come to disturb him.

 

-Gongmyung, I know what I’m doing. Stop worrying. –

 

He leaves his brother behind, and of the many questions that race in his mind, one is more loud than the others: “Why did Ten become so attached to that man?”

_________________________________________________________________________________________

Of the many things Yuta never thought he’d be dealing with today, one is certainly a man and a woman yelling in the middle of the Pediatric Surgery ward. He had been called there to check some kid with a bad scoliosis, but as soon as he steps inside the overly colored (too much, too fake for anyone to actually like it) ward, yells and screams are all that fill his ears. Distantly, he can hear a kid crying, so remotely it looks almost unimportant. Nurses and doctors both are trying to separate the couple, but they seem unstoppable.

He has to close his eyes for a moment in order to cope with the loud voices.

 

-You shouldn’t be here! I thought the social assistant had been clear, you can’t see her! -

 

The man points at the woman, his eyes expressing so much rage they almost look bloody behind the outer shell of tears. Whatever they are talking about, he looks like one step away from exploding.

 

-Fuck the social assistant, fuck the judge and most of all, fuck you! She is my daughter and she was sick, I should’ve been informed anyway. It’s my right. –

 

Yuta opens his eyes and he wish he hadn’t.

All the empathy he was starting to feel for the man vanishes in the exact moment he realizes who he is, and the memories of that night he had seen him with Ten start flashing vividly in his mind. He had broken a glass with his own hand, and the scars still tingled painfully, he was lucky that no nerve had been damaged in the process, since his hands are a key part of his work. He finds himself staring at him, his long hair, his soggy clothes, and he thinks he looks indeed pitiful.

The woman-who a nurse tried unsuccessfully to stop- had started trying to push him against the wall, and he does indeed step back, maybe because he’s too tired of fighting.

 

-You could’ve thought about how much you love your daughter before shaming me publicly. Now go away and don’t come back till the end of November. –

 

“He probably deserves it all. He should be kicked out in this exact moment”. Yuta thinks. It’s a pleasing thought, seeing that man whose name he doesn’t even know being humiliated.

 

Security service arrives, separating the couple immediately, while he his collecting his voice in order to yell back. He wonders if they ever did anything but yelling.

And in the middle of the appalling scene, a loud cry is heard. It’s not louder than the yells, but it cuts deeper, it finds its way in one’s soul, wrapping around the heart.

 

_-Dad. -_

 

The man stops, so does the woman. The whole ward stands still for one moment, observing how the rage on the man’s face suddenly turns into a desperate flow of tears.

 

-Let me in. Please. – he whispers, pleading.

 

She stays still, trying not to make one single move, choosing silence as her armor.

It’s the security guard who speaks first.

 

-I’m sorry sir, according to the court’s verdict I’m not allowed to let you in. -

 

None understands why Yuta has suddenly stepped in front of the man and the security guard, and nor does Yuta himself. He just found himself there, an involuntary reflex, or maybe just remotely voluntary. He hadn’t taken into account how difficult it would’ve been to directly face the man’s eyes staring at him in disbelief, knowing that the same memories that were flashing through his mind one moment ago are flashing in the man’s right now.

But the pain they’re feeling is very different.

 

-Let him in. The kid is calling for him, she needs reassurance, not family drama. We should do everything in order to calm her, so unless this man here is proven to be dangerous for the child, he should be able to see her. I will take responsibility for it. –

 

To say that Johnny is in complete disbelief would probably be an understatement.

 

 

 

Yuta’s outpatient room is fortunately quite open, and the early afternoon’s sunrays penetrate through the curtains, painting everything with a strange shade of orange. It’s warm on his skin, and he’s glad the cloud had left space to this beautiful day, so that even his smile to the patient he’s facing looks more genuine, brighter. He needs it, because his mind keeps wandering to the man he had surprisingly protected that morning. He keeps on seeing his eyes, his incredulous expression, they taunt him in his thoughts.

 

-Dr Nakamoto?-

 

-Yes? -

 

-I asked you when our next meeting will be. –

 

He blinks a couple of time while staring at the old man in front of him, as he had completely dissociated from his surroundings from one moment. It happened more frequently than it should’ve, but he still manages to smile as if nothing had happened.

 

-I’m sorry. Will the 13th of December do well? –

 

When he goes out just few minutes after to call the next patient, he’s surprised to find the man in front of him, just waiting for one moment to talk. His eyes are still swollen, but he looks calmer, much calmer and Yuta feels like he’s run out of empathy.

 

-Dr Nakamoto, I’d like to speak to you. –

 

-I’m sorry, I’m working. –

 

-I already checked, the patient scheduled at 3pm is not here yet, so I’d say we have plenty of time. –

 

He finds the man’s circumstantial smile extremely annoying, but he has to admit that was a smart move. He unkindly gestures him to come inside the room, leaning on the wall with an annoyed mannerism as the man steps in, closing the door behind his back. Yuta finds that whole situation extremely distressing.

 

-So what? –

 

-Thank you. –

 

Yuta stands still for a moment before erupting in a sarcastic smile.

 

-It has been a pleasure. –

 

He whishes the other would just go away and let him live, but he speaks again instead.

 

-Why did you do it? The last time we met you were a little bit…less kind.-

 

Yuta stands still for a long moment, his gaze fixed on Johnny, so that the latter starts thinking he’ll have another surge of rage. He can already see his desk being flipped, papers flying everywhere in the room, just like that night alcohol had splashed everywhere on their clothes.

 

It doesn’t happen.

A hint of a smile appears on Yuta’s face, highlighting his features in a sort of twisted way. It’s not a proper smile, but it’s not hateful.

 

-You don’t really ever get enough of doing Ten’s will, no matter how much you try to resist. –

 

Johnny shakes his head, confused, because he can’t just believe his ears. Yuta gets close, challenging again his stare, dark irises inside dark irises. Johnny feels like they’re not so different, somehow, that their eyes both have a missing spot reserved for a stolen light, for a forgotten joy. He looks down for one moment to notice Yuta’s been torturing a piece of paper inside the pocket of his white coat, evidently more nervous than he would’ve liked to show.

 

-What...? -

Yuta breaks the paper again and the little noise resonates between them.

 

-I don’t know who you are, and I honestly don’t give a damn about it. I just know Ten would’ve liked me to do it, and it’s stronger than I am. –

 

Johnny swallows, not really getting what Yuta’s saying. Or probably his mind is protecting itself with an invisible wall.

 

-Then, thank you I guess…I should go. –

 

He tries to run away from whatever Yuta is about to say, because he knows he won’t like any of it. He turns away to reach the door.

 

-Listen, whoever you are. I’ve seen how you look at Ten and let me tell you just one thing. He’s not able to love, no matter how much good he does to you, he’ll just break you in one million pieces. –

 

Johnny is forced to turn back to face him with pain painted on his face. He just pretends he hasn’t heard those words from Ten’s mouth itself before.

 

-I don’t know what you’re talking about. He’s kind to me, and we don’t have anything serious going on. –

 

Yuta laughs, and Johnny feels the blood in his veins freezing.

 

-He is kind, he is sweet, he is lovely. Don’t act like you know him more than I do. But you’ll soon notice he’ll make you do whatever he wants you to do, till you’ll be no more than a puppet in his hands. When you’ll wake up you’ll realize you have no special place in his heart, you’re just on the same level of any other “love”. Because there’s just no love in Ten’s heart, you just serve him good. You’re just like one of those pills he’s dependent on, a packet to open and close whenever he decides, and you’ll plead him to stop treating you like that. –

 

Johnny feels something inside him breaking, his insides twitching painfully, he’s nauseated.

-Stop. -

 

Yuta smiles again, and there he sees it again, the rage: it was just hidden, like fire under the ashes.

He doesn’t flip tables, he just makes every inch of Johnny’s mind break as he tries to think at all the time he spent with Ten.

 

-It has happened to you too, hasn’t it? He did just show up when he needed you, just to disappear for days, am I right? He did call you in the middle of the night and make you listen to his pointless rants, stupid rants, because he never tells you one thing about his true self, didn’t he? –

 

Johnny remembers of when he noticed how Ten’s scent is able to fill all the spaces he goes to, may it be an elevator, his flat, a taxi. He’s _pervasive_.

 

-…and when you you’ll dare ask for more, you’ll realize how many other packets there are. –

 

Silence creeps in, and he’s not sure he really wants to know.

 

-And Hansol? You were with him as well, weren’t you? –

 

It’s a cruel question, just as cruel as that whole speech. One should’ve have the right to be deluded, blinded by love, attraction or whatever strange feelings he’s got for Ten.

Yuta’s grin dies, and his lips open for one moment, as if he didn’t expect Johnny to know about Hansol. He looks disappointed, as if he had planned to hurt Johnny more than he is actually doing.

 

-Hansol is the drug he can’t absolutely live without. Because Hansol is sweet, he’s too good for this world. And I mean it. He’s the only one who can bear with Ten. Even if he spent all his family money to repay Ten’s debts. –

 

Johnny widens his eyes, hoping that he’s misheard something.

 

-Hansol has nothing left because of Ten. And Ten has nothing left but Hansol. Go and be another wasted soul at the feet of that couple of psychos. -

 

Johnny doesn’t feel his legs anymore and the nausea is too much to bear. He’s had too much in the last two days, and he suddenly realize it’s been all about Ten.

Ten, Ten, Ten everywhere and the more he knows, the more he’s forced to think about him.

He just reaches for the door, but he stops just one moment before opening it.

 

-Do you still love them? –

 

Yuta stays silent for long, infinite seconds.

 

-I do. But I realized their love isn’t worth my whole existence. A friend made me realize it. –

 

Johnny walks away quickly from that room, and people glare at him. He throws up as soon as he reaches the bathroom, unable to see his reflection in the mirror.

Oh, how much he wishes Yuta would’ve just flipped his desk and broken a few of his bones.

It would’ve hurt less.

_____________________________________________________________________________________

 

Hansol’s always been the sweet side of love. Love comes to bits to Ten, it’s a compound feeling of wholeness, and he needs many pieces to complete the puzzle. Hansol is pretty much the core of it, the first pieces to be put together before starting to search for the others. He can’t even manage to imagine a life without knowing that, at some point, Hansol’s arms will come to embrace him and fill him with comfort. He’s not really passionate, he’s not dominant to him. But there are times he’s tired of challenges, and he just needs to be safe and sound. That’s when he needs to know Hansol will pick him up exactly at 8:30 pm after work, after he’s tried his best to look presentable.

Ten often looks into the mirror just to find some imperfections: dark circles, empty eyes, his hair looking more dry than usual, or that the signs of his age are starting to show up. He voices them out just because he knows Hansol will tell him he’s perfect, and that he is the most beautiful creature on earth. And his ego is boosted, his chest fills with pride.

He needs to talk with him about stupid things in front of a good dish at some restaurant, now and then.

He needs to fight with him about who has to pay.

He needs to laugh about the silliest things, just to feel Hansol’s eyes on his face while he’s telling some funny story he’s heard from a nutritionist that morning, to feel his fingers through his black hair.

He needs to go back home to feel Hansol’s lips on his, now and then.

He needs his arms to lift him up gently and lay him on the bed.

 

That’s what he’s doing.

Ten sinks his hand in the golden cascade of Hansol’s hair to pull him closer, moaning as he feels the other’s chest rubbing against his. Hansol quickly searches for his lips as Ten opens his legs for him to settle in between them, and he sucks more harshly on Ten’s lips as he feels his hardness pressing on the other’s. Hansol’s shyness has always lead him to make love into the darkness, even with the person he knows the most, and he has come to love the contrast between the pale moonlight and the bronzed reflection of the Ten’s skin. A ray hits on Ten’s chest, illuminating a strand of flesh, and Hansol promptly passes his tongue on the skin, marking it lightly with his teeth and he is pleased to hear his lover’s lustful moans. That piece of skin is untouched, and the darkness hides the other marks to him, marks he didn’t leave.

He knows they’re there, but he doesn’t really care, because there will always be a piece that’s just for him

 

-I love you. –

 

Ten’s whisper comes as a warm shower in the winter, and Hansol feels his heart melting as the other’s pants and boxers are forgotten on the floor, and there he is, naked, waiting for him. They stare into each other’s eyes for one moment. The light in Ten’s eyes distracts him, he loses himself in it as he lowers his mouth to search again for those lips.

 

-I love you too. - he whispers on them.

 

He moans seconds after when Ten closes his hand around his manhood, sinking his head in the curve of the other’s neck.

Ten smiles as he feels Hansol’s hands gently rubbing against his entrance, delicate and feverish at the same time.

He always feels somehow innocent in Hansol’s arms, and he loves it as much as he loves feeling tainted in Johnny’s.

Ten is none’s, he’s everyone’s.

He totally forgets about whose property he is when Hansol takes him, and his mind just goes blank.

 

 

 

It’s 4 am when he finds himself staring at Hansol’s sleeping figure. He should sleep, but he just can’t, and he knows he will regret it as soon as the alarm clock will start ringing.

Hansol sleeps peacefully, fortunately he doesn’t suffer from insomnia, he doesn’t suffer from all the bad things that curse Ten’s mind. He quietly sneaks out of bed, naked, to reach for his bag; there he finds one of the packets, and he slowly opens it, trying not to make any noise, because Hansol wouldn’t be happy about it. As he lets the bitter pill slide in his mouth and ruin Hansol’s sweet taste that still lingers on his tongue, he picks up his cell phone: he had totally forgotten it as soon as he’d gotten out from work.

 

No calls from Johnny, nor text messages. He frowns, Johnny had been calling or at least texting him everyday from 15 days now, but he doesn’t really worry about it, he must’ve been busy with Kathy. He himself used to disappear every now and then, before they started that kind of routine.

 

There’s one text message from Doyoung. He opens it quickly, and his heart beats for no apparent reason as he does so.

 

_“I’ll take care about your case. It won’t be cheap, I’m warning you. Tell Johnny to show up at my office Friday at 6 pm.”_

 

He grins, he knew Doyoung would never let him down. Most of all, because Doyoung isn’t able to let go of a challenge.

 

He goes back to the bed, and Hansol moves lightly as he does so, but he doesn’t wake up. Ten smiles while curling next to him, leaning slowly his head on his arm, inhaling his scent. His sweet scent. He whishes he would be able to love only Hansol, that he would be able to build a future like everyone else.

A future his parents would finally approve. But he’s not like everyone else.

That’s the last thing he thinks about before the drugs lead him into sleep.

___________________________________________________________________________________________________

Yuta curses as he opens the shower box and the cold air hits him mercilessly; he’s surrounded by a cloud of steam as he searches for his bathrobe, wearing it almost immediately. He loses time in front of the mirror, he’s allowed to do it because it’s his free morning, since he has a night shift this night.

So does Taeyong. Having a secretary responsible for the residents shifts who fancies you has its perks.

He passes his hand on the clouded mirror, letting his image come into focus on the reflecting surface. He finds himself observing the contour of his face, the outline of the bones, the curve of his lips. Nothing changed compared to yesterday, but he can tell something is different compared to the previous images.

He’s 28, after all, and the round, almost childish face he could boast about when he was a student is no longer there. Nor is the smile that so easily radiated to his eyes, but he’s still satisfied with his looks, in the end.

His mind goes back to the conversation he had with Ten’s new fuckboy, and to the conversation he later had with his mother.

She is worried about him not having records of love stories, not official ones at least. How could he? For practical reasons, everyone knew that Hansol and Ten were together, and he was just “the other one”. For years everyone was convinced he was involved in a bad case of unrequired love, but he never cared about rumors, because he knew the truth, he had a proof of it as soon as he walked home after work.

 

He’s still recovering. He wonders how much this convalescence will take.

 

He wonders If he’ll ever be healed, if he’ll ever be able to go back to Japan and boast about someone next to him. He starts dreaming of his mother’s happy face, of his father’s proud look. Sometimes he still thinks about how his children would look. He stops fantasizing as soon as he realizes he’s imagining Ten smiling next to him, holding his hand. He spots Hansol as well, in that fantasy, touching his shoulder.

He smiles bitterly: he’s definitely still recovering.

 

  
-You should stop fantasizing in front of the mirror. –

 

Yuta smiles at Taeyong, it’s strained, but still genuine. He hadn’t heard him entering.

 

-You should stop entering the bathroom when I’m still in. Why aren’t you freaking out? Look, I’m touching the sink you cleaned before. –

 

Taeyong moves closer, smiling, and the ridges on his face become evident. He’s the one who’s aging faster, owing to the bad diet, the poor sleeping habits, the crazy amount of work and worries he loads himself with due to his disorder. But it hasn’t diminished his beauty at all, it has possibly increased it, gifting him with a wiser aura that made everyone in the hospital turn to look at him in admiration.

He’s attractive, Yuta has to admit it.

 

-You know I’ll just solve it by cleaning it again. And again. And again. –

 

He closes the door behind him. Yuta swallows.

 

-Jaehyun? –

 

Taeyong smiles thinking about Jaehyun, and it’s a positive sign. He’s getting affectionate with the new flat mate, and it had never happened before with anyone but Yuta. Renting another room in the house was a good idea, after all.

 

\- I’m guessing he’s already out for work. He doesn’t like being late. –

 

Yuta nods before breathing in and out, not realizing how much the bathrobe had opened on his chest, revealing a generous amount of skin. Taeyong steals quick glances to it, before moving closer to Yuta, placing his hands on the other’s shoulders. They’re shaking, the veins on their surface making them appear somehow unhealthy, so that one would never guess what wonders those hands could do while operating.

Yuta smiles at him through the mirror, it’s incredible how much progress Taeyong had done with him: three years ago he wasn’t even able to touch him without freaking out. He’s proud of it, having been the only one to break Taeyong’s walls. Not completely, he’s realistic enough to know he will never get rid of the disorder, nor he will ever be an open person.But, little by little, they’ve been establishing an equilibrium, and just being able to feel Taeyong’s touch or knowing his secrets was a lot.

Secrets like the fact that Taeyong’s never had sex, nor he has had a girlfriend or boyfriend.

It had been funny when they had discovered one had none and the other had too many boyfriends.

 

-What were you thinking about? –

 

Yuta breathes in, he doesn’t want to be fully sincere about it, but he can’t lie completely, not when Taeyong’s eyes are scrutinizing him through the mirror.

 

-Home. I’ve spoken with my mother yesterday. So I thought about my life. –

 

Taeyong nods, and he doesn’t need to know more, mostly because he knows most of it. Yuta’s shared his worries.

 

-So you started thinking about Ten again. –

 

Yuta sighs, nodding, and he feels Taeyong’s hold on his shoulder tightening, and a shiver runs down his spine. Taeyong understands him, he knows what is like to always think about things you wouldn’t want to think about, but not being able to resist it. He’s lived with it all his life.

Silence falls, and it keeps on staying there when Yuta turns around to stare at him in the eyes.

Taeyong’s lips are parted, as if he was about to say something. He does, eventually, while holding his piercing gaze on Yuta’s features.

 

-Sometimes…sometimes I imagine you and I. Normally, with no problems, no fears, no obsessions. Just you and I. –

 

Yuta smiles, but deep inside he’s hurting, because he knows what Taeyong is trying to tell him. It could be just the two of them.

 

-It’s a beautiful image. -

 

Yuta’s smile is so beautiful.

Taeyong doesn’t really know what he’s doing as he gently presses his lips on Yuta’s. He just knows he loves their soft consistency, and he’s shaking while Yuta is caressing his arm. It’s one moment of equilibrium, all forces are null, it’s just static and beautiful, and his mind is blank.

It doesn’t last long, because an obsession claims his mind again, and he thinks he’s crossed the boundaries, he thinks about germs and contamination, and he has to pull away.

He starts crying while pressing his hand on his mouth, and Yuta pulls him closer on his naked chest. He’s learnt not to be hurt by Taeyong’s gesture to rub harshly where he has touched, he feels privileged just by being able to hold him close.

When Taeyong’s done scrubbing his lips, making them swollen and red, he looks at Yuta, blushing slightly, in a way none would’ve recognized in him Taeyong the surgeon.

 

-I liked it. It’s not as bad as I thought. –

 

Yuta laughs, nodding.

 

-No, it isn’t. –

 

They could make it, one step after the other. He’s just afraid their lives run faster than they do

 

 

 

They don’t hear the front door closing, nor they hear Jaehyun racing down the stairs with his heart throbbing in his chest. He makes a mental note to never be late again for work on Tuesday mornings, in order to avoid heart breaks.

____________________________________________________________________________________

Johnny hasn’t called in three days.

 

Nor he answers to his calls or text messages, and Ten is slowly drifting into a depressed state. He’s almost run out of antidepressants, and he has to monitor the dosage because he’s already overdosed once, and he doesn’t want to do it again. But it’s not easy, it isn’t when he’s invested so much into him, when he’s gotten used to hold him everyday, to play with him, to talk to him.

He doesn’t understand why he would act like this, since he seemed fine the morning after he’d discovered about Hansol.

He just doesn’t get it.

 

He makes several mistakes during Thursday’s surgeries, to the point that Dr Kang just tells him to leave the operating room because he’s endangering the children. The voice spreads and he’s surrounded by whispers, and Taeyong’s satisfied grin doesn’t help. He’s ashamed, he feels humiliated.

 

Hansol is working crazily in the ER, he can’t bother him, that’s what he thinks while throwing up his lunch in the bathroom, removing his surgical cap to let his sweaty forehead breathe.

So, he has two solutions: either ingesting one whole pack of pills (but he knows they’ll find him and they’ll bring him to the ER before he can even arrest) or going to Johnny’s house.

He decides for the latter one.

 

 

At first Johnny tries to resist the urge to open his door and just hold Ten close, fucking him mercilessly on the wall, and all those things he’s missing. But Ten has never given up easily on something, so he just keeps ringing his door bell till Johnny opens it, almost twenty minutes later.

Johnny widens his eyes as soon as he sees Ten’s face, he’s almost terrifying, with darker than ever circles and and looking overall emaciated. Not that Johnny looks at his best, with messy hair and his dirty, full of empty beer bottles, house at display behind him.

 

-Ten, what the hell have you done…-

 

Ten starts hissing immediately, blood injected in his eyes.

 

-You’ve done this! What the hell were you thinking, disappearing like this for days! Not even answering my calls! -

 

Johnny sighs.

 

-Get in. –

 

 

 

Ten still looks incredibly ill even when sitting in his kitchen with a mug filled with hot chocolate in his hands and Johnny’s warmest blanket on his shoulders, but at least his cheeks have regained a pink shade. Johnny is terrified by the effect he had on Ten with just three days of absence. Somehow pleased, but still terrified.

 

-So? – Ten says.

 

Johnny had tried to follow Yuta’s advice. It hadn’t done him any good, he had just finished his beer and pills storage, while keeping on craving for Ten’s presence. It’s a bad case of withdrawal syndrome.

He knows he’ll hurt Ten by telling him the truth.

 

-I spoke with Yuta. I met him the day I went to see Katherine. –

 

Ten’s eyes widen and get immediately sadder, then focusing on the steam that comes from the mug in his hands. Johnny bites his lips.

 

-Oh, I…I see. –

 

-I knew most of it, or I had at least imagined it…it’s just that… -

 

Ten stops him, breathing in and out shallowly.

 

-I know what he told you…Johnny. I won’t pretend it’s not true. It’s just that…please consider it from another point of view. Not just his, or better…Lee Taeyong’s. –

 

His voice is disgusted as he pronounces that name, and Johnny decides he’s already had enough without adding another one to the picture. He nods.

 

-I thought that Taeil made me suffer enough. I don’t want to be like Yuta. –

 

Ten places a hand on his’, and that contact burns.

 

-Yuta became obsessed with me, it was different. –

 

Johnny lets himself drown in his eyes, and he realizes how much he had missed just the simple things like staring into his irises.

 

-What about Hansol’s money? –

 

Ten stiffens, he clearly hadn’t expected Yuta to speak about that matter. He lowers his head, blushing out of shame. Johnny’s never seen him looking so miserable, and it makes his heart ache. Ten’s voice comes out feeble, barely resembling an adult’s one.

 

-Johnny…I don’t want to talk about it. –

 

Pain permeates through every word, probably due to the lump that had formed in his throat.

Johnny feels cold fingers intertwining with his, and a shiver runs in his spine.

 

-...I’ll talk to you about it, I promise. If you’re thinking I’m a thief or someone who uses people to get their money, you’re wrong. They’re all wrong, because that’s what everyone thinks. A bitch who uses men for money. –

 

Johnny is silent, he doesn’t know what to say, he keeps staring into the other’s eyes, now filled with tears. He starts thinking there’s no end to Ten’s secrets. He’s so dangerous and unreliable, but that’s something he’s known for a while, something that’s written in his breathtaking eyes.

 

-I haven’t much money left anyway. –

 

They start laughing, and it looks normal for a while, it looks easy.

Then Ten stands up, kneeling in front of Johnny and resting his chin on his thigh, caressing it with his hand, submissive and pleading as he’s never been. Johnny’s smile dies on his face as he hears the feeble voice again.

 

-Please don’t leave me, Johnny. –

 

Johnny crumbles in one million pieces, and Yuta’s voice, the voice of safety starts speaking into his mind _“Ten is manipulative”._

He has to collect all his willpower in order not to just hug Ten and tell him he’ll never leave him.

 

-Give me a good reason not to go, apart from being intoxicated by your kisses, dependent on fucking with you, in love with your company in general? –

 

Ten smiles, relieved by knowing he’s already won. He stands up, much to Johnny’s disbelief, and reaches for his bag. There he finds his red notebook.

He goes to the last page, scribbling an address and handing it to Johnny, who doesn’t fail to notice that the last pages were just confused work notes surrounded by a multitude of “I miss Johnny” “Where’s Johnny” “I need him” “I’ll just end it if he doesn’t answer my calls”.

He stares at the address, trying to find answers in Ten’s face.

 

-What is it? –

 

-Kim Doyoung’s address, he’s one of the best lawyers in Seoul, and he happens to be my friend. He’s accepted my request to follow your case, and if he does so it’s because he thinks there’s a possibility to win. To let you be Kathy’s father again. He’s quite expensive, but fortunately my salary isn’t low at all. Your appointment is tomorrow at 6pm. –

 

Johnny thinks he’s about to cry his soul out of his eyes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Helloooo everyone! IM SO SO SO SO SO SO SORRY FOR THE DELAY OMG ç__________ç 
> 
> I've tried to write this chapter multiple times but I've always been blocked by something, mostly because I've had some personal issues and I have exams for the next four months basically, so yeah. Fortunately, I use writing as a stress-relieving factor. 
> 
> To make you forgive me, this one it's 22 PAGES long.
> 
> Thank you again for the comments, likes and kudos <3 
> 
> Hope you will like this chapter! 
> 
> Heesyrax


	8. What if I dare to...?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Johnny, Doyoung, Yuta, Jaehyun and Hansol all decide to dare.  
> Each one for different reasons.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone! At the end of the chapter, other than the usual notes, there's a little explanation about Ten's and Taeyong's personalities :D since a lot of people were confused by these characters.

Johnny feels uncomfortable in Doyoung’s office, for a variety of reasons. The office reminds him of the one he used to work in, the one he had personally chosen the furniture for, the one in which he played with insane amounts of money as if they were nothing, the one in which Taeil often visited him with the excuse of letting him see something work-related. Second, he already knew Doyoung. Or better, he had seen him a couple of times at fancy events and charity dinners, all of those things he absolutely hated, but for which he would nonetheless put a fake smile on while resting his arm on his wife’s shoulder.

He never thought he’d actually miss all of that.

He stares intensely into Doyoung’s eyes, and he’s glad the other doesn’t mention the times they’ve already seen each other, it would’ve just make things even more uncomfortable.He’s visibly nervous while sitting on the chair, dressed with the only good suit he had left. He would’ve already sold that one as well, hadn’t it been for Ten.

 

-So, may I call you Johnny? I may need to ask you a couple of…personal question. So it’d be easy if we could just drop formalities. -

 

-Yes, please. -

 

Doyoung smiles briefly, before displaying different papers in front of him.

 

-Before we go ahead, I have to know what I’m working with. -

 

Johnny swallows, now suddenly more nervous at the other’s serious gaze.

 

-…reality can be twisted, and what is true can become false, if the other part doesn’t have enough proof of the contrary. But I need to know exactly what is the truth, because I need no unexpected things in this process. So, please answer sincerely to questions I’m going to ask. -

 

Johnny breathes in, his eyes barely able to meet Doyoung’s. He takes off his jacket, trying to make himself more comfortable in the big chair.

 

-Go ahead. – he says.

 

Doyoung keeps looking at him while asking the first question, and his eyes keep repeating the same message all over again. “don’t lie”.

 

-They accused you of adultery due to an alleged relationship with Moon Taeil. And they proved it to be true due to some witnesses and Taeil’s own confession. Was it true? –

 

Johnny stays silent for a while; it’s like living a nightmare all over again. He just wants to run away, accept his life the way it had become, without torturing himself any longer. Yet, two things glue him to that chair: the thought of being able to be a father again…and Ten. Doyoung waits patiently for his answer.

 

-Yes, we did have a relationship. But there’s no way the witnesses would know what they stated. And Taeil…I believe he got quite a lot of money for what he did. –

 

Doyoung scribbles something on one of the papers, impassible.

 

-Do you know who could’ve been the responsible? –

 

Johnny talks automatically, while memories keep flashing in his head. Unpleasant ones.

 

-My father in law, my ex-wife’s current husband…all of those who didn’t like my policy in the company. -

 

Doyoung nods, moving slightly in his chair as thoughts kept racing in his mind. He has already a few ideas, strategies shaping in front of his eyes.

 

-This leads to my second question. -

 

He stares deeply into Johnny’s eyes.

 

-You were accused of conspiracy, that your wish was to remove your father in law as the CEO of the company, and that you worked in order to nullify all of his decisions, waiting for the moment to take over his place. –

 

Johnny holds fiercely the armrests of the comfortable chair, squeezing till his knuckles become white. Doyoung notices that, and breathes deeply.

 

-I’m just trying to understand, Johnny. –

 

-The old man is condemning the company to the bankruptcy with his stupid, short sighted decisions. I did what I did for the company, he can keep his fancy chair, for all that I care. I just wanted better decisions for the company. -

 

Doyoung sighs, and suddenly pushes two set of papers closer to Johnny, suddenly standing up and starting to walk around. It’s something he does whenever he’s explaining something. Johnny keeps moving his stare from the papers to Doyoung.

 

-We have two choices. Or better, two paths to follow. -

 

Johnny raises an eyebrow.

 

-The easy one: we just claim that the court’s decision to completely prevent you from seeing your daughter is illegitimate. It is, I’ve studied all the cases I could, no case of adultery brought to a similar decision since 1987. Also, the amount of money they requested you to pay was too high. -

 

Johnny nods, already liking what he’s hearing.

 

-Chances of winning? - he asks

 

Doyoung stops to think for a moment, before answering.

 

-85%. –

 

Johnny stares at him, before looking at the two papers again. The thought of being able to hug his daughter again makes his heart beat faster.

He looks at Doyoung again.

 

-And the difficult one? –

 

Doyoung smiles, albeit bitterly.

 

-We accuse them in return. We accuse them of having conspired against you and having corrupted the witnesses, Taeil included. We try to find proof of money transfers, we try to find other witnesses, we ask to check their phone calls. If we find proof, then it’s done. -

 

Johnny starts laughing, almost hysterically. Accusing them? They’d strike back harder, and he’s not sure he’ll be able to handle another blow.

 

-You don’t know them. –

 

-Oh, I do. -

 

The other man looks at Doyoung seriously, a drop of sweat running on his forehead.

 

-Chances of winning? -

 

-Slim.-

 

Johnny breathes out.

 

-What if we lose? –

 

It’s Doyoung’s turn to laugh. The clock ticks, filling the silence that follows.

 

-We’re ruined. Both me and you. And Ten, because someone will have to pay for that. –

 

Johnny smiles again, bitterly, nervously.

 

-Then it’s his decision as well. What do you think it’s the best path? –

 

Doyoung shrugs, a hint of a smile forming on his face.

 

-Hasn’t Ten told you I don’t like easy games? –

_____________________________________________________________

 

Jaehyun is silent when he gets out of the house in the morning to head to work.

To be precise, he’s been silent for the past 3 days, speaking just when he was forced to, or when doctors asked him questions –difficult ones- and he, as he always did, answered with great precision.Everyone in Internal Medicine knows he is smart and brilliant, and it doesn’t come as a surprise when he detects a subtle abnormality in an ECG, even suggesting a diagnosis. What comes as a surprise to his colleagues is the lack of the satisfied smile that usually follows, the bright aura he usually delivers, gifting him with a sense of gentle superiority. He just puts the squared paper aside, scribbling something on the clinical record. That’s when his colleagues realize they don’t know even one single bit about Jaehyun’s life, apart of his outer shell of perfection.

 

Taeyong had noticed the strange silence, but he had been to busy to actually do something, since the amount of work required him to stay in the hospital even more than he was ought to. He had tried to make Jaehyun’s breakfast, but the other had just declined with an impassible face, saying that he was in a rush. Taeyong’s obsession extends not only to his own schedule, but also to his friends’, so that he knew perfectly that Jaehyun’s shift begun in the afternoon, that day. He started obsessing about it, and he was glad he had his job to keep his mind occupied, even though Jaehyun’s face from that morning kept creeping in his thoughts, and anxiety started to choke him. He just avoided it by thinking he can stitch two vessels even more precisely than he’s used to.

 

If there’s someone Jaehyun had never fooled with his aura of perfection, that one is Yuta. It was a lesson he had learnt from his grandma, that perfect things often brought with them bitter surprises. He often thinks he should’ve listened to her before putting his heart in Ten’s hands, for him to squeeze it mercilessly. So he had always wondered what was beyond the outer layer of smiles, smartness and kindness that Jaehyun presented to the rest of the world.

When he notices the strange silence in the other, he thinks he may finally have a chance to discover it. He’s even more pleased when he notices Jaehyun’s stare directed at him, sometimes so intense that it could pierce through his skin, just to be diverted as soon as Yuta meets his eyes. It’s not that Yuta isn’t used to have all the eyes on him, but that stare is nothing like lust, admiration, or not even close the judgmental stares he had to bear when his relationship with Ten became sadly famous.

Jaehyun was studying him. Studying like a predator does with his prey to understand what are its weakest points, before striking.

 

When Yuta notices Jaehyun eating alone at the cafeteria, he decides he’s got the perfect occasion to have a little bit of fun. He sits close to him with a smile, taking Jaehyun aback.

 

-Hey Jaehyun! Mind if I sit here? -

 

Jaehyun is surprised, since he and Yuta never actually spoke to each other –despite being flatmates- if Taeyong wasn’t around. But, after a while, a smile forms on his face anyway, a beautiful smile highlighting the dimple on his cheek, the perfectly carved outline of his face.

 

-You shouldn’t even ask. -

 

Yuta smiles back, immediately starting to munch at a sandwich, as if he hadn’t got something in mind.

 

-How is it going? -

 

Jaehyun nods, and Yuta notices the way he munches at his food too strongly, almost with rage, his eyes filled with repressed feelings. He can recognize them because he knows what it means to try to suppress anger, except that he’s not as good as Jaehyun in doing so.

 

-Fine, and you? –

 

Yuta swallows a big munch of sandwich before smiling, so purely one would never guess he’s playing some sort of game. None, but Jaehyun, who’s stiffening more and more each second that passes.

 

-Perfectly, apart from one thing…-

 

Jaehyun raises an eyebrow, drinking quickly from his glass.

 

-What, If I may ask? -

 

Yuta smiles again,

 

-You. -

 

Jaehyun stands still for one second, incredulous, before his stare gets suddenly colder, almost threatening. Yuta stares back at him, a light dancing in his eyes, because he surely enjoys games.

 

-Me? - Jaehyun’s tone is slightly higher than normal.

 

-Yes, you. You keep staring at me as if you wished my head would explode the next second. At home, when we meet in the corridors…even before when I was ordering my sandwich, you were staring. Either you have a very strange way to fancy people or…-

 

Jaehyun takes a breath, he didn’t expect Yuta to notice, nor to speak so directly about it. He tries his best to collect himself and smile back at Yuta- resisting the urge to punch him right in the face.

 

-Don’t worry, I do not fancy you. -

 

-Pity. -

 

They both start laughing, but Jaehyun’s laughter is a nervous one as he’s still thinking about what to say.

 

-I’m trying to understand you, I guess. -

Yuta puts in his mouth another bit of the sandwich, not moving his eyes from Jaehyun, not even one second.

 

-Why? -

 

Jaehyun falls silent, swallowing nervously. He’s sweating under his scrubs.

 

-None of your business. -

 

Yuta’s smile falls from his lips: he’s actually disappointed, he hoped Jaehyun would be a little more fun while playing. He reciprocates the coldness, getting closer as he speaks.

 

-Oh yes, it is my business, Jaehyun. I’ve had enough of people staring at me as I am some kind of mysterious creature. We live together, either that we like it or not, and I need to know if you got a problem. -

 

Jaehyun looks at him, then at the people surrounding them. None is paying attention to them, too busy with senseless chatting about work and other people’s lives. So he decides that if Yuta wants the truth, he may just as well have it.

 

-I want to understand what’s so special about you. How could Taeyong fall this hard for you. -

 

Yuta doesn’t know whether to smile because he had guessed everything right, or to cry because what Jaehyun just said is one of the many things that tortures him night and day. He opens his mouth to say something, just to fall silent again, his whole body embraced by Jaehyun’s magnetic stare. A while passes before he speaks.

 

-Did you find any answer? -

 

A hint of a smile paints on Jaehyun’s lips.

 

-Many, indeed. You’re good looking, sure. You’re brilliant, everyone talks about you as one of the best surgery residents. You’re kind and smart, you’ve got a good sense of humor, I must say. I still don’t get how he could risk his career for you, though. –

 

Yuta blushes at the unexpected compliments, even though the last sentence makes his gut clench painfully as bad memories resurface.

 

-They’re all wrong answers.-

 

Jaehyun widens his eyes, not expecting that answer. He’s not used to have someone telling him he gave the wrong answer. Yuta smiles bitterly, resting his chin on the palm of his hands.

 

-He loves me because I never judged him for his oddness. I never laughed at him for his compulsions, because I thought that it was worth knowing him. He loves me because at the first year suturing tutorials, I was curious about his precision and tried to learn from him, I wasn’t envious of him. He loves me because I don’t mind being one of his obsessions. I don’t know if this is worth all he went through for defending me, all he keeps enduring because of my stupidity. -

 

Jaehyun is speechless, his food completely abandoned in his plate. He keeps staring at Yuta as if he was some sort of alien.

 

-I don’t know what do do with him. -

 

He admits, finally, with a small voice. It’s hard, for him, admitting not knowing what to do.

 

-Nor did I. And still I don’t know, for the most part. He’s like a delicate porcelain doll, and you have to be careful around him, he’s easy to break. But he likes you, Jaehyun. He liked you since the very moment you took the risk to be our flatmate and being his friend. -

 

It’s Jaehyun’s turn to blush, and Yuta finds it oddly cute. Jaehyun isn’t the type of person he loves to have around, but he may be someone able to break Taeyong’s shell. Taeyong deserves someone better than him, who after all this time still can’t erase Ten from his mind.

 

-I don’t want to get in between you two. -

 

Yuta admires Jaehyun’s subtle way of confirming his suspicion that he’s in love with Taeyong. He had had that impression since when he had caught the other staring intensely at Taeyong who was blabbering about the insanely precise way he orders his closet by color, fabric of the clothes and other things he never actually understood.

 

-There’s nothing between me and him. Sometimes I wish there was, but there are still so many shells to break, so many...-

 

“people to forget”- he’d like to continue. He doesn’t, he just stays quiet for a while before speaking again.

 

-...someday we might decide we’re just meant for each other, till that day I’m fine with the relationship we have now. If you’re able to make him feel better than I did, have him. Just…-

 

Jaehyun’s eyes are wide open by now, his heart beating fast: he had got it all wrong, it seems, and is something he’s absolutely not used to.

He swallows, staring at Yuta.

 

-…Yes? -

 

Yuta lowers his stare, tormenting his hands, nervously.

 

-…If you ever were to win his heart, don’t take him away from me. As a friend. He’s all I have left. -

 

Jaehyun vigorously shakes his head.

 

-I could never. -

 

Yuta smiles again, before checking the time on his wristwatch.

 

-He’s in the OR right now, OR 7 probably. If the surgery goes on without any complication, he’ll be out by 4pm, and he’ll go straight to the General Surgery ward changing room. He loves to eat whenever he’s done with a surgery, and he particularly loves orange juice and biscuits, never buy him donuts or things like that, he hates fatty food. If you don’t have any question, I’ll see you at home this evening.-

 

Jaehyun doesn’t know what to say, immediately regretting every bad thought he had on Yuta, he regrets listening to all the bad rumors about him.

All he can manage to say is

 

-Thank you. -

___________________________________________________________________________

 

Johnny groans when Ten presses his thumbs on his shoulders, or better, on his painfully contracted shoulders. The smaller of the two then lets his thumbs slide on the tensed muscles, earning more displeased groans from his lover.

 

-Is this supposed to be a massage? -

 

Ten rolls back his eyes, pressing his chest against Johnny’s back and putting his own cheek against the other’s.

 

-It’s not my fault if your trapezius muscle is more tense than a baboon’s ass. -

 

-Did you massage a baboon’s ass? -

 

Ten slaps his cheek, earning a small yell and a laughter.

 

-Of course not. Come on, I’ll try to be more delicate. -

 

They’re naked in Ten’s bathtub, one large enough to fit both of them. Johnny is breathless whenever he turns to see Ten’s skin made brighter by the thin layer of water and soap, his wet hair attached to his perfectly drawn forehead, his cheeks red due to the steam. Ten tries to be less aggressive on Johnny’s muscles, letting his hands slide more softly on his body, from his back to his neck, then his arms. Soon Johnny loses himself in the relaxing touches, resting his head on Ten’s chest. The latter responds by kissing his cheek, smiling on his skin.

 

-You’re handsome. -

 

Johnny smiles, turning to steal a kiss, tasting Ten’s lips on his own. He can never get enough of those lips.

 

-You’re breathtaking. -

 

He answers, earning a shy smile from Ten. After all they’ve been through and witnessed, Ten could still appear to him as an innocent boy. He likes to forget there’s nothing innocent in Ten, from time to time.

He finds himself relaxing again on Ten’s body, slowly forgetting about the whole world, the strong scent of Ten’s favorite shower gel inebriating him. He had always loved that scent, now he knows where it comes from.

 

-When did things with Yuta start to change? -

 

Ten stiffens a bit against his body, and he swears he can feel the other’s heartbeat fastening through his small ribcage.

It’s a pact they’ve made: confessing each other something everyday, pieces of a lost past, regrets, happy memories. Their relationship is already unconventional enough, he wants at least to go beyond the lies. He wants to try to build up a picture of the man who so gently is sinking his fingers in his wet hair, caressing his scalp.

Johnny shivers, closing his eyes at the gentle motion.

 

-Two years ago, more or less. Everything went perfectly till I became a resident and he became Taeyong’s friend. -

 

He keeps on caressing Johnny’s hair, as if he was a child, someone to protect. His features are so relaxed as the steam surrounds them, making everything look surreal. Sometimes he wonders if the moments he spends with Johnny are real or are just a dream, an illusion of his mind. It’s just the terrible feeling of emptiness that followed when Johnny walked away that reminds that he’s very real, and ready to crash his heart.

 

-It’s not the first time you speak of Taeyong…who is he? -

 

-A General Surgery resident, he’s the same age as Yuta. When I became a resident and he…discovered our …peculiar relationship with Hansol, he started brainwashing Yuta. –

 

Johnny listens attentively, bringing his hand on Ten’s legs, caressing it softly as well. It’s a way of telling him “speak, I’m here to listen.”

 

-…He told him that it was impossible that I loved both of them, and that it was impossible that Yuta himself loved both of us. –

 

A voice in Johnny’s mind tells him that it is impossible as well, that if Ten really loves Hansol, there’s no true space for him in his heart. But here he is, resting against Ten’s body, embraced by his warmth. Ten keeps speaking, and his voice starts becoming shakier as he goes on, reminiscing. Johnny doesn’t like to hurt him, but he can’t keep loving an enigma. It’s intriguing, but he needs to know who’s slowly snatching away his sanity.

 

-…So Yuta…he started changing his view on things. He didn’t like when I hit on other people, and slowly pushed Hansol away. I could never forget the moment Hansol realized Yuta didn’t want him anymore, that he wanted only me. I tried to ignore it as much as possible…I was in denial. I didn’t understand how things could change like that. -

 

Ten’s voice sounds strained, and Johnny responds by leaving his comfortable position to turn around, putting his arms around Ten’s body. He feels his heart sinking when he notices Ten’s eyes are red, threatening to fill with tears any moment.

 

-You don’t need to go on if you don’t want to…-

 

Ten shakes his head, inspiring deeply.

 

-…After a while, he asked me to be his only. His boyfriend, and none else. Like normal people do. –

 

He giggles, it’s a sad giggle. Pathetic, almost, and he leans forward to rest his forehead on Johnny’s shoulder.

 

-I refused. Because I couldn’t leave Hansol, because I didn’t want to be only one person’s. I loved Yuta, but not the way he wanted me to. So he started becoming obsessive… -

 

Johnny can feel hot drops on his shoulder, confusing with the other drops, but he knows they’re Ten’s tears. He internally yells at himself, for always pushing the other to tears. It’s irrational, because it’s Ten himself who decided to tell the whole story, but he just can’t handle that view.

 

-…he moved out of our house, but he kept on calling me everyday or sending me delirious letters. He became scary…then, after we fought in front of everyone, the rumor spread. Everyone started believing I was betraying him, or that I fucked with half of the hospital. I couldn’t even work without people whispering behind my back, or even yelling “slut” at me. –

 

He shivers at the memory, and Johnny stays silent, caressing his head. He knows what it means to lose your dignity.

 

-…When I finally confronted him, one day, in front of everyone, telling him to stop...he reacted badly, almost having a mental breakdown. That’s when Taeyong thought that beating me was a great idea. –

 

He starts laughing, but there’s no joy in that laughter. Not even one bit. Johnny clenches his teeth, he doesn’t even know this Taeyong’s face and he hates him already. Just for the fact that he hurt Ten.

 

-He was stopped before he could even hurt me seriously, and he almost got fired...but the news spread. My parents came here and…it…I…they discovered the whole thing…. –

 

He puts a hand on Ten’s mouth, silencing him. Ten widens his eyes, which are filled with tears, and Johnny swears he is drowning even more than before. He feels breathless, and he barely manages to speak.

 

-Stop. You’ll continue this story some other day. I don’t like seeing you cry. –

 

Ten smiles against his hand, gently removing it from his own mouth, before putting his hand against Johnny’s cheek. He’s gentle, but firm. His tears- filled eyes are demanding as he stares at his lover.

 

-Tell me you think I’m not a slut. –

 

Johnny’s heart skips a beat and he forgets how to breathe for a moment. He doesn’t quite know what in this moment makes him realize one crucial thing. A truth he’s kept on denying for months. It curls around his throat, almost choking him, making his voice crack.

 

-I don’t know what you are, Ten. I just know that I love you. And it’s the most stupid thing I could possibly do. -

 

Ten stares at him in disbelief, drips of water keep on falling from his hair to his skin or into the water, creating some sort of melody as the background for that moment. It’s one long moment, eyes locked, breaths racing, nervousness squeezing their chests. Ten then searches for his lips, caressing his cheek tenderly, even though his hand shakes a bit.

 

-Yes…yes, it is, Johnny. – he whispers on his lips.

____________________________________________________

 

Taeyong’s back hurts, so do his shoulders. He feels as if someone had beaten him up without him noticing, but he knows it’s just the effect of his job. Standing up for hours and leaning on the patient, he knows it can only get worse. He should stop being so lazy and he should just follow Yuta’s advice to go to the gym. But the only thought of having to smell other people’s sweat makes him wanting to throw up. He stares at Sicheng who’s walking through the corridors with him, heading to the changing room.

 

-You should learn to listen to me when I speak during surgery. You just make my life impossible when you place the camera in the wrong position…-

 

Sicheng lowers his stare, swallowing. He’s getting used to Taeyong scolding him, and Taeyong observes his reaction with a serious face.

 

Soon, Taeyong starts smiling.

 

-…other than that, you did well. I’m proud of you. -

 

Sicheng immediately blinks in disbelief as he stares at Taeyong. It’s probably the first compliment he’s ever received from the elder.

 

-Thank you, hyung. I’ll work harder. –

 

Taeyong doesn’t answer to that, he just goes on to open the door of the changing room. He didn’t expect to find Jaehyun in there, who suddenly looks nervous when he sees the two of them. Sicheng smiles as soon as he sees his friend, and immediately leaves with the excuse of having to speak with the relatives of their patient. Jaehyun is thankful for that, he makes a mental note to buy ice cream for Sicheng later.

 

-Hi hyung. – Jaehyun says with a small smile.

 

Taeyong is taken aback, he was hurt by the other’s silence during last days, but he had decided not to tell him anything. He walks towards the other.

 

-Hi, Jaehyun…why are you here? –

 

The other blushes and immediately hands him a glass of orange juice and a small packet of biscuits. Taeyong widens his eyes.

 

-I knew you had a surgery and I thought you might be hungry…so I thought that bringing you something would be a good idea... –

 

Jaehyun is clearly shy, and it’s something you don’t see everyday, being him always confident. Taeyong takes the glass and the packet, staring at them and then at Jaehyun, who stares at him, waiting for a reaction. He’s relieved when he sees a smile forming on Taeyong’s thin lips, his beautiful lips.

 

-Thank you, Jaehyun. –

 

Jaehyun answers with a big smile, thanking Yuta in his mind.

 

-Want to eat these with me? I should have some tissues so that you can pick them up without touching mine…you can also drink the juice, but only one of us can use the straw. -

Everyone would have found that weird, and would’ve laughed at the elder. Jaehyun just nods, grateful.

 

He likes to challenge himself, and he’s sure he can win this one.

___________________________________________________________

 

Yuta thinks that, overall, his day went pretty well and nothing can ruin it now. It’s 5 pm, he has only three more hours to go, and unless something catastrophic happens, he’ll spend his evening watching a drama on the couch. He smiles while heading on his last important thing to do for the day: the first meeting for the new MRI research project. His professor had asked him to be the senior orthopedics resident to work with the radiologists on this project, and he thinks it’ll be just another good thing on his curriculum. Moreover, he really likes Seulgi, the Radiology resident responsible for the project; she’s smart and decisive, making life easier for everyone who has to work with her.

He opens the door of the meeting room with his elbow, being his hands occupied by a bunch of papers for the project.

 

-Good evening Seulgi, I hope I’m not lat-..-

 

He stops immediately, freezing on his spot. The papers he was holding fall on the floor, creating a big mess, but he doesn’t even care. He just stares at Hansol who’s sitting on the table, writing something on a piece of paper. Seulgi is nowhere to be seen.

 

-Why are you here? Where’s Seulgi?-

 

Hansol smiles at him while signing the paper he was writing, as if it was no big deal, the fact that he’s standing in front of Yuta like this. But Yuta knows him too well, he knows that he’s hiding his nervousness. He can tell by the way he avoids his gaze, by the way his right hand slightly trembles.

 

-Seulgi decided to take care of the echocardiography project instead, since she’s more of an expert in that field than I am. So, here I am. I hope it’s not a problem for you. –

 

Yuta slams the door behind him, walking towards the table and putting his hands on it, staring at Hansol with pure anger raging in his eyes.

 

-Of course it’s a problem, Hansol! Do you expect me to just sit here and work with you??-

 

Hansol finds the courage to stare at him, he does his best to be firm, he does his best not to start crying because it’s the closest he’s been to Yuta in the last year.

 

-Yes, if you don’t want to lose the privilege of working on this. –

 

Yuta rolls back his eyes, as if he’s on the verge of having a crisis. Hansol thinks he doesn’t need to know he begged Seulgi to exchange projects so that he could work on this one.

 

___________________________________________

 

Winters are harsh in the countryside, hitting on nature mercilessly, choking everything with their frozen grip. The man curls in his heavy jacket, breathing shallowly against his scarf as he walks quickly towards home. He should buy a car, but the village is so small it would be a waste of money, since it’s just 5 minutes from his shop to his house. He sighs in relief as soon he makes it to the entrance, opening the door quickly to let the warmth of the house embrace him. He distractedly grabs the letters in his mailbox before closing the door, putting them on the table. He rubs his hands together, closing his eyes as he looks around at his house. It’s nothing much, barely big enough for one person, but he likes it. It turned out to be more cozy than he thought the first time he stepped in it, a few months back.

With a smile, he approaches the letters. Bills, advertising, all sort of stuff…he almost doesn’t notice a white letter that isn’t nor a bill, nor advertising. He frowns while looking at it, studying it in order to find who wrote it.

When he finally finds it, his heart skips a beat. “Kim Doyoung, Legal studio,Seoul”

He swallows nervously, his hands trembling as they race in order to open it, a heavy feeling on his chest. When he finally succeeds he immediately reads the whole of it, and a bunch of strange words are thrown at him, formal constructions that he has to interpret in his mind. He suddenly stops, and the letter falls on the ground, making a dull noise. He breathes quickly, covering his mouth with his hand, the other hand on his chest, trying to stop his racing heartbeat, failing.

 

-Johnny, no.- he whispers to none, his voice barely more than a sigh.

 

None can hear Moon Taeil in the emptiness of his house.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello everyone! I’m sorry for being late, again, but I’ve had one exam, Christmas and the NCT comeback fucking my life recently. Plus, I am studying for another big, scary exam and honestly I’m shaking ç_ç 
> 
> Thank you so much for all the comments, kudos and bookmarks, I would like to hugh each one of you <3 
> 
> I hope you’ll like this chapter! See you next time, which hopefully will be not too distant.
> 
>  
> 
> Moreover: since a few of you were confused by the character’s behavior or story, here’s a little explanation! 
> 
> Taeyong= he suffers from OCD (Obsessive-Compulsive-Disorder). It’s a mental disorder characterized by obsessions, which are intrusive thoughts on recurring themes that are perceived as being senseless by the individual, but they can’t be resisted. Compulsions are actions the individual does which, again, are felt as being senseless, but the individual can’t avoid doing.  
> Taeyong’s most recurrent obsession is hygiene, this is why people can’t mix their things with his, or make excessive physical contact with him, since he’s obsessed with germs.  
> This is why he pulled away from Yuta’s kiss or he never had sex with anyone, because- even though he likes them- the thought of having to share that much with someone completely inhibits him.  
> He’s excessively tidy, so tidy that he freaks out if something is moved just by 1 cm.  
> He’s, however, learnt how to use his compulsions while working, so that he became an extremely precise surgeon.  
> The price for all of this is people laughing at his weirdness. 
> 
> Ten= Ten is, clearly, a narcissistic personality. Not in the classical pathological way, but he clearly manipulates people in order for them to stick near to him, to praise him, may it be with sex or other things.  
> He can’t stick to just one relationship due to various reasons: 1) he loves sex too much to stick to only one person forever 2) he wants to be loved by as many people as possible, he wants to be praised and wanted. It makes him feel good, because it fills the emptiness he feels behind this outer shell.  
> He, consequently, has abandonment issues: as soon as someone tries to push him away, he’ll do something dramatic to bring him back, just like he did with Johnny in the previous chapter.  
> He, however, really cares about Johnny, he really wants him to be happy, this is why he’s spending money for him to take legal actions against those who ruined him.  
> He also suffers from chronic depression/anxiety disorder, which is a problem because he may easily overdose on the medications used to treat these diseases.
> 
> Note: by this I don’t mean that polyromantic people have mental health issues, it’s just Ten’s case!


	9. You still haunt me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hansol is shocked.  
> Sicheng faces a crisis (yes, another one), but someone just knows how to talk to him.  
> Jaehyun&Taeyong talk about sweet nothings.  
> Johnny and Ten are calm and nothing can ruin it...right?

_Summer was generally merciless in Seoul, made of continuous cries from the sky, thunders and rain that made the hot weather even more unbearable due to the rising humidity. Yuta usually struggled to breathe, studying under their air conditioner to try to cope with the temperature, hands running through his hair to move it from his sweaty forehead._

_Ten and Hansol teased him saying that he would catch Legionella by standing so close to the AC all the time, but he didn’t really care, he didn’t even think that standing up to jokingly beat the two wasn’t worth the sweat._

_Sure, the pauses from study sessions made of seemingly endless hours of sex, sweat running between their bodies as he relieved tension by letting Hansol’s arms embrace him, Ten’s mouth caressing his cock, Hansol’s length pressing in him, Ten’s hands in his hair, Hansol’s teeth on his neck…those were totally worth it.  
_

_A marvelous, monotonous melody._

_But that day it was sunny, and the sun had strangely dried the air, making it almost breathable. So he had followed Hansol to the campus park to find an empty table where to sit and study with the sun kissing their skin, while Ten was busy with an exam and couldn’t go with them. Yuta’s hair shined with a reddish reflection as he sat under a tree with his book open in front of him, sometimes glancing at the sky, almost incredulous of the suddenly good weather. Hansol smiled while seeing him doing so, gently brushing his cheek with his index finger. Yuta lowered his stare to his lover, blushing suddenly – though his cheeks were already flushed due to the temperature - and smiling at Hansol, who thought he was just witnessing the most beautiful thing in the world._

_-We should do something else other than study. –_

_Hansol giggled, it was typical Yuta whining about having to study,so that one would’ve never guess how good his grades were._

_-And what would you like to do? –_

_Yuta leaned his cheek on his palm, losing himself in his dreams, simple dreams of just being able to do something else rather than studying._

_-You and me and Ten. On a mountain, enjoying the good weather, breathing good air, relaxing. –_

_Hansol smiles at his dreamy voice, ruffling his hair._

_-Dermatology won’t study on its own-_

_Yuta snorted, abandoning his head on the table, an invitation for Hansol to further run his fingers in the silky, thick hair he loved so much._

_-I hate it. – he mumbled._

_-Me too, but there’s nothing we you can do about it. –_

_Yuta smirked, hidden to Hansol’s view, before raising his head to look at the other, who promptly started caressing his cheek._

_-Oh yes, there is. We can sweeten it a bit. –_

_Hansol raised an eyebrow, knowing Yuta way too perfectly to miss the glimpse of mischievousness in his eyes._

_-You want a pause? Just let me finish this chapter and..-_

_He didn’t even manage to finish the sentence that Yuta had leaned forward, capturing his lips, earning a displeased stare from the people in the close tables. Hansol closed his eyes at the contact, suddenly shifting his hand from Yuta’s cheek to his neck, caressing it softly, making him shiver despite the hot temperature. It was somehow new, it hadn’t been much time since Hansol had gotten used to public displays of love, with both of them. Yuta suddenly left his lips and Hansol moaned due to the sudden loss, just to register Yuta standing up from his place and moving to Hansol on the other side of the table, hugging him energetically and making him fall on the grass._

_-Yuta!-_

_Yuta laughed heartedly due to Hansol’s shocked –yet amused- expression as he leaned on his body, placing another quick kiss on his lips. Hansol circled the other’s slim body with his arms, ignoring all the disgusted stares. He was happy, they all could go and fuck themselves with their books._

_-It’s a request for cuddles, am I right? -_

_Yuta smiled, resting his head on his chest, inhaling the scent on Hansol’s T-shirt._

_-You’re smart. Dermatology can wait. –_

_Hansol shook his head, placing a kiss in Yuta’s hair._

_-Will you ever stop being a child? -_

_Yuta giggled, his beautiful smile against Hansol’s skin._

_-Never. -_

 

There isn’t much left of the playful child on the man Hansol’s staring at. He just scrolls down on his computer, scribbling something on a clinical record here and then, carefully avoiding to speak any superfluous word, his gaze fixed on the work. Hansol wonders if he did a mistake by insisting on this, since Yuta was clearly, unequivocally, uncomfortable. And it hurts much. But he’s just happy of having him there for a while, to be able to observe the dark circles around his eyes, the wrinkles that start slowly forming around his mouth – the price you have to pay for having smiled too much – his hair annoying him by covering his eyes now and then. He’s got the impression it’s less shiny than before, but maybe it’s just the artificial light. Or maybe it’s adulthood weighing on his shoulders.

 

-Will you stop staring at me anytime soon and focus on those MRIs? –

 

Hansol is taken aback by those words that suddenly resonate in the empty meeting room, flushing his cheeks red.

 

-Sorry. – he mutters, and he feels humiliated by it.

He feels incredibly stupid for having apologized for staring to someone who took his heart, gave him all his love to just deny it to him little by little, till there was nothing left. Nothing but Hansol’s broken self. He would’ve coped with refusal better if Yuta didn’t avoid him at all costs as if he had done something terrible.

He had done nothing.

He just keeps examining all the MRIs in silence, ignoring the painful sensation in his chest, silence suffocating him slowly. He doesn’t expect Yuta to break it, with a shaky voice, too high and unsuccessfully sharp: it’s the voice he makes when he doesn’t want to let words slip through his mouth, so he just swallows them, stiffening his throat. Hansol _still_ knows him too well.

 

-Do…do you think this is an artefact? -

 

He had tried his best to figure it out on his own, trying to recall all his radiology knowledge, but in the end he had to ask Hansol. Had Seulgi been there, it would’ve been much easier, so much easier. Yuta wouldn’t be so afraid even to breathe. Hansol leans forward to take a glance at his computer, trying his best not to see the other, to just focus on the question he was asked. Yuta tries to focus on the computer as well, but after a while his eyes naturally shift to Hansol. His heart skips a bit to see how, in the end, he hadn’t changed at all in two years, apart from his eyes. His eyes, once big and innocent, curious and shy, are now just the eyes of a responsible man, the eyes of someone who carries all the weight on his shoulders. He suddenly remembers that weight is probably, mostly, Ten’s, and his throat closes even more, painfully.

 

-Yuta? –

 

Yuta immediately comes back to reality, facing Hansol directly, who stares at him in awe.

 

-What? –

 

-I told you it’s a small hematoma, totally unrelated to what we’re doing. –

 

Yuta shivers for one moment, the sudden surge of mixed feelings hitting his head, stiffening his muscles so that he almost hurts himself by holding the pen in his hand so firmly. He’s jealous, jealous of that man who every night goes back to Ten, the man Ten had refused to leave when he had begged him to do so. The man he once loved. The man whose scent fills his nose and worsens his headache. The man who’s staring at him wide eyed, breathing heavily, suddenly much closer than he would like.

Yuta immediately distances himself, almost panicking, holding the armrests of his chair firmly.

 

-…Hansol what…-

 

-The necklace. You still wear it. –

 

Yuta’s heart skips a beat, realizing what Hansol’s talking about, with a voice so low it could resemble a whisper. Or maybe it was a whisper, but it turns Yuta deaf. He immediately holds the necklace he usually keeps hidden under his scrub or clothes. Their eyes meet for one moment, both panicked, both expressing so much more words than those they’ve exchanged in almost two years. It’s too much for Yuta, he just stands up, grabbing his bag and shutting his laptop closed, so strong Hansol snaps away, afraid. 

Yuta is furious, he just messily puts everything inside his bag, hearing the sound of a plastic water bottle being squeezed by the sudden weight.

 

-Yuta…- Hansol pleads, but it’s useless.

 

-No, Hansol, listen. Don’t make this more difficult than it should be, I beg you. See you on Thursday. –

 

It’s difficult to avoid Hansol’s confused stare, everything is difficult and messy in his mind. He rushes towards the door, slamming it so loudly behind him that a nurse almost screams. He then runs away, runs and runs more, rushing up on the stairs till he’s breathless. He rushes a bit more till he reaches the roof, the cold air hitting on his skin, the wind ruffling his hair. He lets out a scream and falls on his knees. He keeps on holding to the leaf shaped necklace, the necklace Hansol had bought for his 22nd birthday. He hadn’t really bought it, it was given to him by a pitchman, saying that it brought luck and love to whoever wore it, and Hansol had put it around his neck.

For the millionth time in two years, he tries to get it off his neck, crying.

For the millionth time, he fails, resting his hands on his thighs, weakly.

 

___________________________________________________________

Sicheng is panicking in his patient’s room. Taeyong is nowhere to be seen, probably having dinner somewhere. And he shouldn’t need him, theoretically, because, theoretically, he should know perfectly what to do. And he does, he’s just frozen on his spot, biting his nails. It’s not like he doesn’t have the guts, it’s just the first time in his whole career that he faces such a massive and sudden renal failure.

 

-Hydrate, check the potassium...I’ve done it…then…then…-

 

He scrolls in his mind all the list of things to do in this emergency situation, trying to see if he had forgotten something, something it could cost his patient’s life and his job.

 

-Hydrate…hydrate….it should go back to normal…where is the nephrologist…-

 

The nurse stares at him in disbelief, not because of the panic attack- every first year resident faces it sooner or later – but because he’s speaking in Chinese to himself.

 

-….hydrate…electrolytes…check the creatinine…-

 

He closes his eyes, repeating again. He surely doesn’t expect to hear someone answering him.

 

-Seems like you’ve got it right, do I really need to be here? -

 

Sicheng immediately opens his eyes, turning around to stare at the man who had spoken to him, and who had understood him in the first place. He meets a warm smile on a round face and a pair of eyes, the bright eyes of a smart person, or at least that’s Sicheng’s impression. He had already seen him around, and he knew he was Chinese, but he had never talked to him.

 

-I…I think you should check it anyway…-

 

-You’re right, never trust a surgeon. I’m Dr Qian Kun, from the Nephrology unit. Dong Sicheng, right? -

 

Sicheng smiles at him, bowing politely.

 

-Correct. You need the medical records, don’t you? -

 

-Yes, but I need you to tell me something more about the patient. When did it start? –

 

His smile reassures Sicheng immediately, and it’s a warm feeling.

 

________________________________________________________________________

-So, you know, there’s this new study about anticoagulation, but I’m not too convinced…I mean, I think the conclusions are too weak…hyung? -

Taeyong is ordering all the vegetables in his plate, carefully separating carrots from broccoli and beans. He even tries to pile up the carrots, letting out a small whine wen he realizes they’re not evenly cut so it’s impossible. They should learn how to cut carrots better, he makes a mental notice to tell the café’s owner. Taeyong raises his stare to meet Jaehyun’s eyes, who is blinking at him, confused. It’s not that he doesn’t know that Taeyong has these obsessions, it’s just that he likes to be listened to when he talks.

That’s _his_ obsession.

Taeyong smiles, understanding his concern as he moves a bean next to the other ones.

 

-I’m listening to you, Jaehyun. You were talking about the new anticoagulation study. Why are the conclusions weak, in your opinion? -

 

To be fair, Taeyong doesn’t give a damn about anticoagulation. For all he cares from his surgical perspective, he just needs to take the guidelines and apply them. But, of course, Jaehyun was an internist and the elder found it almost amusing how he could be excited over such a thing. In the end, Jaehyun has his obsessions as well.

He raises his stare again, and fixates it on Jaehyun for long seconds, till the other stops talking again. This time, he wasn’t listening to him for real.

 

-What, hyung? –

 

He finds Taeyong’s stare almost intimidating, sending a shiver down his spine, but it’s a good feeling. Unknown, but good. Taeyong smiles, before going back to his vegetables.

 

-Nothing, you’re really handsome. –

 

Jaehyun has to press a hand on his cheek in order to cover the sudden flushing. 

Taeyong giggles, not realizing that he had left his phone in his coat in the changing room. Not realizing Yuta is calling for the 5th time.

__________________________________________________________

Ten stares to the cigarette lighting up, the tobacco igniting for a brief second before it goes back to his slow burning. He inspires the smoke, letting it flow in his lungs and then out of his nose, filling Johnny’s apartment with another hint of unhealthiness.

 

-I think life is like a cigarette. –

 

Johnny, who’s ironing in a corner –he might have a different type of life now, but there’s no way he’s going at work with creased clothes – raises an eyebrow.

 

-You’re not only addicted, but also obsessed with cigarettes, sweetheart. –

 

Ten throws a pen he has conveniently close to Johnny, laughing.

 

-Stop interrupting my philosophical blabbering. –

 

Johnny had carefully avoided the pen, and kept on ironing a T-shirt nonchalantly. It did actually relax him, so much that Ten had started abusing his habit by bringing some of his clothes to Johnny’s house _“so you can relax even more”_ he had said.

 

-I’ve been doing this since day one. – Johnny laughs.

 

It had been a natural process, some of Ten things had started appearing in Johnny’s house, like clothes, shoes, make up, and a toothbrush. _“So that I don’t have to bring them with me every time I decide that I want your company.”_

There was something intrinsically selfish in those words, but Johnny had almost started to get used to Ten’s selfishness.

In the same way, some of Johnny’s clothes had started to pile up in Ten’s closet in the house he shares with Hansol, and some of his books were now in between Ten’s romantic novels and medicine textbooks _. “Why in the world do you even read romantic novels if you’re the less romantic person I’ve ever known.”_ – Johnny had said. 

Ten had laughed at it, shrugging. “ _Know your enemy.”_ – had been in his answer.

And their sex stains had started marking the sheets on Ten’s bed, the scent of what had happened the night before lingering for hours in the room. Hansol had just cleaned it all up, silently.

 

-Why would life be like a cigarette? –

 

Johnny is always quite interested in Ten’s blabbering: it doesn’t always make sense, but it does entertain him. Sometimes Ten goes so overboard with his speeches that he stops and starts laughing, usually hiding his face on Johnny’s lap. _“I should stop before my psychiatrist decides to add schizophrenia to my list of diagnoses.”_  

(Johnny had always suspected Ten was a psychiatric patient, but it was nonetheless an amusing way to confess it.)

Ten inspires again.

 

-When it starts it feels so good. It slows down, then. It ignites again from time to time, and there’s one particular moment it just goes to your head, and you feel light and happy. –

 

He takes in one last venomous breath, staring at the –now too short- cigarette.

 

-…Then you realize it’s ending and it just feels sad, and you’d like to have some more. And you have a bitter taste in your mouth. -

 

Johnny smiles, it doesn’t really make sense, but the sound of Ten’s voice resonating in his head makes him feel good.

 

-Assuming I’m important enough, which part of your cigarette life am I? -

 

Ten stares at him, throwing the cigarette butt in an ashtray distractedly.

 

-You’re the moment when it goes to my head. –

 

Johnny is surprised for a moment, and he stares back at Ten, turning off the electric iron the next moment. He then walks towards Ten, caressing his face, and what he gets in return is a feline stare, two pair of magnetic eyes that cut the air supply to his lungs. He captures his lips, kissing him fiercely, tasting the smoke on his tongue, the sweet scent of his cologne mixing with his own. He whispers _“liar”_ on his lips, and Ten giggles, whispering back an answer.

 

-I’m sincere this time. –

 

Johnny locks their eyes, not sure whether to believe him, he just lets his leg slide in between Ten’s, their chest touching as he presses him on the bed. He doesn’t want to have sex, not really, he just wants to feel Ten close. And Ten doesn’t deny the intimacy, opening his legs just enough for him to adjust in between them.

 

-And what do you know about life’s end? –

 

Ten stares at him, passing a finger on his neck, tickling him.

 

-I play with death as a profession. -

 

Johnny thinks Ten plays with his own life as well, but he doesn’t mouth those thoughts. In the end, Ten plays with everything: his life, people’s lives, his money, people’s money, his sanity, people’s sanity. They just fall silent for a while before Johnny speaks again.

 

-How’s Hansol? –

 

He’d never expect he’d end up liking Hansol. Sure, he’s still jealous, possessiveness raging in his chest when he sees him holding Ten close, but he deeply admires the other man, for his calmness, for his wisdom, for his ability to manage Ten’s crises.

Ten sighs, shrugging.

 

-He’s still not over his last meeting with Yuta. You know…when he discovered he still wears that necklace. –

 

Johnny caresses Ten’s hair, noticing the blue reflections as afternoon’s sunrays hit it.

 

-Do you think Yuta wears it for some reason? –

 

It had been part of the “normalization” process, talking about Yuta. It’s much easier now. Ten shakes his head.

 

-Yuta’s mind is now a mystery to me…I don’t know. –

 

Overall, Johnny feels everything could be fine. It’s a relatively calm moment for them, they’re waiting for the lawsuit to start, they’re waiting for things to settle. It’ll never be normal, it can never be normal with someone like Ten as a lover, but he thinks it could be fine. He might be able to see his daughter more, and bring her to the park with Ten. He might be able to find a new job, if he wins the lawsuit and he’s proven innocent.

It could be fine.

The reassuring train of thought is interrupted by the doorbell ringing. He frowns, he isn’t expecting anyone – who would want to visit him here, apart from Ten and the house owner - so he’s suspicious when he goes to open the door. His apartment is so small that Ten, sitting on the bed, can see what’s happening.

Johnny almost has a heart attack just by seeing a young man in front of him, staring at him wide eyed, with dark circles around his eyes and a worn out expression. 

Ten counts the seconds filled with silence, and at the 5th second he’s sure about who he’s seeing. He’s different from how he had imagined him, but surely not less handsome, and a sudden hint of jealousy makes his way in his mind.

Johnny is still frozen in his spot, before –at the 10th second – he finds the courage to close the door, violently. The other man blocks it, struggling to keep it open.

 

-Johnny, wait, listen…-

 

-I don’t need to listen to anything from you if not in court, you douchebag. – the words he spits out are poison.

 

Ten almost pities that man while he puts all his efforts to keep the door open, his voice coming out fearful and shaky.

 

-Johnny, please…listen to me. Withdraw that lawsuit, I beg you. It’s going to be our end if you don’t. –

 

Johnny stays still for one moment, a strange light sparkling in his eyes as he stares at his ex-lover. His ex- reason to live, who is preventing him from closing the door by resting his little hand on the door frame.

Johnny starts laughing, and Ten’s blood freezes in his vein, because it’s almost insane, resonating in his head weirdly. He had never heard it.

Johnny slams the door, and the sick sound of Taeil’s hand breaking as it’s caught between the door and the door frame draws a scream from Ten’s lungs.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys! Thank you for all the comments, kudos and support in general <3 <3 
> 
> This chapter is a bit shorter, I'm in the middle of exams and I don't have much time ç_ç I hope you'll like it anyway <3


	10. A precarious equilibrium

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ten's memories of his fight with Taeyong still haunt him.  
> Taeil takes aback everyone.  
> Yuta realizes he's alone....or maybe not?  
> Doyoung is smart, but that's not big news. 
> 
> We meet one important piece of Ten's life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so ashamed, really. I haven't updated in three months.  
> But there have been reasons to that, and I'll explain them at the end. I don't think anyone will care anymore about this story, but oh well lmao

_Yuta is yelling so hard he’s sure his eardrums will just break, but it won’t even be the worst thing._

_It’s his heart who is threatening to arrest any moment, it’s his mind threatening to shut due to the harsh words coming out from the man’s mouth._

_That mouth he loved to kiss so much._

_\- You’re just a selfish bitch, aren’t you? -_

_Everyone is staring in disbelief at the scene, their stares jumping from Yuta to Ten, who is just pressed against the wall, trapped in between the accuses and the cold concrete._

_Ten’s shivering, trembling, with both rage and fear._

_\- You lost your mind, Yuta, you really did. This is becoming sick. –_

_Yuta had called him 20 times the previous night, till he couldn’t handle it anymore and had just to shut his phone, crying in his bed._

_Hansol had gently caressed his back, trying to ease the pain caused by all the words that had flooded on him, through text messages, delirious phone calls, letters he found in his locker._

_Till his own life felt squeezed in a hold of insanity and obsession._

_Yuta is staring at him with glowing eyes, rage and sick love permeating through his stare, to the point he’s starting to think his hands will soon close on his throat, and not in the way he’s always liked._

 

_\- And who’s fault is that, uh? If you hadn’t just been the vicious cunt you are, if you hadn’t played with me, I wouldn’t be like this! –_

_Ten feels the tears flowing on his cheeks, and his eyes skim around to find Hansol in between the people who are staring._

_But of course he isn’t here, he’s at home today, there’s none to protect him from Yuta’s insanity now._

 

_\- You’ve known this from the beginning. I don’t know why you became like this just know. Yuta, let’s stop this here, for fuck’s sake! –_

_He knows, he does indeed: he’s seen Yuta changing day after day, slowly, under the ministrations of Taeyong’s caresses and poisonous words, till the germ of suspicion and jealousy had seeded in his mind._

_Till what they had built, the precarious equilibrium on which they were floating, crushed hard on the ground, leaving them all breathless, broken._

_Yuta laughs almost hysterically._

 

_\- I thought I could handle you and your sick habits. I thought I could handle you and your selfishness, I thought I could handle you liking to betray me with everyone you like. But I can’t. I just can’t anymore. –_

_Everyone gasped, faking concern, but all they care for is the entertainment, the topic they will sure chatter about for the days, weeks, months to come…_

_Ten swallows, sending a quick glance to all the people judging him, probably laughing about him in their minds already._

_He knows that voices had already spread, but he could never imagine he’d face a public humiliation like this._

_He collects all his courage to walk towards Yuta, even though he’s scared to death, one can read it on his face; he’s sweating, his heart beating so fast he’s sure it’ll soon burst. His movements are sloppy, the sleep deprivation had triggered some bad anxiety, forcing him to increase the dose of medications._

_Yuta draws holes on his face, staring in disgust. It’s not love._

_\- Yuta, I beg you, let’s stop here with this pathetic scene. You already know everything you need to know; you knew it from the beginning. It’s a take or you leave. –_

_Yuta swallows a painful lump in his throat, putting a hand on Ten’s shoulder, and it hurts so bad, as if it was able to burn through his coat._

_-You swore you loved me. –_

_Ten feels more tears forming in his eyes, wetting his face, his beautiful, little face. His voice comes out no more than a loud whisper._

_\- I do. -_

_Yuta shakes his head, squeezing his shoulder tight, to the point it hurts._

_\- I begged you to stop. To keep only Hansol and to stop with all the rest. You told me you would try, and I believed in you once again._

_Just to find you in bed with one man after the other, or people laughing at me because you’d disappeared again with someone. –_

_Ten placed his hand on Yuta’s, trying to stop him through his touch. But he knows it’s useless._

_\- Yuta, please…just let me go. Let me go. You’re scary. -_

_He didn’t expect another voice to add to their discussion._

_\- It’s not Yuta who’s scary, it’s you. –_

_Ten turned his eyes to Lee Taeyong, and the innocent expression he puts on when he’s staring at Yuta completely disappears, and his eyes become filled with hate._

_Ten doesn’t just hate Taeyong, he wishes to crush him on the ground and destroy everything he holds dear._

_Sometimes he fantasizes about stepping on his beautiful, skilled hands, delighted by imagining the sound of the other’s bones breaking._

_He then wants to throw up for having such a horrid thought: he can hurt people in many ways if he wants, he can be cruel, but he could never be violent._

_\- Of course you had to say something. This is all because of you and your stupid blabbering. Why don’t you keep your mouth shut for once and mind your own business? -_

_Yuta stares at them, suddenly worried, and his worry rises when Taeyong gets closer, his hate for Ten clearly visible on his face._

_He points his finger towards Ten’s face, trembling, and Yuta can feel the surge of rage racing in his friend’s veins._

_He tries to put a hand on Taeyong’s shoulder, lightly but decisive enough to try to drag him away, away from Ten._

_\- Watch your mouth, Ten. – Taeyong’s voice is filled with venom._

 

_Ten stares back into his eyes, laughing, but tears keep on flowing to his cheeks, reflecting the artificial light of the hospital hall._

_Everyone holds their breath for a moment, and Yuta does too, praying in a moment of lucidity in his mind for Ten to just turn around and leave._

_But he doesn’t._

_\- What if I don’t, Taeyong? Will you beat me? Aren’t you satisfied already? Hope it feels good, fucking Yuta while he keeps on calling me. –_

_Taeyong is trembling, obviously touched in a painful spot, and Yuta has to tighten his grip in order to prevent him from doing something stupid._

_\- Ten, stop…-_

_Yuta pleads his lost lover, one more pleading, one more beg. He’s become nothing but a mess of pleads, begs and unheard prayers._

_\- I swear, Ten…-_

_Taeyong’s eyes are almost out of his orbits, radiating an insane aura, and Ten shivers once more, but not enough to prevent him from speaking once again, his chest filled with hate._

_\- You two are mad. Really made for each other. –_

_Yuta feels Taeyong escaping his hold and his heart sinks, because he knows what’s about to happen, everything foreshadowing in front of his eyes._

_He can’t even scream when he sees Taeyong grabbing Ten’s hair, harshly, and pushing him hard against the wall._

_A loud thump resonates and the first of Ten’s screams is heard._

_The second one comes when Taeyong throws him on the floor, and Ten is barely able to stop the ruinous fall with his hands, hitting anyway with his cheek against the cold surface._

_Yuta screams too, this time, when he sees Taeyong grabbing again Ten’s hair, jerking his head backwards too harshly, to the point he’s afraid he’ll break his neck._

_\- Taeyong, stop! –_

_Everyone is running towards the fighting couple, now that the entertainment has turned into something dangerous, trying to get Taeyong off Ten’s little, crying frame._

_Yuta is frozen on his spot, his hands to cover his mouth, watching helplessly as tears roll on Ten’s face and bruises start to form on his forehead, on his cheek, on his jaw._

_He should feel satisfied, he made him suffer and that’s all he should get, but he just finds it horrid, especially now that Ten’s pleads for help reach his ears; he’s speaking Thai, something he rarely does, unless he’s really scared._

_Three people are necessary to stop Taeyong from hitting Ten’s face once again, and as he’s forced away from the body he throws one last kick on Ten’s stomach, who coughs violently._

_Everyone is shouting, doing their best to hold Taeyong back, some immediately rush to help Ten, whose blood had started dripping on the white floor, still amidst little cries and pleads._

_He looks like a little baby, so that one would never thought he’d be able to wreck so many hearts._

_Yuta swallows, staying still in his place to observe Ten’s little frame being visited by one of the doctors, the punch on his eye looks quite severe._

_He holds his breath realizing that, during all the fight, Ten had stayed still, unable to raise a finger towards Taeyong._

_His eyes meet Ten’s for one moment, and the other boys seems to ask only one thing through his stare, the same question that has been racing in his own mind for years._

_“Why?”_

_He could be cruel in so many ways, but he could never be violent._

Ten is still as he bites his nails in the hospital corridor, his legs collected to his chest in a childish position. People pass and recognize him as the brilliant surgery resident, almost incredulous at the childish sight in front of them.He’s quiet, his stare empty, lost in memories and flashbacks.

 

Two people are next to him: Johnny sits heavily in his chair, his head in his hands, his fingers sunk in his hair, and he looks miserable; _more_ miserable than usual. Remorse eats him alive, it had started kicking in as soon as he’d realized Taeil had collapsed on the floor screaming and Ten was looking at him with terror in his eyes.

He was given the chance to make things right and yet he had screwed up everything.

 

Then, on Ten’s right, sits Taeil, the broken hand resting immotile on his belly, finding useless comfort in the warmth of his own body. His face is contracted by pain, but it’s not just the hand, it’s the dull ache that Johnny’s presence triggers in his head and his chest. The last time he had seen him it was in court, when disbelief had filled the beautiful brown eyes as he confessed in front of everyone. He tries to block those images, but he can’t, they fill his head.

 

Hansol breaks that heavy silence, capturing all those stares as he comes back from the radiological examination room. Johnny fixates his eyes on the blonde man, and Hansol pities him once more, before concentrating on Taeil.

 

\- It’s not as serious as we thought, no important structure was damaged and the fractures are quite easy to treat. With the correct rehabilitation, there’s a high chance to completely regain functionality. –

Taeil sighs in relief, closing his eyes for a moment and leaning back.

 

\- Thanks God. –

 

Hansol swallows, looking both at Ten and Johnny, concerned. He hates to do this, but his professional ethic comes before everything, even before Ten.

 

\- Mr Moon, if you want to sue Mr Seo for his aggression, I’ll ask you to fill some modules in front of the police…-

 

Johnny closes his eyes, and Hansol’s heart sinks: that’d be the end of him, it’d be another excuse to let him see his daughter even less. Ten is still, unmoving, no emotion on his face, but Hansol knows him well enough to tell he’s shaking inside.  
And he knows the reason.

 

But Taeil does something unexpected, taking them all aback.

 

\- No, I…don’t need to sue anyone. I just need more painkillers, please. –

 

Johnny widens his eyes in disbelief, staring at Taeil, who’s on the verge of tears, holding them back because he’d hate crumbling in front of two strangers.

He’s always had quite a pride, even when he was forced to give up on it.

 

\- Are you sure? – Hansol swallows, incredulous.

 

\- I just need more painkillers, please, it’s killing me. -

 

Hansol nods, turning around to search for a surgeon to take care of the case, and he gives Ten a quick glance before doing so. He’s become still again, hugging his knees closer.

 Taeil stares at his painful hand, red and swollen, and he finally allows himself to cry, due to the pain, due to the fact that the person he used to love the most had cruelly hurt him.

 

\- Why? –

 

Johnny’s question resonates in the air, reaching their ears and sitting there for a while; nothing can be heard, but people talking in the background and the sound of Ten’s heavy breathing.

 

\- Because I deserved it, I know I do. –

 

Taeil says, his voice feeble and scared.

Johnny stares at Taeil, and his expression is a strange mixture of gratitude and undying hate, it can be either one or the other according to how the flickering light of the broken lamp illuminates his stare.Silence is broken again by Ten, who suddenly stands up and walks away, rushing towards who knows where, leaving them both speechless.

 

Ten hadn’t said one one thing after the incident, if not to report to Hansol what had happened. Johnny knows that as soon he’ll open his mouth again, his heart will be shattered.

 

\- Go, what are you waiting for? -

 

Taeil’s voice reaches him and he sighs before standing up as well, starting to run to reach Ten. But Ten speeds up, opening doors reserved to the staff, knowing that hospital better Johnny could ever do. Still he tries to reach him, calling him with a shaky voice.

 

\- Ten! –

 

But the other doesn’t answer, he just runs on the stairs, breathing messily to the point Johnny is sure he’ll have to stop sooner or later. He does, once he’s out in the night air to reach for the roof, but it’s his feet that fail him: he trips, falling harshly on the stairs and Johnny screams at the sight. His chest hits on a step, hurting like hell and forcing him to curl on himself, clutching at his chest with a pained expression on his face. Johnny reaches him finally, placing a hand on his shoulders as he kneels next to him.

 

\- Don’t touch me. –

 

Ten’s voice comes out a little more than a feeble plead, due to the cold, due to the fact it’s just shock speaking for him, because he’d just want Johnny to wrap his arms around his body and cuddle him.

But the image of him hurting Taeil keeps on running in his mind, and everything becomes filled with memories of screams, violence and fear.

 

Johnny is hurt, and Ten can’t see his hand shaking as it lingers near to Ten’s body, longing to touch, not daring to.

 

\- Ten, please…-

 

Ten finally breaks down, tears falling from his eyes as he shakes into the night, curling uncomfortably on the stairs, his black hair spreading on the dirty steps.

 

\- What if you did it to me? –

 

Johnny’s heart sinks as he hears those words, and he has to swallow painfully before he’s able to dare coming close to Ten’s body, pressing his chest against Ten’s back. It’s uncomfortable and the early December night air threatens to freeze him on the spot, but he doesn’t care. He just rubs his cheek on Ten’s arm, inhaling his scent as the other boy shivers, not resisting that contact. He gently places his arm around Ten’s body, trying to calm down his hectic cry. He whispers in his ear, his warm breath hitting on Ten’s neck gently, as soothing as his words.

 

\- Everyone can be violent, Ten. I...was so angry at him. I still am. He’s the reason I can’t see my daughter, he’s the reason why my life crumbled in one million pieces. –

 

Ten swallows, trying to stop his tears from falling. He’s tired of crying, feeling worn out and numb, to the point he’s wondering if he’ll ever be able to enjoy anything again without that constant feeling of emptiness creeping in his heart and mind.

 

\- Sometimes I still feel the pain. I still feel the blood on my face as Taeyong hit me. –

 

Johnny’s heart sinks again: Ten had told him about the fight, but he had never told him the whole story. Johnny knows he’s still hurt, that he fears physical confrontation more than anything.

 

\- I’d never hurt you, Ten. Believe me when I say I love you. -

 

His teeth are rattling due to the cold, but he doesn’t care, he’d freeze to death if that was the price for Ten not to hate him. He’d tried to let go of him, he’d tried to live without Ten being a constant in his life, but he can’t. It’s like having Ten’s name marked on his heart.

 

\- Yuta said he loved me as well. And yet, he stayed still. He didn’t move one finger. –

 

Johnny squeezes him tight, Ten’s smaller frame almost disappearing in his warmth, and he can’t tell if Ten wants this or he’s just tired of fighting.

He, selfishly, decides it doesn’t matter.

 

\- Ten…listen to me. –

 

He rubs a strand of hair out of his face, exposing Ten’s glorious profile.

-I know you told me it’s a bad idea, but…I love you. And I don’t care who you fuck other than me, I just need to know you’re here. As much as it’s wicked, you gave me back hopes, I can dream again because of you. I can dream of holding again my daughter, and most of all, I dream of having you by my side. Is it asking for too much? –

 

Ten immediately turns, facing him with his eyes beautifully glowing in the dark. In the end, even if he wanted, he couldn’t push Johnny away, he’s too invested in him. And, in the depths of his heart, he had dreamed as well of holding Johnny’s daughter close, of hugging him while Kathy played happily in front of them.

He cups Johnny’s face, tasting his lips lightly, still shaking due to the cold temperature.

 

\- I can’t live without you, Johnny. -

 

Johnny feels like dying, and death never felt this sweet.

 

_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ 

 

Yuta had fallen in a sort of numbness, probably a protective mechanism. 

He had lied to himself and to Jaehyun when he told him he wouldn’t be affected by him trying to conquer Taeyong’s heart. He’d considered himself a much better person than he is, because now whenever he calls Taeyong and he hears Jaehyun talking in the background, he feels a surge of jealousy going to his head. Whenever he wants to have lunch with Taeyong, he often finds Jaehyun already there, chatting about who knows what, or when they’re home and Taeyong spends more and more time in Jaehyun’s room, fighting the urge to compulsively clean everything.

 

Yuta is not in love with Taeyong, he was just used to have him there all the time, ready to listen to his rants, ready to hold him when he cries. He just now realizes how selfish it is, and he resists the urge to call Taeyong again, just to listen to his voice, that slightly nasal, somehow childish, voice telling him everything will be ok.

He owes it to Taeyong.

 

He just sits in an empty room, staring into the void, hearing nothing but the ticking of the clock.

It’s almost 5 pm, and it’s Thursday.

He smiles bitterly in the darkness, realizing he’s pushed away everyone in his life: Ten, Hansol, all their friends; he hasn’t heard of Doyoung in ages, they weren’t the best friends – more than often preferring to insult each other-, but they weren’t strangers either. He’d forgotten the last time he’d gone to the club with someone, or went out for a drink with his friends. Simply because he has no friends, Taeyong aside.

 He doesn’t remember the last time he had sex. He had tried a couple of times to substitute Ten through random hook ups in bars or with colleagues, but he had felt only worse after that, so that not even that ephemeral release appeals him anymore.

 The clock ticks 4:55 pm. It’s almost time for him to go and meet Hansol.

 It’s silent as he walks through the hospital halls, as if everyone had been kidnapped by some obscure force, leaving him alone to hear nothing but the sound of his footsteps.

 

He sighs while placing a hand on the doorknob, closing his eyes for a moment. He then collects all his courage to open the door, only to find Hansol staring blankly in front of him, his hands nervously tapping on the table: something’s clearly busying his mind.

 

-Hey..-  Yuta says, and his voice his barely audible.

 

His voice has always been less low than Hansol’s, often coming off as more delicate, even when they whispered sweet nothing into each other’s ears.

Hansol turns to him, studying his figure for one moment as Yuta comes closer, this time sitting not exactly opposite to him, but closer.Hansol blinks, confused, as Yuta lowers his stare and puts his hands in his bag to search for his computer.

 

 - Hey…-

 

Then something happens, something he hadn’t been expecting, something he had given up on hoping.

 

\- Is everything all right? You seem…troubled. -

 

 

Hansol is taken aback by the sudden concern, Yuta hadn’t spoken with him in years now, always avoiding every contact, every chance to even simply let him know he’s fine. He’s left speechless, his heart thumping hard against his chest. Yuta’s face is worn out, even more than he was the previous week, his skin is grey and yet he finds him incredibly beautiful.

Just as beautiful as he was years ago, when he fell in love with him.

 

\- A friend’s a bit in trouble, but I’m sure we’ll sort it out. And you? –

 

Yuta swallows, smiling bitterly as he focuses on his computer loading. He should’ve expected that question, but he hadn’t prepared a credible answer.

 

\- This work is draining me a bit, but I’m fine. I’m really fine. –

 

Hansol doesn’t believe it, of course he’s not fine, he can read it in his eyes. He can sense in the strain of his voice, in the paleness of his face. And it suddenly clicks in his mind: Yuta is asking for help. After years of waiting, Yuta finally needs him again, and he’s been expecting this moment like a dog who waits for the return of his master.

 - No, you’re not. –

 

Deep down, Yuta knows it’s exactly the reaction he wanted, and it hurts his pride, but he’s sinking so low his pride can wait. He just closes his computer again, before swallowing and finding the courage to stare back at Hansol.

 

 __________________________________________________________________________________________________________

 

They’re in Jaehyun’s room, sitting cozily on the bed. Or better, Jaehyun is comfortable under the sheets, fighting back December’s cold with an oversized red sweater that completely engulfs him. It’s an endearing sight to Taeyong, who is sitting on the edge, staring at Jaehyun silently as the latter speaks on his phone with Sicheng.

Apparently, Sicheng has a date with Kun, the third year Nephrology resident, and he doesn’t know whether he should be happy because his scholar is in love or he should be extremely worried for the same reason, since Sicheng is already clumsy enough without being head over heels for his boyfriend.

 Taeyong is not comfortable, he never is when he hasn’t had time to clean the space he’s in himself, but he’s trying his best. He’s trying to cope with the urge to go away by staring a little bit more at Jaehyun, focusing on the little details of his face – like the adorable dimple that forms whenever he smiles sincerely – or the childishness of his movements, like when he covers his face with the blankets whenever Sicheng says something embarrassing.

If one knew Jaehyun only from work-  the stern, intelligent, professional Jaehyun- he wouldn’t believe how childish the boy can be.

 And Taeyong can’t help but stare.

 

When Jaehyun ends the phone call, immediately turns to stare deep into Taeyong’s eyes. He’s come to love Taeyong’s deep, brown, sad eyes: how could he not be sad when so man thoughts cloud his mind daily, draining all his life force into pointless routines. Jaehyun is realistic enough to know he’ll never heal him, but he may ease them.

 - Can I come close? -

 

Taeyong smiles and nods, opening his arms in a clumsy way to tell him he’d like to try a hug.  Jaehyun smiles fondly, carefully caressing the other’s arms before circling his neck with his own arms, feeling Taeyong shaking on his body. Taeyong stares at him in awe, amidst all the shaking and shivers, and Jaehyun hints a little smile.

 

\- Do you want me to stop? -

 

He’s more than happy when Taeyong shakes his head, responding to the hug by caressing his back. Lightly, he dares a little bit more, cupping the other’s face with the free hand, and Jaehyun stares at him in disbelief. He’s never done something so intimate, and Jaehyun’s heart starts racing madly. Probably this is why he likes Taeyong, even the smallest thing can become exciting, gifting him with a hint of innocence yet again.

 

\- Sometimes I think I want to kiss you. -

 

Jaehyun smiles – _oh god, his dimple-_ and touches Taeyong’s nose with his index finger, then his mouth, and he can see the other’s in distress, but the caresses on his back encourage him to continue.

 

\- Have you ever kissed someone? –

 

Taeyong thinks of all the times he’s tried kissing Yuta, and all those times his obsession had kicked in, forcing him to stop. But, even if for a short time, it had always been pleasurable, he had loved the consistency of Yuta’s mouth against his. For a moment, he had felt heat collecting in his pants, for a moment he had imagined what it would have been like to take him.

 

It’s the same thing he’s wondering right now that Jaehyun’s legs are spread on his lap, and that sight excites him as if he was a teenager. He is, somehow, a kid who’s never experienced intimate contact.

 

\- Yes, I’ve tried to kiss Yuta…but after a while, it started to kick in and…-

 

Jaehyun caresses his face, trying to hide the jealousy he feels for Yuta: he’s still grateful to the older, but his heart can’t help but feeling he’s still a threat.

 

\- Try to think beyond germs, I’m not only my germs…-

 

Taeyong laughs, bitterly, if only it was that easy…

Jaehyun sighs, moving slightly on his lap – _and he could swear that’s Taeyong’s cock he’s feeling –_ getting closer to his face.

 

\- I’m serious. When you feel you’re starting to think about germs, think about something else. Like, I don’t know, the consistency of my sweater or…whatever you prefer. –

 

Taeyong blinks a few times, before suddenly closing the distance between them. Jaehyun gulps, he didn’t expect him to try this early, but he doesn’t complain, he simply keeps on caressing his neck like he would with anyone else. Taeyong loves Jaehyun’s lips as well, loves the taste of his mouth, his scent invading his nostrils and he tightens the hold on his back.

But he feels it growing in the back of his mind, the thought he’s mixing his body fluids with another person’s, that germs are invading his mouth. He tries to resist it, despite it being so strong, he tries to resist and finds something else to focus on, running almost angrily a hand in Jaehyun’s hair, feeling the consistency of the soft black locks flowing under his fingers. It’s pleasurable, and he keeps on doing so, compulsively, and Jaehyun doesn’t question that choice, he just keeps on tasting his hyung’s mouth as if it was water in the desert, feeling blessed by that simple, childish contact.

 When they eventually separate, Jaehyun’s hair is a mess, a beautiful mess. So is Taeyong’s mouth, his lips red and swollen from the contact, itching pleasurably as he moves a hand towards them, almost incredulous at what they had done.

 

Jaehyun looks at him, breathing shallowly in the little space that separates them, biting his lip while pondering whether he should try more or not. Whether Taeyong’s flushed cheeks should be an invitation to search for more, to seek pleasure in the frail, tiny, little frame of Taeyong’s body. He draws the outline of his face, the skin adhering so sickly to the bones, while staring into his eyes and, slowly, he grinds on him, pressing their intimacies together.

 

He thinks he’ll always remember Taeyong face as he’s taken aback by the pleasure and throws his head backwards, letting a moan escape his lips.  
  
_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________

 

Doyoung is about to throw something at him, Johnny’s sure, he can read it in the fire that’s burning in his eyes.

It’s a pathetical scene going on in the living room of Ten and Hansol’s house, he’s in the center while Ten is next to him, squeezing his hand to show support (probably because he knows Doyoung well enough to fear he’ll actually beat Johnny.)

Hansol is in the kitchen, nervously preparing a cup of tea for all of them, he’d been quiet all day long, not really willing to say anything.

And, finally, in a corner of the couch sits Taeil.

His stare is fixed on something on the floor, sometimes shifting to his bandaged hand and to Doyoung’s screaming figure. He looks miserable, clearly wanting to be anywhere but there, he’d like to be alone in the little, cozy house they’d bought for him in exchange for his freedom, in exchange for his confession. He sometimes swallows painfully, but Ten is the only one who notices.

 

\- You’re such an irresponsible little shit, Johnny! We’re risking everything here and you do…this! -

 

Doyoung gestures to Taeil’s hand, and Johnny can’t say anything in his defense. He knows Doyoung is right, he’s sometimes taken aback by his own stupidity. He just lowers his stare, squeezing Ten’s hand a bit more, comforted by that touch; he rapidly thinks that, even if this is Hansol’s house, he’s the one sitting like this with Ten.

 

\- I don’t want to sue anyone...but...-

 

Doyoung turns to stare at Taeil, eyes even wider than usual, his hands clumsily and nervously playing in the pocket of his soggy jeans. He’s quite different in his casual clothes, to the point one wouldn’t guess he’s the famous lawyer he is. He looks like any other boy in his late twenties.

_Oh, how much do appearances fool us._

-But? –

 

Taeil bites his lower lip, his head hung low like a beaten dog. Ten’s stare is on him, and maybe he pities him, but the jealousy of realizing he’s much more handsome he had originally thought dominates his thoughts.

 

-Please…don’t play with them. Don’t go on with this lawsuit, it’s pure madness. It’s going to end both you and me. –

 

Doyoung stares at him, swallowing.

 

-Why would we be ruined, what do we have to fear? –

 

Taeil raises his head to stare right in Doyoung’s eyes, his eyes scared and uncertain. Johnny stares at the scene in disbelief, so does Hansol, even though he keeps on preparing the tea.

 

-Listen…I…just believe me. It’d be better for all of us. –

 

A sly smile creeps on Doyoung thin lips, spreading to his eyes.

 

\- So you’re admitting you’ve been blackmailed into confessing and stating the false in front of the judge, in exchange of money and a peaceful life, aren’t you? –

 

Taeil jerks immediately, panicking as he stands up, ignoring the stabbing pain radiating from his hand.

 

\- I…I…don’t…-

 

\- You what? –

 

Taeil looks at them all, Doyoung, Hansol, Ten…and finally Johnny, who’s sending an hateful stare at him, a stare that tells him that if he could, he’d break every single bone left in his body.

He feels nauseous as he reaches for the door.

 

\- I have to go. –

 

He doesn’t expect Johnny’s poisonous word to hit him harshly as he tries to open the door.

 

\- I’ve been forced on a street because of you, I’ve been prevented from seeing my daughter, all because of you. –

 

Taeil stands still for a moment, before turning one last time towards him, his eyes filled with tears. One year ago, the day before confessing, he had cried so much he had sworn he’d never cry that much ever again. But he’s living that nightmare all over again.

 

\- I loved Kathy as if she was my own daughter. It hasn’t been easy, Johnny. –

 

He then leaves, closing the door behind him and rushing down the stairs.

 Silence falls in the hall, filled only by Johnny’s suffocated, proud sighs.

 

It’s interrupted by Doyoung’s mischievous laugh as he takes something out of his pocket, clicking on it with pure satisfaction on his face.

Everyone looks at him, confused, before realizing he’s holding a voice recorder.

 

\- You really dated a dumbass, Johnny. –

 ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

 

Yukhei has had one hell of a day in his ward; on top of that, he’d been called in the ER due to a drug-induced psychosis and the boy had almost hit him, convinced he was some kind of monster trying to kill him. It was his job, dealing with irrationality, with people whose minds were working in a way different from all the others, and he loved to observe how differently the same disease could present in different people. He loved to work with the most difficult, mysterious part of a human being: the mind.

But, despite his endless love for his job, he’s beyond tired; he’d just like to collect his things in his office and go home, relaxing and trying to forget all that happened at work. He’s solid, solid enough not to be influenced by his patients, but sometimes he feels overwhelmed.

 

But his plans go crushing as he sees Ten sitting on the floor in front of his office, his back against the door, his knees collected on his chest. He immediately forgets how tired he is, because his favorite case is standing in front of him, that case he spends hours and hours analyzing. He’d spend hours listening to Ten, trying to comprehend the mechanisms of his mind.

A less skilled psychiatrist would have just labeled Ten as an endless list of diagnoses, starting from personality disorders, shifting to anxiety, ending to mood disorders, but it’s not that simple. Ten’s mind is complex, and he loves trying to understand it.

 

\- Ten, wasn’t our appointment on Monday? –

 

Ten raises his head to stare at him, smiling bitterly before standing up, still markedly shorter than him. Yukhei blushes when Ten looks straight into his eyes and his dark irises linger on his face. Ten’s examining him, studying him as much as Yukhei does with Ten, and one would be surprised by how systematic Ten can be in his own comprehension of other people’s minds and behavior.

 

\- I couldn’t wait, I’m sorry. –

 

Yukhei smiles while opening his office, gesturing Ten to go in. Ten looks around the office, liking every detail of it, loving Yukhei’s scent permeating from every object inside it. It’s not like any other office, it’s comfortable, relaxing, the perfect place in which he can just open up about everything. Yukhei is the only person who, visit after visit, had managed to know everything about Ten. Ten had tried to manipulate him as well, but he wouldn’t be a psychiatrist if he didn’t know how to stop him.

 

_“Don’t lie to me. I’m here to help”_   
_“I’m ashamed”_   
_“I’m not here to judge you, whatever you say, I’ll use it to understand you better. I promise.”_

And he had kept his promise.

 - How you’ve been doing? -

 

Ten just sighs while sitting on the comfortable chair, losing himself in the sight of Seoul opening beyond Yukhei’s office window. Silence follows for minutes, but Yukhei doesn’t push him, he just removes his coat to sit in front of Ten, patiently waiting. He’s already started working, anyway, studying Ten’s facial expressions, his appearance, the –almost harmonious- succession of sighs.

When Ten decides it’s time to speak, his eyes are full of tears.

 

\- I think I’m falling in love with Johnny. –

 

Yukhei isn’t surprised, not even one bit. Ten fell quite frequently in love, meeting this or that man and immediately developing feeling and attachment to them. He’d then discard said men with no remorse, considering them barely more than used tissues. He struggles with finding the reason of that behavior, nowhere to be found in his past, and he has one or two hypotheses about it.

Ten had fallen in love with him as well, something like a year ago, dramatically confessing his love in that same office, with promises and words of love stumbling upon one another almost incoherently. Yukhei had delicately declined, with the excuse he can’t engage in love affairs with his patients. Ten had been mad for a couple of months, before returning to Yukhei’s office, seeking help once again.

 

But, much to Yukhei’s surprise, Johnny was different. Johnny had managed to keep Ten’s interest high for months now, something only Yuta and Hansol had ever been able to do. Ten’s way of speaking about him was peculiar, as if he was a mystery still to discover, a dangerous path he’s afraid to walk on. He’d be both sweet and sour when describing the other man, sometimes putting him on top of the world, sometimes degrading him.

 

It had come to a surprise for Yukhei: people like Ten rarely feed upon someone so similar to them, interpreting them as a threat, rather than a love interest.

 

But there Ten is, with puffy eyes and hoarse voice, from having cried too much in the previous days.

 

Yukhei stayed silent for a while, before speaking again.

 

\- May I have your notebook? -

 

Ten nods, simply picking the red notebook out of his bag and handing it to Yukhei, who starts reading it silently. Worry grows on the psychiatrist’s face, page after page of that little glimpse to Ten’s mind, realizing that Johnny had tried to distance himself and that had almost crushed Ten. When Yukhei is done, he simply closes the notebook, sighing while confronting Ten’s gaze.

 

\- I think it’s time to switch to a higher dose of antidepressant, Ten. –

 

Ten starts crying again, shaking his head, knowing too well what a higher dosage would mean. Yukhei sighs, swallowing painfully.

 

\- Listen, Ten…I’m happy you love him, but the next time he’ll decide he wants to leave you, it’ll be fatal. You were one step from suicide. _Again_. –

 

Ten crosses his arm on his chest, his gaze becoming algid.

 

\- Why would he leave me? I’m all he has, right now. I’m the only chance he has to have back his life. –

 

Yukhei nods, but deep inside he’s terribly worried by that answer; it was one of Ten’s favorite technique _“you can’t leave me, because without me you’re ruined.”_

\- What if he wins the lawsuit, Ten? What if he has back his job and he doesn’t need you anymore in his life? You can’t put your life in his hands. –

 

Ten’s eyes glow in pure terror for one moment.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone! 
> 
> I'm really, really sorry for taking this much to update. But after the last update, exactly the day after that, my life has become a bit of a mess: on top of exams and all the stress coming from uni, my grandmother's conditions aggravated and the following months have been really difficult.  
> I was a bit emotionally drained, and since this fanfic is quite...emotionally difficult to handle, I couldn't manage to write it. 
> 
> But now it's back. 
> 
> I'm sorry that this chapter is long and may be boring, but I promise next chapter we'll start with the lawsuit, reaching the climax.  
> I honestly don't know how many people will care about it, but anyway xD 
> 
> Also, I've been wanting to introduce Ten's psychiatrist for ages but I couldn't find a proper face, thank you SM for introducing Lucas at the right moment lmao. He's obviously much older than his real age, but everyone is in this fanfiction.
> 
> Thank you for reading, and sorry again for making you wait. 
> 
> Heesyrax


	11. The first, thousandth time.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The night before the first hearing isn't easy for anyone of them. 
> 
> And Yuta re-lives a few of his "first times".

Taeil can’t find any rest.

 

Sleeping hasn’t been easy since the day someone had knocked his door, telling him they knew everything about him and Johnny and that he could either collaborate or face his doom. He had spent nights thinking and thinking again, trying to avoid the decision that would, ultimately, tear him and Johnny apart. He had tried to resist, sure, denying the evidence till he could, crying helplessly to _leave them in peace._

He couldn’t find a proper explanation to why anyone would be so offended by the fact he and Johnny had a relationship, none was loyal to their spouses in that place. None cared about morality, about good conduct, as long as everything appeared shiny, coated in gold, so bright that clients and investors would be blinded by it.None cared about each other’s personal lives, not beyond the point of simple gossip. Yet, there they were, threatening him, threatening to ruin both him and Johnny, speaking of conspiracies and poor conduct, of treason to their family.

 

Then he had clicked in his mind: it wasn’t about him, it was about Johnny. Johnny, the young promise of their company, the powerful director, the perfect husband and father, the only, true, threat to the competitors.

 

And he had consented, then, knowing there was nothing to do. That it was beyond both him and Johnny, that it was a battle they could not win, not with the proof of their relationship ready to taint their reputations.

 

They had promised both him and Johnny would get something, that they wouldn’t be left alone to starve on the streets, once their families would be too ashamed to even look into their eyes. And they had kept their promises, giving him enough money to build a ghost of his previous life, alone, in the countryside. A shop, a house, none to speak to. It was the perfect place for his dreams to be tainted by remorse and his life to carry on in solitude.

 

After a few months, he had started thinking that –maybe- he could find a wife, a relationship he would not be afraid of showing to the world.

No more kisses in the dark of empty classrooms or college rooms, in the bathroom of his uncle’s fancy house, no more sex on Johnny’s desk when darkness engulfed the whole building. On such nights, their moans were the only thing to be heard in the corridors, and their workplace looked like the negative photograph of what it looked like in the mornings. Sometimes there were screams and fights, because loving in secrecy is never easy, and during the morning meeting, both dressed up in their ties and fancy dresses, between one histogram and another they would look into each other’s eyes and no “sorry” was necessary for them to know that everything was already forgotten.

 

He had lived a life of lies for love, waiting in the dark for an occasion to be himself, to love without fears.

And in fears and lies it had ended, leaving him scarred and empty.

 

He had started thinking of a baby on his own, without having to reflect all his parental wishes to Johnny’s daughter. The beautiful, little Kathy, looking so much like his father and who he loved like she was his own daughter. He had cried when she was born, immediately recognizing in her the eyes of the man he loved. Back in the solitude of his new house, he had tried to find ways to redeem himself, ways to be someone new, someone that would not be ashamed to look into his cousin’s eyes.

 

The same opportunity was given to Johnny. Money, enough to build a new life somewhere else, in exchange for his silence. Johnny had spit on the check, insulting the man who was handing it to him, screaming that he would not run away from his daughter.  _That he still had a dignity._

 Silly, proud, obstinate Johnny. The reasons why he had fallen in love with him in the first place.

 

He was trying with all his heart to swallow back the remorse and go on when Johnny’s accusations had come like a cold shower. And his nights had become even more tormented, so that not even the sleeping pills would guarantee him a good sleep.

 

Asking to his cousin for a place to stay in Seoul hadn’t been easy, not when she would barely admit he was still her cousin. Not when, whenever he would try to search for her eyes, she would stare at him in disgust and anger, a justified one, because he fucked her husband for years. Because he was there for their first date, for their official engagement, for their wedding, for the birth of their daughter, for Johnny’s promotion to the place of director. A constant shadow in her life.

 

Yet, she hadn’t refused. She had opened the door of her house, despite her new husband’s protests, and had let him sleep there, eat at their table, play with Kathy;  the little girl had screamed _“Uncle Taeil! I’ve missed you”_ , innocent and unware of what adults could do. She wouldn’t say a word other than repeating their defense strategy, what to say in court. And Taeil wouldn’t force her to say anything more.

 

Yet, hearing him sigh alone in his bed in the guest room, she opens the door lightly, staring at him in the darkness. Taeil feels her eyes upon him, but doesn’t dare to look at her, too ashamed of the tears in his eyes.  _You’re such a coward, Moon Taeil._

 

Seoyeon walks towards his bed, her footsteps light and delicate on the carpet. She had always been delicate, “ _she’s like a hot bath after a difficult day”_ Johnny would sometimes say, and he would feel jealousy rising mercilessly in his chest. Johnny didn’t love her, he swore to death, he swore to him the night before his wedding, he swore to him just one moment before walking to the altar. He swore he didn’t love her, that he loved only him, only him and none else.

_“I love only you, Moon Taeil. Till the end, it’ll be only you”._

He giggles bitterly, thinking of how things had changed, of how all the promises were shattered, vows broken, bonds severed.

 

\- Why are you laughing? There’s nothing to laugh for, Taeil. –

 

Her voice cuts into his soul, and his laughter, as bitter as it is, dies on his lips, chokes him. He quickly dries his tears with his hands, before turning around to face her. It’s not easy, but he has to.

 

\- I was thinking about how ridiculous this all is. –

 

Seoyeon laughs, as bitter as him, crossing her legs elegantly while sitting on the edge of her cousin’s bed. Her body is wrapped in a silk robe, her hair spreads softly on her shoulders, smelling of flowers and whatever costly shampoo she uses. Johnny would smell like her, sometimes, and he would die upon noticing.

 

\- And whose fault is that? –

 

Taeil swallows, once again, he’s sure he’s going to lose his voice from all the hurt he’s been keeping sealed in his throat.

 

\- I know. –

 

Seoyeon looks at him, once more, not daring to speak for a while. Then she does.

 

\- Accusing us of conspiracy....accusing my husband back. He must’ve been out of his mind. –

 

Taeil would like to shout out _“he’s saying the truth. And he’s a fool for doing that.”_

He pities Seoyeon, she had left a husband that had lied to her only because he loved another man, just to end in the arms of a ruthless liar who would do anything for power and prestige, _even betraying his own friends._ And she would always be unaware, always the last to know. Always a toy soldier in someone else’s grand scheme.

\- He misses his daughter; he must be desperate. –

 

Seoyeon laughs, almost hysterically, before answering back with venomous words.

 

\- If he cared about his daughter, he could’ve just as well stopped betraying me with you. He could’ve refrained from all the horrible things he did. –

 

Taeil bites his lips, breathing shallowly, wordless. What can he say? He can just wander in silence, hopeless, till someone will command him to tell yet another lie.

 

Seoyeon looks at him, deeper.

 

\- Taeil, look at me and tell me the truth. Only the truth. –

 

Taeil widens his eyes, curling his blankets in his only working hand, the other hurting mercilessly at the extremity of his limb.

 

\- Tell me all of these accusations are false. That Johnny is just out of his mind. –

 

Taeil heart sinks as he sees her begging him with her eyes, and he wonders what leads her to ask that question. There he is again, silent, yet another lie requested. He can’t tell the truth, he can’t admit, because it would mean to admit having lied in front of the judge. It would mean a bigger punishment than simple shame, than simple remorse. He must survive, in the end.

So he swallows his pride, again.

 

\- Of course, he’s just out of his mind. –

 

And he knows this night he will get no rest, just like all the other nights to come.

___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ 

 

Everyone else is just as nervous as Taeil the night before the first hearing.

Different regrets, different tainted thoughts filling each mind, yet the same struggle squeezes their hearts; it’s the will to resurface from the dark ocean of remorse and lies, from all the weight their adult life had put on their young shoulders.

 Johnny is shaking like a baby in Ten’s bed, barely the ghost of the prideful man he had once been. He’s afraid, afraid of having to live that nightmare again, of having to fight for the simple right of holding his daughter. Ten is soothing and loving, caressing his hair, kissing his lips, and Johnny doesn’t know how to thank him. He simply holds him close, finding in his heartbeat a reason to go on, to fight again, to be proud again.

 

\- You’re shaking too. –

 

Johnny laughs a little when noticing that, feeling Ten’s naked body trembling under his touch. Ten laughs, embraced by the darkness of that moonless night, the glint of sadness in his eyes almost the only light Johnny can see.

But he can feel his racing heartbeat.

 

\- I’m afraid of losing you. –

 

Johnny furrows his eyebrows, interlacing his fingers with Ten’s in response, almost like a couple of teenagers loving each other silently.

 

\- Why? I love you more each second that passes. –

 

Ten had tried his best to let go of that thought, to stay silent, but Yukhei had been clear _“If you want to keep Johnny close, you have to be sincere. No more lies. Share your thoughts, each one of them, and he will be grateful for that.”_

Ten sighs before speaking, and none will never understand how much it hurts, how much it takes.

 

\- I’m possessive, manipulative, with abandonment issues. I’m afraid you’ll leave me once the lawsuit is done, if you win it. I’m afraid of being alone, all the damn time. I replace the emptiness with this urge of keeping as much people as possible with me. I’m narcissistic, I’m depressed and I always think the worst out of everything. I’m anxious, and I can control it to give my best at work, but I repay that with constant panic attacks whenever I’m alone. –

 

Johnny already knew each one of those things, he’s not blind, he had noticed every wicked behavior, every hint of possessiveness, all the manipulative strategies Ten could pull to keep people close. And he knows that Ten voicing them out is him trying to redeem himself, he’s asking for acceptance and for indiscriminate love. So he simply puts a finger on his lips, his beautiful lips, shushing him.

 

\- I know. -

 

Ten widens his eyes, holding tighter Johnny’s hand in response, squeezing so much that their knuckles turn white.

 

\- And I love you anyway, Ten. –

 

Ten curls in his chest, one hand still caressing Johnny’s brown locks, the latter circling him with his free arm, like a helpless baby.

 

Then Ten takes him aback.

 

\- I love you too, Johnny. Beyond all my problems, I feel that I love you, and it’s different. It’s something I never felt before, it’s a shade of love I’ve never felt for anyone else. And it’s scary. And that’s why I can’t afford losing you. –

 

Johnny feels like crying because, _gosh,_ Ten just told he loves him.

 

Because they are shattered, broken, a mess of lies, regrets, broken dreams and uncertain future. Yet, they love each other.

 

And Johnny almost chokes realizing he loves Ten more than he had ever loved Taeil.

 

 

 

And morning finally comes to them, with all its implications, and they’re forced to leave their whispers of love sealed into the night, because they have fights to face in the daylight. Ten is nervously adjusting Johnny’s tie in the living room, while Hansol watches them quietly, sipping at his coffee.

 

\- You look great. –

 

Johnny laughs at that remark, trying to mask his own nervousness behind small talk and laughs.

 

\- I know. –

 

Ten laughs and slaps at Johnny’s arm, before they’re all interrupted by the sound of the doorbell. Hansol immediately runs to the door to open it, already knowing who that is. Doyoung walks into the scene, dressed beautifully in a costly suit, his hair elegantly combed, his work bag held tightly in his hand. Professional, elegant, looking like he knows exactly what he’s doing.

Yet, he hadn’t slept as well the night before, he was in his studio re-reading through all the paperwork he had prepared, examining again every single point of the lawsuit. Every single accuse, every single word pondered in his head, every step carefully planned. His whole career could be shattered by a small mistake.

 

The four of them stare at each other for a while, before Doyoung clears his throat.

 

\- Are you ready, Johnny? –

 

Johnny inspires deeply, and Ten looks at him in awe.

 

\- I’ve never been more ready in my life. –

 

Doyoung smiles, knowing it’s a lie, but he doesn’t care, because in his work it doesn’t matter what you feel or what’s the truth, but how convincingly you state the opposite. And he knows Johnny is determined enough to have his daughter back, to have his pride back.

 

\- Then let’s go and win. –

 

Ten claps his hands, smiling, before throwing his arms at Johnny.

 

\- Good luck. –

 

Johnny nods, ruffling his hair and kissing him lightly. Both Hansol and Doyoung divert their eyes for a moment.

 

\- Have a nice day at work, Ten. –

 

Johnny is walking towards the door when he feels a hand on his shoulder, but it isn’t Ten’s little hand, nor it’s Ten’s scent filling his nostrils. It’s a more masculine one. He turns around to meet Hansol’s big, brown eyes, and his smile.

 

\- Good luck, Johnny. You’ll have your daughter back. –

 

Johnny feels his heart exploding, but it’s not grief this time, it’s immense gratitude. Hansol should hate him, yet there he is, always kind, always understanding, always supporting. He puts his own hand on Hansol’s, squeezing it.

 

-Thank you. For everything. -

 

_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

 

Yuta throws a curse into the silence as he struggles with removing his scrub, the fabric stuck on his thick hair and pulling it. When he finally removes it, he throws it on the floor, angrily, resting his head on his locket for one moment, breathing heavily.

 

\- Why so angry? –

 

He almost screams, turning around to face the source of the voice with a hand on his heart. He lets out a relieved sigh when he meets Taeyong’s eyes and his sly smile.

 

\- You scared me. I didn’t notice you were here. –

 

Taeyong giggles while coming closer, putting his hands on Yuta’s shoulders and gently massaging them to relieve the tension on them. Yuta closes his eyes at the touch, his tensed muscles relaxing under the Taeyong’s ministrations.

 

\- You didn’t answer my question. -

 

Yuta smiles bitterly, opening his eyes again.

 

\- You know that I have anger bursts sometimes. -

 

Taeyong simply smiles, moving his hands on Yuta’s back, noticing how his scapulae are protruding, a side effect of having to continuously work in a curved position. At least, Yuta’s body is well trained, if there’s something the latter had never given up through all the difficulties was the care for his body, his vanity always a distinctive trait. He was conscious of his own beauty just as much as everyone else was, turning their eyes to stare at him whenever he walked by.

Yuta stays silent for a little more, before turning a little towards Taeyong.

 

-Is…is this ok? You know, Jaehyun… –

 

It had been a surprise, when Taeyong and Jaehyun had kissed for the first time in the hospital’s cafeteria in front of everyone’s surprised stares. Sicheng had clapped, Yuta had smiled. He had reasoned through his irrational jealousy, reassured by Taeyong’s unending demonstrations of friendship. He still found his breakfast ready every morning, he still had someone to talk to, in the end. He had simply accepted that someone wasn’t only _his_ anymore. But now that Jaehyun and Taeyong are a thing, he feels uncomfortable under Taeyong’s touch, even though he longs for it.

 

Taeyong looks at him, genuinely confused.

 

\- Why shouldn’t it be ok? You’re my best friend…or better, my _only_ –

 

Yuta smiles, loving these moments in which Taeyong is simply a baby who doesn’t know enough about the world, his disease having shielded him from relationships and intimacy. He turns to face his best friend, circling his neck with his arms, almost wanting to enjoy the privilege to touch him till the end of that explanation.

 

\- I know, but…when two people are in a relationship, an _exclusive_ one like the one Jaehyun expects from you, he may not appreciate you touching me. –

 

Taeyong furrows his brows, almost not understanding what Yuta is implying.

 

\- But why? I’ve never done anything with you in years, why would I now…? -

 

Yuta smiles, bitterly, touching Taeyong’s nose with him. He loves that privilege.

 

\- Because jealousy is something quite strange, quite irrational. In your lover’s mind, you’re _his_. None else. And your intimate touches should be for him only. –

 

Taeyong blinks a few times, before caressing Yuta’s forearms, trying to understand.

 

\- I’ll miss your touches, then. –

 

Yuta curls his lips in the poor excuse of a smile, nodding.

 

\- I’ll miss yours as well. –

 

They distance from each other, Yuta leaning against his locket, the upper part of his body still naked, nervously eyeing at the clock in the room. He has an appointment.

 

\- You know…Jaehyun touched me. –

 

Yuta giggles, swallowing at that cute confession that turns Taeyong’s cheeks red, finding it so precious since it comes from someone close to his 30th birthday.

 

\- Did it feel good? –

 

Taeyong nods, closing his eyes at the memory of Jaehyun’s hot touch on that part of his body he had never let anyone else touch. He can still feel his fingers running delicately on the sensible skin, while their tongues danced together.

 

-It has been difficult…you know, obsessions kept on bothering, but I always tried to distract myself. And in the end, it was good. But…-

 

Yuta raises an eyebrow, curious, watching Taeyong’s cheeks setting on fire.

 

 - But…? –

 

Taeyong bites his lips, sitting on the nearest chair and covering his face.

 

\- I was so excited that came _so early. –_

 

Yuta bursts out laughing, shaking his head in disbelief. He recognizes that’s insensitive, but he can’t help it. Taeyong crosses his arms, offended.

 

\- You’re not helping, Yuta. –

 

Yuta shakes his head after calming his laughter, approaching Taeyong and kneeling in front of him, looking at him dearly.

 

\- It happens to everyone, the first time. –

 

Taeyong looks at him skeptically, as if pondering whether to believe him or not.

 

\- Did it happen to you as well? –

 

Yuta nods, sighing as memories of what now seems ages ago resurface. He was still in his homeland, he was still a normal boy, totally unaware of how much his love life would’ve been messed up in the future years. It was all simple back then, he just liked a cute girl sitting next to him in his class. No cat-like black eyes, no lies, no threesomes, no rushed whispers while fucking in the bathroom at a party. No obsession, no tormenting jealousy and desire.

 

\- …I followed her in the girls’ bathroom. She giggled and I kissed her. Everything happened quite fast, _too fast._ I was fifteen. _-_

 

 _“Thirteen years ago”_ he thinks.

Taeyong giggles, embarrassed at that confession. Yuta had told him about his first time, his first encounter with Ten and Hansol, few of his adventures, but he had never shared that episode.

 

Yuta eyes at the clock, before sighing.

 

\- I have to go now. –

 

Taeyong looks at him, curious, as he heads towards his locket.

 

\- Where? –

 

Yuta sighs again, stopping from one moment as he takes out a red sweater from his locket.

 

\- I have to meet an old friend at a café in the city center. –

 

 

 

Hansol is nervous, as nervous as he’s never been in the past two years. He keeps on eyeing the clock, trying to keep on telling himself that he would simply not come, so that once that turns out to be true, he won’t be too disappointed. He’s tired of disappointments. But, deep down, he burns in excitement, because this is a moment he’s been waiting for since so long.

 

He realizes that his excitement as he waits for someone in the café is almost childish, biting at his lips and running hands through his hair to adjust them.

 

The cute waitress smiles at him, Hansol goes there so often they’re acquaintances now.

 

\- You have a first date? –

 

Hansol smiles, looking down in embarrassment; of the many things age wasn’t able to change in Ji Hansol, shyness was one of these.

 

\- Sort of, yes. –

 

She smiles, leaving him alone in his nervousness and childish excitement.

 

Ten minutes later, he’s almost lost all hopes that he would come, and he feels stupid, _once again,_ for having hoped.

 

Just when he’s adjusted to the idea of having to order something to his own, in shame, and then leave, a handsome man walks in.Thick hair, beautifully drawn face, lovely smile. Just like their first date, nine years before. Yes, hints of wrinkles are forming around his mouth, the cost of all the smiles he had given in his life. Yes, the light in his eyes is weaker, his shoulders are more curved.

But Hansol is as breathless as the first time.

 

Yuta walks slowly towards the table, as if he’s still not sure whether this is a right decision or not. But Hansol greets him anyway with a smile as he sits in front of him, elegantly moving a strand of hair from his face.

 

\- I thought you wouldn’t come. –

 

Yuta hints at a smile, opening his coat lightly, carefully.

 

\- I thought I wouldn’t come as well. But here I am. –

 

Hansol smiles, because he never denied anyone a smile, no matter what. Let alone if Yuta is here, despite all the doubts on this strange first date.

Their first, thousandth date.

 

\- ..what will you order? –

 

Yuta eyes at the list, glancing now and then towards Hansol, always finding him staring, and he giggles a little, unnoticed.

 

\- An Americano and a toast, I think, I’m hungry. –

 

Hansol smiles, eyeing at the list, or better, pretending to do so because he knows exactly what he wants to order.

 

\- A toast filled with cheese, I imagine. –

 

Yuta stares at him for one moment, before shaking his head.

 

\- Not really…I’ve become lactose intolerant. I was heartbroken when the gastroenterologist told me. –

 

Hansol stares at him in disbelief, and a particular time in which Ten had to scold Yuta because _“you’re putting too much cheese everywhere, mind your cholesterol!”_ comes to his mind. He then softens his stare, smiling bitterly.

 

\- I’ve missed so much. –

 

Yuta smiles too, lowering his stare.

 

_“From where do I start telling you?”_

___________________________________________________________________________________________________

Johnny feels short on air in the courtroom. The air is thick, smelling like old, varnished wood and dense with everyone’s nervous sighs and whispers.

 

The hearing is about to start, but he can’t do anything but look to the other side, the side on which the defense sits. He was there, the last time, trying helplessly to proof his innocence, and he had failed under the accusations of people more powerful than him. Or better, people allied to steal his power from him. To steal his whole life.

 

He stares at Park Jungwoo sitting next to his ex-wife, Seoyeon, pulling off a stern, elegant blue dress; he had once loved her taste in clothing.She doesn’t dare looking at him, too disgusted, too angry. He’s not here to beg her for forgiveness, he just wants to be free to be a father again.

 

Park Jungwoo looks at him with a deadly glare, and even if he will lose, Johnny is just happy that this whole story is being more complicated than Jungwoo had originally planned.

_“You should’ve known I do not give up easily, asshole.”_

And then, there is Taeil. The bandages around his hand are gone, but the same, pitiful expression is there. He clearly hasn’t slept in days, dark circles around his eyes, his skin looking grey. He’s worried, clearly worried about this whole situation, despite all the reassuring words by their lawyer. They have all the reasons to be calm: Johnny and Doyoung are more than likely going to lose. But a liar is always worried when tested, especially a particularly unskilled one like Taeil. Johnny would like to pity him, but he finds no pity in his heart, rather the thought of Taeil suffering pushes a sadistic button in his mind.

 

And then, next to him there’s Doyoung, he’s nervous even though he doesn’t let that show. Johnny keeps on playing nervously with a pen, but Doyoung is still, unmoving while waiting for the judge to let him speak.

 Johnny’s heart misses a beat when the judge stands up, looking at Doyoung, giving him permission to start with the accusation speech.

 Doyoung is dying inside, closing his eyes as he stands up and heads towards the center, just like whenever he’s about to do something important.He was dying inside at his law school admission exam, at his first exam, on the day of his degree, on the day of his first case. But he knows well this sensation, he recognizes the feeling of everything going blank, it’s the moment when all the thoughts collect in his mind.

 He opens his eyes, and Johnny almost gasps at all the determination he reads in those eyes, as if he was about to defend his own life. In a certain sense, he is.

 

 _\- Your honor,_ I am here to stand by a man who’s been inappropriately condemned with a previous decision by this court. A man who has been deprived of his right to be a father, who has been economically damaged. -

 

Johnny stays silent, listening while in a sort of trance. Doyoung then turns to look specifically to Park Jungwoo and Taeil, a fire burning in his eyes as he does so.

 

\- And, most of all, he was hurt in his pride and reputation by means of false accusations and flawed proofs. –

 

Taeil closes his eyes, and Johnny thinks he might be praying.

 

 __  
  


 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone! Told you I'd be faster this time : D Well, since SM blessed us with Jungwoo and I still didn't know exactly which face to give to Seoyeon's current husband, Jungwoo might just as well take the villain part *evil laugh* 
> 
> First of all, let me thank you for all the support I've received, both regarding the story and personally. I'm really grateful for each kind word ç_ç 
> 
> Hope you like this chapter as well (it was a bit a word vomit, it's 3:30 am here and I should be in the hospital tomorrow at 8, ooops.) 
> 
> Thank you again <3


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